If You're Happy and You Know It...

The other day my wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Over the last ten years my answer has been the same; What I truly want I cannot have. I wanted more time with my daughter. Another day with my wife of 26 years. Another chance to see the things I took for granted. A chance to see the things I would never experience.

Christmas without people in your life that were responsible for shaping you into the person you are today can be tough. I have two very close friends who are learning what it is like to not be able to call home and wish Mom a happy birthday. Or Merry Christmas. Or just to say I love you. They, like me, are having to unwrap presents that contain a little bit of sadness during the holidays.

But for me, that has become the ghost of Christmas past. 2016 was an incredible year for me. One of utter joy - and not just because the Cubs won the World Series! This year there is a little more joy in shopping. This year I don’t have to leave my shopping cart in the middle of the aisle and go somewhere to compose myself. This year I don’t have to force myself to stop when the gift tags say “from Uncle Kevin” only. This year God has blessed me with an incredible gift. This year I get to wrap and unwrap joy!

Perhaps this is a year of sadness for you. Maybe this year it is hard to focus on the good that seems so small in comparison to the bad. And maybe you are facing the holidays with dread rather than joyous anticipation. Well I’m here to tell you to STOP. But hear me out. Stop worrying that you are ruining Christmas for everyone else. Stop thinking it is wrong to mourn your losses during a joyous season. Just be where you are in your journey down your personal road of grief. It’s perfectly okay to miss a loved one. And you can still find joy in the season.

So, what do I really want for Christmas? What do you get a man who now has everything he could ever want? God has blessed me again with an incredible woman and two equally awesome girls that I fell in love with almost as quickly as I did their mother. He has given me a chance to not take things for granted as I live my life with these ladies. I will get to see weddings, graduations, babies being born and other wonderful miracles that I thought I would never get the chance to witness. He has definitely treated me, over my entire lifetime, better than I deserve to be treated.

As I review the blog posts I have made over these last several years I have seen the same theme you have. I have cooked up a dish of grief and sadness. Left alone it is a bitter dish. So I have seasoned it with occasional laughter. I’ve stirred in rare bits of happiness to add just a little taste. Sprinkled it with my love for the Father. Set the oven on high heat and let it cook for as long as God has wanted. But what has been pulled from the oven is something I hope you found pleasing to your palate. 

It has been a journey of a thousand miles but God has managed to get me there in as few steps as possible. While in future blogs I hope you will realize that I will never forget those who were a part of my journey, but my focus will always be where God wants to take me. And I couldn’t be more thrilled with who He has along for the ride!

My prayer for you, dear reader and friend, is that God will bless you with the joy He has given me in 2016. I pray that He overflows your cup with goodness and mercy. I pray that the memories you have will be memories you will pass on to your children and their children. I pray peace over you and I pray that God gives you a smile at least half as big as the one He has placed on my face.

'Twas the night before a widowers Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through my home

Not a creature was stirring, I am all alone

Stockings aren't hung by the chimney I swear

'Cause the people I want to be with, are not there

No one is nestled all snug in their beds

Just me and my iPad and a sense of dread

The holidays are not the same around here

No milk and cookies just bread and stale beer

No voices are lifted, just a night that's silent

No tree dressed in lights, no packages of white

When what to my crying eyes should appear

Why it's nothing, and it brings me to tears

No sound of Santa dodging the fire

No carolers singing, no heavenly choir

No jolly fat man shoved in a suit of red

My eyes are where you find that color instead 

Christmas without my family here

It makes me long for the first of the year

But before this poem starts breaking your heart

I'm learning to live, make a new start

Friends they surround me with love and with prayer

There's no doubt in my mind I have friends who do care

I have food on my table and a roof overhead

So much to thank God for this Christmas instead

Thank Him for grace, it's new every day

Thank Him for love He keeps sending my way

Thank Him for mercy and thank Him for joy

And most of all, thank Him for the gift of His boy

If you find yourself in my shoes this year

Perhaps you can find a source of good cheer

Find it in faith, find it in friends

Find it in others who are there 'till the end

Give gifts to someone that you may not know

Let someone out in traffic when it's your turn to go

I bet if you tried you could think of your own

Special ways to make others feel less alone

Doing for others, now that's a great gift

Giving someone else that much needed lift.

For in giving away joy I'm sure you will see

Joy comes back in a large quantity. 

If you think Christmas this year will be blue

Think of all the good you could do

Then when you rest and say your prayers just right

You can say Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. 

Butterfly kisses for Christmas

Christmas came early this year for some of my nieces and nephews. Due to their father's work schedule and a variety of upcoming Christmas programs and parties it was deemed necessary to have a little bit of the Christmas celebration earlier than I can ever remember having it before - regardless of how much I wanted to open my presents early as a child. And so, the first of the firsts began today. 

