I have been asked to post some of my past articles from the Hattiesburg American. Rather than post them individually I am going to post them about three at a time. I hope they touch you in some way or another.
April 2007
WHO IS YOUR HERO?
As a kid I had a list of heroes a mile long. Dad, Spiderman, the president, Rocky Balboa… As I got older the heroes began to lose their luster. I was never going to grow up to be Spiderman, Rocky or the President. But I still had the shot at being a dad. I began to hope that one day my child would look at me as her hero as I did my dad. Little did I know that the roles would one day be reversed.
Last year, during a trip to the Big Apple, I had the driver take my wife, my daughter, my sister-in-law, and me past the vast empty spaces that once housed the bastions of our financial prowess. Here, thousands of heroes lost their lives. The emptiness within the financial district reflects the emptiness in the lives of the families of these heroes.
Closer to home we saw a number of heroes in south Mississippi respond to the devastation left behind by Katrina. During the Katrina remodel of my store my daughter took the time to tape THANK YOU to the window of the store and then we listed the heroes we were thanking. Our list included the relief workers, construction crews, our mayor and city council, emergency responders, our neighbors, and our customers who kept the economy afloat.
NBC's hit show, HEROES, struck a chord with my daughter. She had been working on her own illustrated novel that included her friends with extraordinary powers gifted them by a super cell storm. This simple TV show inspired her to continue her book. Post-It notes are all over the house with ideas she wanted to include in her story.
Each of us has a hero in our life. A person who leaves a mark in our lives. Some have an impact as great as Martin Luther King, Jr. Others have a smaller impact. The question I pose today is, do you have a hero in your life? More importantly, does your hero know how you feel? Have you told him or her? Maybe dropped a letter in the mail to them? Called them? Emailed them? Please don't wait. Do it today.
In February I told my daughter, "You are my hero, baby. I am so proud of you." These were the last words I spoke to her as we turned her body over to the doctors so that she could give the gift of life to others through the miracle of organ donation. She is my greatest hero and always will be. Somehow I don't think my dad minds.
MAY 2007
MOTHER'S DAY
This past Sunday, while millions of Mom's were spending a happy Mother's Day with their children, countless others found little to reason to celebrate. Looking at the history of Mother's Day over the last several years I realized just how difficult that day can be.
Mother's Day, 1996 was the first Mother's Day after the Oklahoma City bombing of the Federal Building. The mothers of the children in day care there did not feel much like celebrating.
Mother's Day, 2002, victims of the 9/11 terrorist bombing felt little cause for rejoicing.
Closer to home, Mother's Day 2006 followed the devastation that was Katrina where many mother's lost their children and many children lost their mothers.
This year my wife and I joined the parents of the Virginia Tech students as we observed Mother's Day without our children. Since Beth was an only child, we had to face a childless Mother's Day for the first time in 15 years. Every day without Beth is tough, but this year was our first Mother's Day with the realization that we would commemorate but never really celebrate Mother's Day again.
I will treasure the support of my family and friends until the day I join my Beth. Yet the thing that brought me the most peace was the kids who came to offer their Momma Wanda a "Happy Mother's Day!"
These kids not only feel their own pain, but they want to be there for us and share ours. What an incredible gift that is to us. Shoulders that should never bear the weight of losing a good friend are asking if they can help carry some of our pain as well. These kids are incredible. I have always wanted to be a father figure for Beth's friends. But I had never imagined them as a "child figure" for me. Our best friends, Doug and Angie, had let their daughter, Emily, be Beth's "little sister" for years. Ron and Kim told us that their daughter, and Beth's best friend, Krista, was our daughter too. Jill, Rebecca, Ashton and so many others have also become surrogate daughters for us. They each helped us get through the day - as they do every day.
I have begun to think of the people who helped raise me. Mrs. Carole, whose house I spent as much time growing up in as I did my own. Mrs. Claudia, my mother's best friend. She and Papa Ray were the parents I called upon when my parents were unavailable. Life would not be the same without you. I hope I have made you all as proud of me as I am of my "adopted" children.
To all the mothers, from Seminary to Richton to Purvis and to Hattiesburg, who joined us in grieving this year rather than celebrating, remember, as long as you have a child in your heart and memory, you are still a mother. God bless you all.
June 2007
LEAVING A LEGACY
It has taken us some time but my wife and I are slowly making our way through my daughter's stuff. I have found everything from notes to Happy Meal toys in her organized but cluttered room. Sifting through the various trinkets that Beth managed to accumulate over her short 15 years has been bittersweet. As I read through tears the love notes she saved from her Mom and the entries in her journals I found one thing to be missing.
Beth was a wonderful young lady wading through the midst of her teenage years. She had developed many friendships through the years and, once you were a friend of hers, you were a friend for life. Her mom and I found notes that she wrote to these friends but never got to send. We found presents she wanted to give them when she next saw them. She had things she wanted to give to her new "niece" – my god-daughter – that she never got to meet. But, again, there was something noticeably absent that you would expect to find in a teenagers room.
