Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

The other day one of my very best friends and I were talking about my losses. I had just finished my first Christmas since losing my wife and I'm just now facing my first new year without her. Dealing with loss creates a number of "firsts" in my life. But our conversation wasn't about firsts. It was about "lasts." And they can be just as difficult to face. Sometimes "lasts" lead to "firsts" and sometimes they don't. 

For example, if I eat the last of the peanut butter that my wife bought then I have to go buy my first peanut butter without her. Now peanut butter may seem trivial to you but when you're  shopping for it, the weight of what you are doing can suddenly bear down on you. Allow me to enlighten you. You scrape the bottom of the jar of peanut butter you shared until it is bone dry. Now you have to throw the jar away. But it's the last peanut butter she ever bought for you and you realize it just as the jar hits the bottom of the can. Now, you could dig it back out, clean it out, and save the jar. You could also find yourself on the next episode of Hoarders. So you forgo the dumpster diving and man up to the fact that you have to go buy peanut butter. So off you go... a month later. You decide that, during that month, peanut butter isn't as important as you thought it was (thank the Lord that it wasn't deodorant that caused this epiphany). Finally you go peanut butter shopping. You stand in front of the peanut butter aisle and suddenly realize that George Washington Carver would be shocked at the number of brands there are now. And then you remember that your daughter once did a report on Carver that you helped her with for school. So now it's not only your wife that you're missing but also your daughter. You straighten up before someone sees you crying in front of the Peter Pan and begin to make your selection. The brand selection isn't a problem. You know what brand to get. And, although your wife preferred crunchy, she always bought smooth because that's what you liked and she was always good about sacrificing the little things to make you happy. So you know you don't need to even consider anything but your brand and smooth so this should be easy. Low Fat? There's such a thing as low fat peanut butter? Is that what she got for you? You rack your brain for a moment and realize that she just got you regular peanut butter so you reach for a jar. That's when it hits you hard and fast. A double tap to the heart. The first thing to hit you is that you don't need a large size since you are the only one using the jar and it should last twice as long. The second thing that hits you is the question of whether peanut butter can go bad or not. You don't know so you pull out your phone to call... your wife. And suddenly people are making space for the man crying holding a small jar of Jif in one hand and a family sized one in the other. You put back the large jar and get the small one instead. Now it's on to the bread aisle where you face the same dilemma. 

So, see, sometimes lasts leading to firsts can have a great impact. The peanut butter episode really didn't bother me. The regular butter did, though. I bought a small tub of it so it wouldn't go bad before I used it all. But the "last" that really got to me was tea. There was a pitcher of tea that my wife made that sat in the fridge growing a layer of ice on it because I didn't want to drink the last sweet tea that she ever made for me. Guests would come over and I wouldn't offer them tea because it was the last tea she ever made for me. This went on until about a week ago. I finally got up the courage to dump it out and try to make more. I had seen her do it with the fancy tea maker gadget I bought her years ago so I had a general idea. I know she used 4 scoops of sugar. I just didn't know what size scoop it was. But I guessed pretty good. I found the tea bags and put them in the basket in the tea maker. Wait, I have to add the water first. So I add the water and then go fill the pitcher up with ice... What's that noise? Why, it's the water pouring out onto the floor. It seems that someone filled the container incorrectly and the teamaker voiced its opinion by regurgitating the water onto the floor. Fortunately I was thinking fast enough and caught much of the water in the pitcher so I didn't make too much of a mess. 

Sometimes dealing with "lasts" can be messy. It can leave you in a puddle on the floor. But we must get through the "lasts" so we can face the "firsts" that God has planned for us. But sometimes we have to learn that lesson the hard way.