For Better or... What???

Grief changes you. No doubt about it. There is no way that you can't let it change you. But you can decide how it will change you. Especially in the loss of a spouse. Never before has "for better or worse" rung so true. 

During my first journey of grief I can recall sitting at a pizza place waiting for the order I called in 30 minutes earlier. They asked my name. They asked my phone number. Then they came back and told me it should be just about ten more minutes... What kind of pizza was it that I ordered? Everything in me wanted to say, "Really? Can't anything go right?" Here I was a couple of weeks out from losing that which was so precious to me and now I can't even get a pizza order? What did I have to do to get a break in this life? I sat in a chair and just glared at the empty pizza rack. Then it struck me. How does the displeasure of not getting my pizza order in a timely fashion compare to the gut wrenching pain of losing a child? It doesn't. It's petty. And thus there was my turning point. In the pizza restaurant, flour floating in the air, God came to me and made me adjust my priorities. From that point on my wife and I both made a point to say to ourselves, "This is not a life and death situation. Treat it as such."

It's not that I don't still get angry at the little injustices of life. I do. But just not as quickly. I still want my pizza on time. I still want people to admit that they have made a mistake rather than give me an excuse. I've always felt that there is a fine line between an excuse and a reason and I don't like excuses. But if they aren't life threatening then they aren't worth threatening someone's life! And maybe not even their job. 

During my second lap on grief's track I must confess it is a little more difficult to let some of the injustices go. It gets harder and harder to again keep from saying, "Really? Can't anything go right?" Or its sister quote, "How much more can life throw at me?" It's like I decided to throw all of life's crap right into a fan but didn't step out of the way as it flew back on me. But then I remind myself how blessed I am. I live in the greatest country in the world. I have the best parents and wonderful family and in-laws. I couldn't ask for a better group of friends. I have gotten so much more than I deserve. I got to spend most of my life with the most beautiful woman in the world and for 15 years of our life together we got to spend time with the best daughter anyone has ever had the honor of raising. 

I would be lying if I said that grief hasn't changed me. What I'm praying is, as my journey continues, that the changes are for the good. I promised my bride, "for better or worse." But that promise wasn't for her. That promise was for me. And it was a vow I intend to keep. For the honor of the most beautiful woman in the world.