You fill me up, buttercup

Yesterday I posted about the craters created by the grief events. The image was intended to make us realize that the impact of a grief event is larger than just the impact zone. When someone we love is removed from our lives it is not just the person we lose but the many areas in our lives they touch. The resulting impact of that event creates a barren area that extends beyond ground zero. The two images I used were to show how ugly things can look until we fill that emptiness. In conversation with a friend today I began to form another thought about my crater analogy. 

When a grief event occurs it creates an area that was once filled but now lies empty. What is left is grief. And the thought that many outsiders may have is that those of us experiencing the grief are looking to replace the one we lost. Nothing could be further from the truth. The grief event replaced that person for us. In my case it was the death of a child and, later, the death of my beloved wife. Neither my daughter or my child are here on this earth anymore. Instead they are replaced by grief. Grief is what fills the spaces that they once occupied. So, as we work to right our ships we are not replacing what we lost, we are replacing what took the place of that which we lost.

My hope is that this understanding will help those of us who have experienced the grief event. I spent the first several weeks not wanting to put anything in the grief crater because I knew that nothing could replace what I've lost. I was wrong. Something had already replaced my lovely wife - grief. Grief had worked its way into every crevice that my wife once occupied in my life. Once I recognized that, I began to look for ways to replace the grief, not my spouse. 

For those of you that are observing from the outside and think that someone is moving on a little too quickly, may I recommend that you change your thinking and your praying. The person trying to move on is not replacing their loved one, they are replacing the grief. So how should you change your praying? Ah, that is the question. 

What I realized today is that we who are grieving can try too quickly fill the crater and, by doing so, may be choosing the wrong things to fill it with. We might be trying to fill it with drugs or alcohol. We may be trying to fill it with the first person that comes along. We may be trying to fill it with work or other activities. I don't know what you are choosing to use as a filler. I'm not even sure I know what I'm choosing as I cast about for an answer. 

What I believe we all, insider and outsider alike, need to be praying for is that we will fill that crater with the right things, people, and events.  We need to pray that our grief replacements are what God intended to place there. Otherwise we will be looking at even more grief as we let things take root there that are not the best for us. Then we are left with the problem and pain of uprooting the bad thereby creating a larger, uglier crater. 

I don't know what God has planned for my crater, but when He is done I can only pray that my crater looks as beautiful as He intended. Meanwhile we could all use the prayers of the outsiders as we try to discern what it is we are supposed to use to fill the craters in our lives and hearts. Now, it would appear that I may have to look at digging up some things before they take root. Thank you Jesus for revealing this to me when you did.