You said WHAT to a griever?

How are you doing? For those of us going through any kind of grief event we hear those words often. When it gets closer to special days we hear them more often. And, although we know that the asker means well and is really saying that they care for and even love us, they do not want the real answer. Because, for those of us struggling to get through whatever special days we may be facing, the answer is usually not one we want to face, much less announce. We are not doing well. Our world came crashing down on us and now we have to face a birthday, an anniversary, a holiday without someone who gave meaning to those days. 

So, what should you ask? How about not asking anything? I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean, why not share a statement instead? For the griever we have no new stories. I don't get to tell you about the gift that my daughter unwrapped this Christmas. I don't get to tell you what I got my wife for her birthday. I don't get to tell you about the anniversary trip, the special valentines dinner, or even the New Year's Eve party we attended together. I don't get to tell you how incredibly beautiful my wife looked in her dress or how those diamond earrings she wore sparkled almost as much as her eyes. BUT, I can tell you about a memory I have. Because that's all I have left. 

Depending on who is grieving and their personality, they will each handle what you have to say about what joyous time you had or what challenge you are working through. Personally I LIKE to hear what your family did for the holidays. I especially like to hear what your children did. I like to envision the joy in their faces when they opened their presents because I don't get to witness that in my own home anymore. And just because I don't doesn't mean you shouldn't either. However, another griever may not feel that way. Another griever may be so wrapped up in their grief that the only person that matters at that very moment is him or herself. So how do you know which kind of griever you are facing? You don't. You take a chance and if you guess wrong you remember and move on. 

What can you say to a grief stricken person - especially through the holidays? I believe that, surprisingly enough, they would like to hear you share a memory you have of the loved one they lost. Or, if the grief is for another event, share a good memory you have of your past with them. When we lose our loved one and we lose the ability to make new memories, then our loved one can only live on in through the old ones. I would rather cry over fond memories than cry over no memories at all. 

But what if you don't really know the person that well? What if you never knew the loved one that was lost so you can't share memories? What if you run into the griever at work, at church, or out shopping and the only thing you can ask is, "How are you doing?" Why not ask them instead what one of their fondest memories of a holiday in the past is? Try something like, "I know this year must be tough and all you probably have are memories now. What was one of your favorite things your loved one did during that holiday?" Then listen carefully to the answer. Ask questions about it. Show that you want to take some of those memories with you to share with others so that their loved one can live on in the thoughts of others. 

None of the above thoughts are by any means a one-size-fits-all approach. Each person grieves differently, but if you want to be a friend, a true friend, learn how that person grieves and adjust. Talk about their loved one if they want to talk. Don't talk if they don't want to talk. Tell stories of your own (but NEVER compare your struggle to theirs) if they truly want to remember what it was like to have a loved one around. Hug them if they are a hugger. Let them cry on your shoulder if they need. Above all, if you truly want to help, make that person the most important person you could be talking with at that very moment. 

And, if you and I should ever cross paths and you want to help, just give me a hug, tell me a memory you have of my wife or daughter, give me a hug, tell me about your kids, give me a hug, tell me about your grandkids, or you can just give me a hug. And don't be afraid to bring it up. It's not like I've forgotten. Don't be afraid that you will make me cry. I can cry all on my own. As a matter of fact I was probably crying ten minutes before you ran into me and probably will ten minutes after you leave. Be yourself. If we are friends it's what I love about you anyway!