If only we had waited

After an emotional days this week that centered around cleaning out my wife's closet I had a discussion with a friend. The question came up that essentially focused on when too much is too much. Having suffered through the tragedies I have had to face, it is quite tempting to say that enough is enough. After all, how much is a man supposed to endure? 

The discussion turned to the book of Job. During the time of his testing Job never turned his back on God. He continued to believe even though his closest friends told him he was cursed by God. After all, hadn't God indeed cursed him? Hadn't God taken everything from Job? Didn't Job have every right to be angry with God? Yes. Yes he did. And was he angry with God? Yes he was. Was he wrong to be angry? No. Was he wrong to be angry at God? Again I think not. Was it good for him to be angry? Absolutely not. “Because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” James 1:20

However, God did not punish Job for his anger. Why not? Well the first and most obvious answer was that God had allowed Job to go through so much already that punishing him would have been unjust. Secondly, throughout the trials Job went through he did not sin. Ephesians 4:26 tells us: “"In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are angry."

So why did Job go through all that he went through. As I told my friend, personally I believe we go through trials for three reasons. 1.) The wages of sin is death. We reap what we sow. 2.) Satan attacks us unmercifully in an attempt to get us to take our eyes off of God. 3.) God allows us to go through things to help us grow and to be a witness for Him. And I don't think we are limited to just one of the three. I think at times we can have big ole heaping doses of all three at once!

We are always being selfish. Grief is a selfish emotion. But it is an emotion that God gives us and he knows what grief is like. When he heard that his friend Lazarus had died, he wept. It grieves his heart when we are in pain. He holds our tears in his hand. Let's look again at Job. He complained (something many people forget) but He never blames God. He asks God to take him and remove him from his pain but imagine if God had removed him from his pain. But what if God had answered his prayer? What if God had said that Job had gone through too much to ever be able to recover and just called him home?

The final chapter of Job shows us that God restored to him in greater measure all that he lost. But it does not tell us the timeline. That restoration may have begun immediately or several years later. Regardless, God rewarded Job's faithfulness. But if God had answered Job's prayer and taken him home he would never had the opportunity to experience the reward God had in store for him here on earth. 

If you read carefully you will find that the Lord didn't restore things to Job until after Job had prayed for forgiveness for his friend's folly. Even in his lowest moment Job put the needs of his friend's first by praying for God to forgive them. This has been, is, and always will be my goal. Put other's needs first and pray for them. My prayer for me? May God bless me with the wisdom to recognize when opportunities to be a blessing pop up. 

I don't pretend to have it all together. I don't call my blog the Life of the Perpetual Overcomer for no reason. Every day is a struggle. Some days greater than others. But my prayer is that God will be able to use my story to help others much as he used Job's story. My restoration may not happen this side of heaven and I'm perfectly okay with that. I'd rather store up my treasures elsewhere anyway. But restoration will occur in spite of my sin and in spite of how many times I let the Lord down. And that restoration may start tomorrow. So, tomorrow I will get up. I will make my bed. I will start my day because tomorrow could be the day...perpetually.   

All by myself, don't wanna be

Traveling down this road from grief to hope to happiness I find myself stumbling more often than not. Sometimes the trips are caused by other events in my life. Sometimes I stumble over obstacles I have placed in my own way. And there are other times I know I just need a nap. As I've mentioned in a previous blog post, grief is physically draining (see Luke 22:45). Thankfully I have had friends in my life who step up and try to fill the void caused by the impact of the grief meteor that ripped a hole in me. Faith, friends, and fellowship. Those are the things that pull me through. 

I am forever grateful that God looks at the heart. But there is no doubt that man looks on the outside. On the outside your friend that is going through the grief event is probably not as far along as you think. And, in an attempt to be transparent as usual, I will confess that I get that way sometimes. But, if you are a fellow grief traveler, you often don't recognize how far you have actually come. Sometimes you need to look back and see that, although the end is nowhere in sight, the beginning is further away than it has ever been. 

Have  you ever noticed how much children grow the greater the time between visits? If you only see your nieces or nephews at Christmastime these words (or some to the same effect) will almost always be heard, "Oh my goodness! Look how big you've gotten! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last." That child did not have an instantaneous growth spurt. You just weren't there for their journey. If you are the parent of that child you are fully aware of how much they have grown, but you are probably not aware of the day to day changes. Grief is a lot like that. You who sit on the outside looking at us can see the growth. Those of us still facing the pain and loss every day wonder if we will ever get better. 

You on the outside see us as we begin the journey and occasionally spot us along our path. You can see the race as a cross-country trip. The racers on the other hand feel like we are in a NASCAR event. We are seeing the same things over and over as we circle the track feeling like the finish line is simply another name for the starting line. You on the outside do not see that, in our quiet moments we cry out to Jesus and ask him why. We shake our fists at the storm like Lt. Dan and silently scream as we see that which reminds opus of what we lost. 

So, what does someone need who is traveling down this road? I believe that every grief traveler needs something or someone to remind him or her just how far they have actually come. And they need a reason to get off the circular track and back onto a track that has them going ever forward. 

When you have a person in your life that you love so deeply that even breathing without them is difficult it takes some reminders that it is worth moving forward. When you have more than one catastrophic event you need someone to point out your progress and offer encouragement. And, when you lose someone who was by your side through it all and was always ready to speak your love language, you need someone to scratch your back. 

Then again, that last one may have just been for me. 

A river runs through it

This summer I had the opportunity to spend some time on a river. While I enjoyed myself and the company I was in I couldn't help but notice how the flow of water had cut through this mountain as it flowed from its apex to its base. At times, as we rode this river, it seemed faster and rougher than others. Staying in the raft became a chore as the skilled guide led us on our journey. We were tossed and spun and, on the river, it was fun and yet sometimes terrifying. More skilled people than the six passengers have travelled these waters and not made it out to tell about it. At other times the water looked almost still as it flowed over areas where it met no resistance. 

After our journey ended where the water was calm and we removed ourselves from the raft I began to reflect on the day. In spite of the fears we may have faced along the way, we made it to our destination. Looking back on it, the memories were fond and not fearful. 

In our daily lives we can see the traces of the river. Sometimes the driving force of the water changes the very ground it touches. Digging new scars into the earth as it goes. On the soft earth the flowing water sculpts and shapes the land. On more firm soil it may take a bit longer but the river will eventually win. But, in some cases the river is what gets changed. A boulder here. A firmly rooted tree there. In those cases the river adjusts and goes over or around. But never through. 

My life has been changed by rivers. In softer areas I have broken. The river has left scars that will take a considerable amount of time to heal. If they ever do. Most likely those scars will remain for the duration. But other times the river had met a rock. The Rock. On those occasions the river has changed. Throughout its journey the river has never altered my faith. The more it has flowed the stronger my resolve has been. Yes, the river has changed me quite a bit. But I have had an effect on the river as well. 

The forces will undoubtedly leave scars. But the impact of that which remains firm in your life will forever alter the course of those forces. The river I saw was beautiful. It was majestic. In both the scars and the boulders. People came for miles to see it. And many of them left changed because of their encounter. When people see how the river has affected you, what will they see?

Life is a choice. Faith is a choice. Forces will come that will alter both. The question is, how will you let it alter you?