Flying for Dummies

My business affords me the opportunity to travel quite a bit. Most of the time I like to drive rather than fly. I enjoy experiencing the countryside knowing I can pull over at just about any exit and use a restroom that, although it may not have been cleaned since May 2008, at least allows me to relieve myself while not performing a balancing act in a room barely large enough for me and a good book. On occasion, however, I must fly. A recent trip to Minnesota had me thinking about the preparations necessary for flight. Much like the pilots, I first go through a checklist while packing. This usually entails opening my suitcase several times as I put in something my wife reminds me I have forgotten. Unfortunately she didn’t help me pack for Minnesota so I made that trip, and saw the season’s first snow flurries, without a coat. All major airlines allow you to print boarding passes at home. I do this most of the time. This lets me see how the boarding passes look when they come out of the ticket kiosk at the airline’s counter since I invariably leave the pre-printed ones at home. Please allow me to offer a few tops. First, if at all possible, pack as much of your clothing into one bag, Doing this has saved me the time it takes to return to the airport to pick up the second bag I left behind. Take with you a carry-on bag that is just large enough to take up ALL of the space in the overhead bin. Make sure it is very heavy too – I’ll explain why later. When dressing for your flight there are a few things I recommend wearing. First, wear a pair of pants that do not require a belt to hold them into place. You can still wear the belt, but you will have to remove it while going through security. Second, wear nice clean underwear in case you forgot step one. I also suggest that you wear a pair of pants that are not slick to the touch. Again, I will explain later. Also be sure to put on shoes that are easy to take on and off cause those have to be removed at security. When choosing which line to go through in security, look for the least aggressive looking TSA agent since this person may be responsible for a pat down search. Once you have made it through security and headed to your gate, be sure to return for your belt. It makes running for your flight easier if your pants aren’t around your ankles. Once you are on board the airplane shove your overweight carry-on in the overhead compartment directly over your seat and make sure you have selected the aisle seat. Strap yourself in and enjoy the flight as much as you can. For us smaller guys that can be a challenge in seats designed to fit a narrow Japanese businessman. Big guys in the seat next to me usually cause me to ride the next 3 hours tilting over like an old man in a nursing home trying to pass gas. As you land you will thank me for recommending non-slick pants since when the plane applies the brakes you will realize that no matter how you clinch the buttocks, you will not be able to keep your tail in the seat. Once the plane has come to a stop, jump up immediately and open the overhead compartment. Wait for your oversized seatmate to slide over then apologize to him as your heavy bag slides from the compartment and onto his head. Now, you don’t have to follow all of these tips, but I think they might help the next time the friendly skies call your name. Thanks for flying. Buh-bye now.