I Heat Up, I Can't Cool Down

This past week I had the opportunity to sit down with a long-time friend and former roommate for about an hour. I'm blessed to have maintained a great relationship with all of my old roommates and equally blessed that many of them have become involved in ministry. While talking with this roommate I began to internally question why he wanted to meet with me. I mean, sure, it's good to catch up on life, but he has been to town before and we usually miss out on seeing each other. This time he called me on his drive over and wanted to set aside some time for a visit. So we did. And I discovered a few things. First of all, you must realize that every pastor was a teenager at some point and, just like the people I know that went on to become physicians, you can't help but look at them and think, "I remember when..." So here I sat with a man that I have known for 35 years and our history includes a number of stories best left untold. But this time, sitting across from me was not my former roommate, but a godly man with a genuine love for people. During our conversation I kept feeling like what I had to say to him really mattered. I'm sure it has before but this time was different. 

We began with small talk but quickly got to what he wanted to hear. How was I doing? He didn't rush into the topic but I didn't want to use up the little bit of time we had with small talk. I wanted him to fix it. I wanted him to tell me the three, five, or seven steps to making all the pain go away. But he never did. Instead he asked genuine questions about what I was facing. He didn't look at me waiting for me to finish so he could share pearls of wisdom with me. He just let me talk, cry, and talk some more. It was like he wanted to learn how I truly felt, not just hear it. So I shared with him a lot of what I have written these last 37 weeks in my blog. I talked about craters. I talked about trying to date again. I talked about my wife and my daughter with someone who knew them both. This was, after all, the father of one of my daughter's best friends and a groomsman in my wedding. 

Then I talked about Angry Me and he stopped me and wanted to know more about Angry Me. And, if you haven't been following my blog, you might wonder who Angry Me is. Angry Me is that part of me that, as Angry Me would say, doesn't give a damn. Angry Me doesn't care about you. Angry Me doesn't care about his witness. Angry Me doesn't care about what might cause long term damage to him or anyone else. And, most of the time, Angry Me only comes out when I am home by myself. Angry Me is my Incredible Hulk persona (minus the muscles). Angry Me Smash. 

After listening to me rant about Angry Me my friend asked me a simple question. "Why do you think that Angry Me is there in the first place." Not just, why does he show up, but why does he exist? What was the gamma radiation event that led me to having an Angry Me to keep at bay? And, I guess I had never looked at it that way before. We all have those moments when, in Christian speak, that the Flesh rises up. But seldom do we have those Incredible Hulk moments. 

So, after giving it some thought (for all of about 25 seconds) I came to the answer I was searching for. Angry Me is there because I take my eyes off the prize. Angry Me is there because I get lost in the circumstances rather than the blessings. I was blessed to have the best daughter in the world for 15 years and the best wife for 26 years. I didn't deserve either. I didn't deserve to have my sins forgiven. I didn't deserve the grace Christ handed down from the cross. These are just a few of the blessings I've received that I tend to take advantage of without recognizing the One who gave me those blessing. Angry Me will always lie dormant inside of me begging for the things I once had. But Blessed Me has been around even longer. 

So this caused me to wonder how long I let a creation get between me and the creator. And how about you, my friend? Do you have an Angry Me lying just beneath the surface? Why? Have you too begun to focus on things of this world rather than the treasure the Lord has in store for us?

So I asked the Lord to forgive Blessed Me for letting Angry Me have any kind of foothold in my life. I'm sure that Angry Me will still pop up every once in awhile and have his way. But I also know that the God who forgives will forgive my anger. And I pray also that the Angry Me episodes get fewer and farther between. Lastly, I thank God for putting people in my life 35 or more years ago that help me realize that I have a purpose here. And, no matter how hard he tries, Angry Me will not keep me from that purpose.