Every year for the last seven I have missed my daughter at our Christmas gatherings whether at my family's or her mother's family's. I was so proud watching her show her appreciation and how she matured as she got older. She had just reached that age where she enjoyed watching other people open their gifts as much, if not more than, opening her own. She wanted to see the joy in other's faces. And I can vividly remember her last Christmas both at home and at my parent's house. 

This year her absence was felt more than it has in a few years. This time her mom wasn't around to watch the cousins open their presents. And this time I wanted to make it a special Christmas. So each child was given a few things that belonged to my daughter. My nephew, quite the bibliophile himself, was given five books in a series of books that my daughter enjoyed. That and a frisbee she threw like a girl. Before I left the festivities I took him out back and we threw the frisbee back and forth (and into a number of objects) for a while. I would say that it reminded me of throwing the frisbee with my child but my nephew could throw whereas my kid... Well, she was a great singer. 

The oldest niece received a devotional that my daughter read through when she was close to the same age. It gives her something to read and discuss with her parents every day for a year. I also included a couple of fiction books geared for a pre-teen girl. But the most prized possession would have to be the scarf that her cousin knit herself. For the last seven years that scarf has been draped across a bench at the foot of our bed. The scarf had grand designs of being a blanket one day but my daughter never got the chance to finish it. Perhaps my niece will use it as a scarf for awhile and then, once she becomes proficient at knitting, she can continue the blanket project. 

The next niece, the one I remember feeding a bottle at our child's last Christmas was next. For quite some time now her Gran has called her "dolphin eyes" because of her big beautiful brown eyes. So she was given a dolphin mini statue that was cut from a beautiful stone. She was also given a travel tic-tac-toe game that uses Velcroed dolphins and whales rather than X's and O's. And lastly she received a orca beanie baby that was the closest thing I could find to a dolphin amongst the dozens of stuffed animals we still have. 

The youngest niece on my side of the family was given the biggest gift. My daughter had a pair of butterfly wings as part of a costume. She loved butterflies. So my youngest niece is now the proud wearer of butterfly wings. Also included in the bag of gifts (I'm a guy and we don't wrap) was a stuffed dog that was so soft and just seemed to call out to be adopted by another little girl. 

Not having my daughter there with me was emotional draining. Not having my wife with me opened the taps all the way. We did end the evening on a fun note with a gift for my mother she never saw coming that had us all laughing. But when the wrapping paper was all picked up and cake and ice cream was served I began to work my way toward the door (unfortunately leaving behind the wonderful hand-made gift from my nieces). It was time for me to go home and be alone. The first of my first Christmas days was over. They never are as hard as you expect them to be, but they don't make the next ones any easier. 

Bbbbbbird, bird, bird. Bird is the word.

I'm thankful for my family and my friends. I cannot count the number of people who have invited me to spend Thanksgiving Day with them. And each one of you are such a blessing to me even as I turned your invitation down. There are just too many good memories to be shared around your Thanksgiving dinner table. Memories to share of holidays past. Great memories. And you don't need me there to spoil that.  You will probably make even more memories as you look at the spread before you and wonder how you will ever eat all of it. And you won't. Many of you come to the meal with containers empty and ready to take leftovers home with you. You'll laugh and eat until you are about to burst. The men will all unbuckle their pants to allow a little more breathing room and retire either to the living room to watch football or to the fields for hunting. 

This Thanksgiving I will not be making wonderful memories over a freshly carved turkey. I will not have to turn down someone's offer of a spoonful of dressing or cranberry sauce. I will not smell the apple pie baking or drink my weight in sweet tea. I have chosen to be alone. 

Please don't worry about me. I will be fine. I will treat it as I would any other off day. I will sleep in. I'll probably work in the yard. I will sit on the couch and watch some football. I do have some deli sliced turkey in the fridge so I will probably have a turkey sandwich to remain true to tradition. I will probably fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon and blame tryptophan. And I'll probably dream of John Madden trying to say tryptophan. I love Jesus, but I do drink a little. But not to forget. I can never forget and will never try to drown sorrows that way. Instead I will raise a silent toast to those no longer with me. 

The family I no longer have with me physically will look at me behind wooden and plastic frames scattered around the house and wonder why I am still there. I am still there because they are still there. Their very essence permeates the rooms. It is here that I feel closest to my wife and daughter. It is here that I feel I need to be. It is here that most of my memories can come flooding back. 

Don't weep for me. Don't worry about me. I'm learning to be alone and this is my first major test. I have friends coming in the evening so I will not be alone the entire day. I'm even trying my hand at cooking... well, at preparing snacks. I think my first solo run at the homemade cheese ball is a success. I've even bought stuff to fix a real breakfast in the morning. 

Getting through the last several holidays without my little girl has been tough. But together Wanda and I made it. Getting through the holidays without either of them will be a greater challenge. How I handle this day will determine my approach to both Wanda's birthday and then Christmas. Personally I think it will all hinge on the cheese ball.