Hey baby, I'm your handy man

I wish that seven years ago I had come to the understanding that I have today. As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, I now believe that anything or anyone I put in my life is not a replacement for Beth or Wanda. Although they took a part of my heart with them when they were taken from me, they are not irreplaceable. Now, before you get up in arms about that last statement, please hear me out. I believe that both Beth and Wanda have already been replaced. They were not replaced by another person, another activity, work or anything tangible. The minute they left me they were already replaced. By grief. Every bit of their existence now is relegated to history. But as they were once totally woven into the fabric of my life, now grief is there in their stead. 

After losing Beth I never looked for a replacement. Sure, "Uncle" Kevin has a lot of little ones that I get to love on and spend time with. But they did not replace Beth. Beth is no longer with me. Instead I have grief. And over the last seven years I have slowly been replacing that grief. And I have replaced that grief with children of all ages. That point was driven home today when I was reminded what it was like to be a father. A young friend of mine lost her father at an early age. When she goes through trials in her life I am pleased that she looks to me as a father figure. And I get to see her as a surrogate daughter. She did not replace Beth. She replaced part of the grief. Today, as I held her and tried my best to comfort her, I remembered what it was like to hold Beth and comfort her when her young heart was hurting. Lately the focus of my grief has been for the loss of my wife. Today my focus was turned back to my daughter for awhile. Today I got to be a dad for awhile. And, like a dad, I got to lend a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on, and perhaps even some words of comfort. And, like when I was a dad, I don't know if I said or did anything to make it better. But I was there for her. And, it turns out, she was there for me.

After losing Wanda I haven't looked for a replacement. There is no way I can replace her. But I can replace the grief. I'm trying to be very cautious in what I replace grief with because sometimes, when Angry Me shows up, I don't care what I replace it with, just so long as it gets replaced. But I'm getting better at keeping Angry Me locked away when it comes to important decisions. I think I'm just saving him for the golf course. Or for when I watch the Saints play. 

If you are experiencing loss and you worry that you're looking to replace what is lost, you can't. It's already been done. What it is time to focus on now is what we will choose to replace the grief. Choose wisely because the last thing we want to do now is replace grief with something doesn't fit.