We need governmental assistance

Mississippi has long lagged behind its 49 brothers and sisters in many categories. One that we must be proud to be a leader in is obesity. Many people don’t know this but Mississippi was once a northern state but, due to the wonderful fried foods we have ingested over the years we actually slipped below the Bible belt leaving America’s waistline somewhere around its armpits. Or Arkansas.

Why has Mississippi gotten so fat? For any number of reasons. We know fried foods cause us weight gain but without the grease involved in frying we would have sunk into the Gulf of Mexico. This means we mustn’t give up our chicken-fried lasagna but instead look for other alternatives.

Without a doubt we have become a very lazy people. I will admit that I fall in that category. I bought a treadmill and an exercise bike in an effort to regain the energy and shape I had 15 years ago. Like an idiot, I put them upstairs. I would use them more but I am panting after climbing the stairs. I joined a gym once. I stopped going because I got caught in that ever increasing line of cars that circled the parking lot looking for a spot to park close to the door so I wouldn’t have to walk so far. Besides, if I start getting in shape now my wife may think I found someone else. So I remain lethargic for marital harmony.

I think that I am increasing in girth because I am addicted to food. Sometimes I think that if I don’t have food I will just die. The addiction is so bad that sometimes I smear newspaper ink on my nose just trying to smell Robert St. John’s latest recipe in the American.

I know I can’t be alone in this. We need to unite and fight the weight fight. All who agree raise your Twinkies in the air and repeat after me, “I don’t want to lose the fight to lose.”

So, where do we go from here? I have to believe that there are steps that America should be forced to help us with. It’s all about self esteem, right? We should begin by asking clothing manufacturers to re-label the clothes. All marked sizes should be 6 sizes lower than they actually are. Next we should forbid advertising of any food after 9:00 PM. Munchies are hard enough to fight in the first place. A third thing America could do for us is require that the parking spaces for all fast food places be located one-quarter mile from the actual restaurant doors. While they are at it, board up drive through windows to make us actually get out of our rolling dining table. America needs to take the initiative because obviously I can’t.

I am sure that you can come up with some ideas of your own. We should all meet and discuss this over a nice Baked Alaska… and a diet coke.