Let the wind blow

It's crazy where inspiration comes from. And it's equally insane the things that make us press on and not give up. For me it is sometimes difficult to find that inspiration. For many of my grieving brothers and sisters you continue putting one foot in front of the other because your children or your spouse need you. I no longer have those ties to this earth. So when my second journey down grief's highway began just seven months ago today it was harder to see what the grand design was that the Grand Designer had for me. Please don't get me wrong. Although there is even more calling me to the everlasting and less anchoring me here, it has never crossed my mind to put an end to this earthly pain. I refuse to interrupt God's plan. But it sure would be nice to know what that plan is. 

When day one occurred in this second journey I went through what everyone goes through. The heart dislodges itself from my chest cavity as it tries to follow my loved one's spirit to heaven. It first dropped to my stomach causing me to double over in pain. When my heart determined it could not make it's escape through my gut it began searching for another way out. It pounded in the walls of my chest trying to squeeze between the ribs reminding me of the rib that woman was formed from. Close to my heart. When access to heaven could not be obtained through the chest wall my heart tried to escape through my throat getting lodged there for a period of time before dropping again to my stomach. Eventually my heart gave up trying so violently to escape and decided to see if it could slowly squeeze out from behind my eyes. Even today, like a champion fighter rising from the canvas for one more try, my heart begs to be freed from this mortal shell. 

The day after the first of my wife's birthdays in heaven a major tornado tore through the area. I had just dropped some presents off for a precious little boy at his Nana's house. As I was leaving his Nana drove up, got out of her vehicle, and gave me a hug. She invited me in for a few minutes but I politely declined. My Christmas delivery had only begun as I was headed to see my nephew and nieces and drop off their gifts. When I told Nana where I was headed she informed me that there were tornado warnings in the area. I told her that I had heard that but I was sure it would be fine. Then she looked me in the eyes and told me that she knew where I would rather be but not to do anything foolish to rush my departure from this earth. There were too many people here that needed me. I assured her that I would be fine and that I wouldn't do anything foolish... and proceeded to drive directly into the path of a tornado that caused massive destruction. I missed it by mere moments as my truck shook, swayed, and dodged debris falling from the sky. God did not intend to take me then. But He definitely intended to shake me a bit. 

I did not intend to foolishly face the tornado, but I did not take the measures I should've taken to protect myself from what could have been an event that would've caused a number of you to say that I was where I wanted to be, just like my wife. Given the same situation I would like to say I have learned my lesson, but who am I trying to kid? However, an event today opened my eyes. 

Traffic on one of the main highways is tough enough as it is during rush hour. Today it was worse as a compact car pulled out directly in front of me as I was traveling highway speeds. In an effort to not make it a compacted car I slammed on my brakes and horn equally hard and stopped merely inches from the oblivious driver's face. Seeing that they were from out of town my only solace was in the fact that I was much closer to a change of underwear than they were. The only injury I sustained was to my tongue as I bit it to keep from saying things that would not be heard in heaven but would, instead, give otherworldly directions. 

So, what does this have to do with a journey of grief? To me it was proof that, no matter how bad it is for me, I am not ready to go. Self-preservation kicked in. Well, that and my compassion for the wide-eyed individual in the other car. It might have been time for me to go but I wasn't taking someone with me if I didn't have to. I guess what I'm saying is that I recognize that God wants me here a bit longer and I'll stay here doing whatever he wants me to do. And, hopefully, wearing clean underwear.