We did not find it among her hundreds of stuffed animals we passed out to the many who came to the funeral. We did not find it in the pockets of the denim jacket she wore when riding on the motorcycle with me. We did not find it among the things she bought to "pimp her ride." We did not find it in the "secret club" space she shared with her friend Krista in the attic. It wasn't with her pet hamster, GusGus. It isn't in her piano bench nor was it in the case that housed the trumpet her Uncle Paul loaned her.
No matter where I have searched I have not found that one thing she left behind that would cause her, or us, embarrassment. We all know that teenagers have their little secrets. Beth had her share as well. However, there were no "I hate my parents" letters to a friend. No drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. No secret plans to run away because she was unhappy at home. I am proud to be her father.
It got me to thinking. If I should die today and relatives began sifting through my stuff, would I be proud or humiliated? Could I stand to have some of my secrets shared with the public? Now, I can proudly say that you won't find a secret life when you dig through the detritus of my life. But am I truly proud of how I have littered the path of my life?
I do not plan to make my heavenly journey any time soon. Of course, I never imagined that my daughter would get there first. So if you see me this spring doing a little more cleaning than normal you will know that I am getting my stuff together.
You can't take it with you but can you truly afford to leave it behind?
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
NEVER MISS THE CHANCE
When you hear the phrase “family reunion” what comes to mind? For me it was this not so wonderful picture I had of attending such an event back in the 1970’s. It was a hot summer Virginia afternoon with strangers. My cheeks were pinched by a number of older women (gosh, they must have been in at least their 30’s) and I was regaled with stories of what I had done as a small child. Needless to say, it was not a favorable picture.
Fast forward to the mid 1990’s. My wife, my daughter, and I walked the historic streets of Charleston, South Carolina as we celebrated my Grandmother’s 75th birthday in the city of her choice. It was the closest we had to a family reunion. The next gathering was for her funeral a few years later. A decision was made then to get together more often and the idea for the first Garner family reunion was born. After all, we hated the thought of only getting together for funerals.
Sometime later a family reunion was hosted by my aunt and uncle in North Carolina. We golfed and ate and swam during a fun filled weekend. The highlights for me were paddling a canoe in the local lake with my daughter and playing golf with my uncles. After the reunion one of my uncles followed us to Hattiesburg and I had the opportunity to play a round of golf with him at my home course, Timberton. Little did I know it would be our last round as he passed away a few months later. Once again we gathered for a funeral instead of a reunion. During this time my wife and I offered to host the next family reunion.
The family got together again, not for the planned reunion but for my daughter’s funeral. I love them all very much and having them there helped more than they could know. We just wished that it could have been for a better reason.
Finally, this summer, we got to have that long awaited second family reunion. Although Grandmother, Uncle Bill, and my Beth have already been reunited, they were all truly missed at our reunion. Their pictures were there along with a wonderful poem my mother wrote for those who left before us.
All too often we take for granted those who are with us. We opt not to attend a family reunion because it is inconvenient. It’s usually hot and takes an effort to arrive at the destination. When we do get there we spend more time with our own immediate family members than we do those we may only see once or twice a decade.
I want to challenge you to make an effort to cherish those times you have with loved ones you have not seen or spoken to in some time. Attend as many family reunions as you can. Say those things to your family that you always wanted to say. Don’t wait until the final reunion.
Fast forward to the mid 1990’s. My wife, my daughter, and I walked the historic streets of Charleston, South Carolina as we celebrated my Grandmother’s 75th birthday in the city of her choice. It was the closest we had to a family reunion. The next gathering was for her funeral a few years later. A decision was made then to get together more often and the idea for the first Garner family reunion was born. After all, we hated the thought of only getting together for funerals.
Sometime later a family reunion was hosted by my aunt and uncle in North Carolina. We golfed and ate and swam during a fun filled weekend. The highlights for me were paddling a canoe in the local lake with my daughter and playing golf with my uncles. After the reunion one of my uncles followed us to Hattiesburg and I had the opportunity to play a round of golf with him at my home course, Timberton. Little did I know it would be our last round as he passed away a few months later. Once again we gathered for a funeral instead of a reunion. During this time my wife and I offered to host the next family reunion.
The family got together again, not for the planned reunion but for my daughter’s funeral. I love them all very much and having them there helped more than they could know. We just wished that it could have been for a better reason.
Finally, this summer, we got to have that long awaited second family reunion. Although Grandmother, Uncle Bill, and my Beth have already been reunited, they were all truly missed at our reunion. Their pictures were there along with a wonderful poem my mother wrote for those who left before us.
All too often we take for granted those who are with us. We opt not to attend a family reunion because it is inconvenient. It’s usually hot and takes an effort to arrive at the destination. When we do get there we spend more time with our own immediate family members than we do those we may only see once or twice a decade.
I want to challenge you to make an effort to cherish those times you have with loved ones you have not seen or spoken to in some time. Attend as many family reunions as you can. Say those things to your family that you always wanted to say. Don’t wait until the final reunion.
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