Grieving aimlessly

After three months of grief you find yourself in a different place than you were the few weeks after your grief event. Your friends are all still there, but it's unfair to ask them to give up their lives and their happiness just because you no longer have yours. They have a life and you must let them live it. But that's not always easy to do. And, unfortunately for you, the numbness has just worn off and now is when you really need your friends. But this is now going to cause you to start working your way out of the grief crater. Prior to now you had people carrying you out. Now you are going to have to do some of the work on your own. And it's painful work. Now you are going to have to ask for help. For a guy, especially, that is a very tough thing to do. Asking for help means, in our minds, that we are not strong enough to do it alone. Admitting we can't do something is tough enough. Admitting we can't do something we could always do before, that's purt near impossible.

I have been blessed with friends and family that have hung in there past the numbness point. But it doesn't mean I can force myself to ask them for help. Yesterday, during the tsunami of grief that struck me, I found myself driving around in my truck aimlessly. I didn't know where I was going. I drove through the cemetery to see if they had put up my wife's headstone yet. They had not. But I couldn't get out of the truck. So I just found myself involved in a drive by grieving. After leaving there I started to think of where I wanted to go. Where I truly wanted to go was home to my family. Only I have no family to go home to. So I just drove and felt like Forrest Gump when he just decided to run. Only my carbon footprint was a little larger. Finally I found myself sitting in my truck in my garage (Although I closed the garage door, I did turn the engine off) and, in the front seat of my truck, with no one else around, I simply sobbed for a few minutes. Not crying, but that ugly, face contorting, snot running, shoulder shaking sob. And then I emerged. I came in the house and, unable to focus on anything, went to the living room and sat on the couch and watched nothing. No TV. No games. No DVD's. No iPad or iPhone. I just sat there not knowing what to do. And then it happened. A friend text me and asked me if I was going to the Men's meeting that night at church. I had already decided that this party of pity was going to keep me in for the night but, before I could stop them, my thumbs responded that they would be there. And, since I'm rather fond of the digits, I thought I would go too. 

Sometimes climbing out of the crater takes some effort of our own. And sometimes that effort comes when you feel at your weakest. But in my weakness, He is made strong. 

A very wise friend has asked me if I'm ever going to write a book. I told her I would be considering it once I get a little further along. Then she said, "wouldn't it help if you had more followers on your blog?" I hadn't given it some thought but she's probably right. So, this time and this time only I will ask that you follow me by clicking on the button in the upper right hand corner of the page. You will probably have to view this as a web page rather than from your mobile browser but there is a link also that allows you to do that. That's it. No more self-advertising. The rest is in your hands. If I can get enough followers I will consider writing the book. Thanks in advance.