Oh What a Beautiful Mourning (see what I did there?)

If you've ever lost a loved one then you know there are days that are tougher than others. Some are explainable such as holidays and birthdays and some are just what a friend of mine called "blue days." In many cases I would rather face the special days than the blue days because you are prepared. As a matter of fact, the preparation for those days are often worse than the actual days themselves. That's why, sometimes, the second year is worse than the first because you think, "I've been through this before. I've got this." But then the day hits you and, because you didn't spread the pain out over several days, it becomes a huge load. Then there are days that you know will be bad and no amount of preparation is enough. 

If you've ever lost a loved one then you understand. But if you've lost a loved one and then lose the one who shared your grief... This is tough. The emotions flood over you and the one person that you had to hold and cry with is no longer there. You want to scream. You want to kick, hit, scratch. Angry Me shows up and he ain't leaving for awhile. Prayer helps. Both mine and those praying for me (thank you). But prayer doesn't hold you in tangible arms. Prayer doesn't kiss the tears away. Prayer doesn't snuggle up and fall asleep in your arms. So, what do I do? I pray. I pray because it's all I have left. 

This evening I wanted desperately to not attend my church small group. Angry Me wanted to be halfway through a bottle searching for the worm. But I couldn't. God only knows why, but I had volunteered to help pick up one of my little ones and bring him home while his mom prepared for a bunch of adults seeking The Case for Christ. God only knows why, but I invited friends to join us and I couldn't very well not be there when they showed up. Well, maybe God isn't the only one to know. Tonight I got to hold a little one for much of the evening. I got hugs from a dozen friends that wanted to make my pain all go away. And, while it didn't go away, it at least dropped to a dull throb. 

Tonight I'm hoping the sandman finds me early. I'm hoping that the morning sun will help me rise and get my chores done. I'm hoping that my trip to the cemetery, and to another special place to honor my daughter who has not been by my side for 8 years, will not overwhelm me. I'm praying that my getaway to see her friends and mine will be just what I need. And I'm praying that a good time will be had by all. 

Please don't misunderstand me. I know that others will also mourn the day tomorrow. My daughter left an incredible legacy for one so young. Her friends have already begun to contact me. So have my friends. And my wife's friends. And I love them all and appreciate that they still remember the significance of February 5th. And the friends who will be occupying my long weekend, both new and old, will be doing so because they recognize the pain and share in it. And I know my in-laws and my family will also be mourning the loss of their grand-daughter, niece, and cousin. And their grief adds to mine, as mine does to theirs, as we all wish we didn't have to remember February 5th as having any significance. 

The pain will be greater this time during my day. I know it will. I've accepted it. My wife, while we were going through struggles that married couples face told me that she never wanted to be separated from me because I was the only one that would know the significance of February 5th held in her heart. That no one would ever appreciate the struggle she went through the way I would. Well, now it's my turn. I get to face the struggle without her by my side and it does threaten to overwhelm me. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I am going bring flowers to my beautiful little girl alone. And, while my wife won't be there I know that the prayers of my friends and my family will be. And I know, thanks to them, Angry Me will stay at home this time. 

Doctor, doctor, give me the news

Happy Mother's Day to me. No, I know it isn't Mother's Day but today I realized what it must be like to be a mother. I am a little under the weather and had to experience what it was like to be home and not have anyone to wait on me. Nobody to make sure I take my medicine. Nobody to check on me. Nobody to fix me dinner or bring me a snack. Nobody to nurse me back to health. Nobody to play doctor with. Just like a mom. 

When Wanda would get sick I would stay by her side. I would try to get her things and take care of her. But sometimes life would get in the way. I would need to go to work or I would have other obligations and she was left to fend for herself. With her medical background she would usually be able to self-diagnose and self treat so we seldom involved a doctor. But then came the day when she really needed a doctor. And a nurse. And a radiologist. And all those other people I keep getting bills from. And during that time I made sure life didn't get in the way. The ICU nurse was kind enough to let me visit after regular visiting hours so, for the last time, I was able to sleep beside my wife. I believe the nurses could see the writing on the wall and they didn't want to deprive me of that opportunity. 

So today, after church and after visiting with family and friends I found my way home. I took some medicine and I was forced to lie around and do nothing. And that's when it's the toughest. Left alone to our thoughts, those of us battling grief seldom think good thoughts. And having no one there to share the grief only makes it worse. In my case I honestly (and perhaps I'm being too honest in these blog posts?) fight with Angry Me. And Angry Me doesn't want to be good. Angry Me wants to throw things and get in trouble. Perhaps because Angry Me needs to be punished. Or perhaps Angry Me needs to be talked down. Fortunately for everyone, Angry Me was alone and he went away sooner rather than later. 

As the medication kicks in and starts to make me feel fewer symptoms of this cold, I'm reminded that the scripture says that a merry heart does good like a medicine. I believe that scripture to be true. 

The problem is when the nurse goes away and takes that medicine with her. 

Angry Me

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced us in 1969 to the Five Stages of Grief. They are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And she expressed them in that order. Several weeks ago an uncle of mine told me that he saw, during a three day stay with him, that I had expressed a lot of emotions but one thing he had not seen was anger. And he was right. He had not seen anger. Not that anger wasn't there, he just had not witnessed it. Now I'm sure that Dr. Kübler-Ross had her reasons for the order she selected and I am not psychiatrist, but I am not following the prescribed order. I had been upset but I never really went through a stage of anger and I've already gone through the acceptance stage. But lately the anger has been welling up in me and I realized something. I don't like it.

If you've been on this earth as long as I have you may remember the old TV show, The Incredible Hulk. Bill Bixby's character would look at people and say, "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." Well, that is me. I do not like Angry Me. You wouldn't like Angry Me either. Angry Me is not nice. Angry Me is a selfish SOB. He starts thinking of his own needs before others. He is known to scream, "That's not fair!" He takes the anger out on others in a variety of ways. He uses people for what they can do for him, rather than thinking of what he can do for them. 

Angry Me is starting to rear his ugly head. There is only one thing uglier than Sobbing Me and that is Angry Me when he is sobbing. Angry Me believes that every bad thing is the fault of someone else rather than himself. Angry Me has not really shown his ugly head in over a quarter of a century. Because he had someone to take all of the tension away. Someone who loved him in spite of his temper. Someone who was surprised and pleased when Angry Me started coming around less and less. That someone is no longer here to keep Angry Me at bay. And I pity the fool that is around when Angry Me really shows out.  

I am doing the best I can to keep Angry Me from showing up, but sometimes, just like Bruce Banner, sometimes the big guy can't be held back any longer. Many of you have missed my beloved like I have. You may start to miss her more when Angry Me comes around with no one to calm him down. 

No, I don't like Angry Me. I like putting other people first. I don't like to be looked at as a user who doesn't care for other's feelings. I am praying that God can help me keep Angry Me from showing up or keep you out of his path when he does. I don't like apologizing in advance. Apologizing in advance means that I know I'm going to hurt someone and I don't care. That's not me. That's Angry Me. But it's where I am right now so I am asking forgiveness. I'll do my best and please know that Angry Me is no respecter of persons, but I am. And, just like the Hulk, I may need someone to talk me down. To talk some sense into me. To bravely face Angry Me and look deep inside for Real Me. He has to be in there somewhere.