The end of the beginning

What is it that causes a turning point in grief and when should you expect it? I wish I had the answer for everyone. I cannot remember when the turning point was when I lost my child. I just remember that one day I realized that it had been a few days since I had really cried over my loss. I know I was not over the loss. You never truly get over a loss like that. But I had reached that point where I began to truly focus on the present and the new future. I certainly wasn't running away from the past- although the past might have thought so when it shot me in the back of the head a few times during my getaway. But I had changed my view. I was now looking at the finish line of the race rather than the starting line. 

The loss of my wife was a greater blow. But I do know the turning point then. It was day number 366. And it couldn't have gotten here fast enough. The 11th month was the hardest since the first. Anticipation of the one year mark was a huge burden and I tried my best to bear it alone. Stupid mistake. But on day 366 a switch was flipped in my brain. The remainder of my life still needed to be lived. The race I was running still had a few more markers to pass until I passed the finish line. But on day 366 I changed my view. I stopped looking at where I had been and started looking where I was going. 

The past couple of weeks I have been going through some of their things and sorting them out. This house is now my house. And the ghosts of memories are prevalent in every square inch of it. Those ghosts are not attached to items. I know this because the memories do not disappear just because I threw away a can of hairspray that will no longer be used. Those ghosts, those memories, will forever be seared in my brain. 

Today I went to the calendar my wife had on the front of the fridge. It was dated June 2014 but she had not yet written anything other than the dates. We had only gotten back from our last vacation and she had not written down the plans for the month. The future for her had not yet been written. Today I recognized that it was time to start planning my future. It is no longer our future. We had a past. And, for the most part, it was an incredibly wonderful past. But the future belongs to me. 

Last weekend I was walking the hallway in my church, probably with a little one in my arms, and trying to listen to my pastor over the speakers. I didn't catch all he said at that time but I did hear him quote a scripture. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV)

I have chosen to "throw off the past" and focus on Jesus more than I have been this past year. He endured so much more than I did. And He did it knowing the joy that was set before Him. I too have that joy. And a family that waits for me at the finish line.