Carry on my wayward son

I spend a lot of time thinking about impressions. Going on this grief journey I worry sometimes about things that should be pretty low on the list. What do people think when they see me with a smile on my face? What do they think when they catch me wiping away a tear? What do they think when they see me out with a pretty young lady? What do they think when they see me out with a handsome young man?! Yes, I worry about the impression I leave with people. 

Angry Me doesn't worry so much about impressions and so that worries me. When he shows up I do my best to limit my contact with others. I know that many of my friends would be understanding if Angry Me were to scream, yell, drink, use obscenities, and throw things. Especially my golfing buddies. But you would be a little less understanding if Angry Me showed up in your living room. Or in front of your kids. So Angry Me stays home most days. I don't want to let him out and ruin any impression I may have on others. 

You never know when you leave an impression either. Today my mother called to tell me that she spoke to a woman I don't know who asked her if she was my mom. This lady didn't know me directly. I happen to be a friend of a friend. But still, she seemed to have a favorable impression of me. Secondary impressions are even more difficult to control. 

Last week I took my wedding band off as well as Wanda's that I was wearing on my pinkie next to mine. Her rings have been on my finger since the funeral. I put them there for safe-keeping and never took them off. On Monday morning last week I decided to take them off. As soon as I returned from work I put them back on. I wasn't quite ready after all. I tried again Friday and was successful for a bit longer. But I still felt the need to have them near me. So I put them on a chain around my neck. They hang there with a dog tag that Wanda's mom evidently had made for her while she was working with the National Guard (Yes, Wanda's mother wore army boots. No, it turns out that's not a good thing to say to your future wife on your first date).

So why did I take the rings off my fingers only to wear them around my neck? For two reasons. The first was because I felt I would never look for joy as long as I had them on. I'm not ready to move on romantically but I am ready to start looking for companionship. People to spend time with. The second reason was "impressions." During this journey I worried about what people would think about me when they saw me out. Would they get the impression that I was moving on? Would they be happy or mad if they thought I was? But then I began to be a little less selfish and started to think about the person I was with. Specifically if I was out with a member of the opposite sex. I began to think about people who may not know me but might know my dinner companion. Would they think she was out with a married man? What rumors would fly that could damage the impressions that she has made over the years with others? Especially secondary impressions. 

I know many of my dear readers would tell me not to worry about what others think and to just live for me and look for that much needed joy. And I hear you. While Angry Me couldn't care less, I have to realize that it's not all about Angry Me. I will continue to try my best to make good impressions. I will continue to try to be a good witness in all I say and do. Occasionally Angry Me will screw it all up, but hopefully the good impressions I've made will outweigh the bad.

As I look at my ring finger, naked for the first time in 26 years, I realize that the greatest impression on this earth is evidenced by that ring. There is an impression on my ring finger that will probably be there for quite some time. The impression that my beloved made in my heart will never go away.