Have you ever had to face someone who has gone through the tragedy of losing a loved one and not known what to say? You see that person and try to “duck and cover” so that you don’t have to speak. You turn down an aisle at Target and hang out looking at a vast array of toothbrushes hoping they will walk past you and not notice. If they do see you, you paste a surprised look on your face as if you had not known they were there in the first place.
Having been on both ends of the situation, I have a few suggestions. Although we all wonder what to say in those awkward moments, I think it is more important to know what NOT to say.
I did a slight bit of research by talking with some new friends that have lost close family members. We have come up with a list of things that we have heard over the years. Here are just a few. Some are shocking, while others may point to your own guilt.
To a new widow: “You’re still young. You’ll find another man.”
To a grieving parent: “Have you thought about having another child?” and “I know how you feel. I lost my dog last year.”
In reference to organ donation: “How much did you get for all of his things?”
Space in this column will not allow the countless other “wonderful” comments we have heard.
So, what SHOULD you say? First, don’t avoid us. Instead share with us a good memory you may have of the dearly departed. Second, remember, when you share stories of your life, we have no new stories to tell of our loved one. So listen to our old ones as if you are hearing them for the first time. It helps us keep the memories alive. Third, refrain from giving advice. There is no magic saying or scripture we haven’t heard or read that you can share to make the pain suddenly go away. Just be there to help us carry the load.
Finally, if you truly want to help, lend an ear or a shoulder. When you disappear from our lives it just becomes another loss for us. Instead, listen and give us a reassuring hug. Be there for us like you were before our loss. These things can truly help in our time of sorrow.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Appreciation
In continuing where I left off a few months ago, I am going to try to post a few more blogs for you to muddle through. These blogs are from articles published in the local newspaper. I hope you enjoy - or at least get something out of them.
Is it really that difficult to show appreciation? A little thank you goes a long way. Instead of giving thanks we, too often, tend to look for more. Real appreciation is difficult to find and, when it is found, it should be praised. Weekly, on this very page, we read letters from readers who want to thank others for a kindness shown. When is the last time you actually wrote a thank you note to someone? Or had one of your kids write one?
Let me tell you what brought this to mind.
I recently saw a video of a small child who received one of these new game systems from his parents for his birthday. He was totally shocked. He knew that these systems go for $300 or more. Most kids would tear through the box to get at the games and not consider what the parents had to go through to provide them. Not this kid though. He asked his parents if it was his or if he was going to have to take it back – like a rental system. When the boy was told that it was his he cried and went immediately to his parents arms to say thank you. That in itself was cause enough for me to swallow a newly formed knot in my throat. What he did next caused me, a man who recently celebrated the 4th anniversary of his 39th birthday, to actually sob out loud. The boy went to his room, got money from his savings, and tried to give it to his parents to offset the cost of his presents. What an incredible child. And what incredible parents to bring a young man up like that.
One of the things I told my daughter as she was growing up was to be appreciative of all she got and all she had. I cannot tell you the number of times she made me beam with pride as she made sure all of her friends got gifts at her birthday parties. During Christmas she would wait until last to open her presents so she could watch her cousins open theirs and see the joy on their faces. When it came time to open hers she would look to see who it was from and thank them individually, without prompting, before opening her next gift.
The most amazing thing I ever saw her do in regards to thankfulness was to ask about her tithe on the way to church. She had earned $3.00 that week, at the age of 5, and wanted to know how much she was supposed to give. We told her that tithing meant she had to give 10%, or 30 cents. We told her she could give more but she had to give at least three dimes. She looked at the nearly $4 she had in her purse and said, “Since Jesus died for me I think I will give it all to Him.”
That is appreciation.
Is it really that difficult to show appreciation? A little thank you goes a long way. Instead of giving thanks we, too often, tend to look for more. Real appreciation is difficult to find and, when it is found, it should be praised. Weekly, on this very page, we read letters from readers who want to thank others for a kindness shown. When is the last time you actually wrote a thank you note to someone? Or had one of your kids write one?
Let me tell you what brought this to mind.
I recently saw a video of a small child who received one of these new game systems from his parents for his birthday. He was totally shocked. He knew that these systems go for $300 or more. Most kids would tear through the box to get at the games and not consider what the parents had to go through to provide them. Not this kid though. He asked his parents if it was his or if he was going to have to take it back – like a rental system. When the boy was told that it was his he cried and went immediately to his parents arms to say thank you. That in itself was cause enough for me to swallow a newly formed knot in my throat. What he did next caused me, a man who recently celebrated the 4th anniversary of his 39th birthday, to actually sob out loud. The boy went to his room, got money from his savings, and tried to give it to his parents to offset the cost of his presents. What an incredible child. And what incredible parents to bring a young man up like that.
One of the things I told my daughter as she was growing up was to be appreciative of all she got and all she had. I cannot tell you the number of times she made me beam with pride as she made sure all of her friends got gifts at her birthday parties. During Christmas she would wait until last to open her presents so she could watch her cousins open theirs and see the joy on their faces. When it came time to open hers she would look to see who it was from and thank them individually, without prompting, before opening her next gift.
The most amazing thing I ever saw her do in regards to thankfulness was to ask about her tithe on the way to church. She had earned $3.00 that week, at the age of 5, and wanted to know how much she was supposed to give. We told her that tithing meant she had to give 10%, or 30 cents. We told her she could give more but she had to give at least three dimes. She looked at the nearly $4 she had in her purse and said, “Since Jesus died for me I think I will give it all to Him.”
That is appreciation.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Pennies from Heaven
Several weeks ago a break-in occurred on our church property. Among the things that were stolen was a jug of pennies my daughter Beth had collected. When you lose a child it is sometimes difficult to give away things that remind you of her. Nonetheless, we felt peace when we gave those pennies to the youth of the church who in turn donated the pennies to the church building fund.
To say I was a little upset at the theft of those pennies would be an understatement. I thought of a number of things I wanted to do to the person or persons responsible. Ashamedly, most of those thoughts were not Godly – but you can find them in the Bible! You see, those pennies belonged to my daughter. Those pennies represented what we had worked on for years. Each day I would come home from work and call her to come get her pennies. The person who took those pennies stole from the youth, and from my Beth. However, instead of allowing me to stay angry, God reminded me that these pennies were not mine. They were not the students’. They were not Beth’s. They belonged to God. They were given to Him for His glory and He would receive the glory whether the pennies were used for the building or not. The Hattiesburg American published a letter I wrote that expressed my displeasure but also told the thief that I was praying for him. I asked that the pennies please be returned.
A week later there were no pennies. However, a member of my church pulled me aside and, along with his mother – who is not a member of the church – gave us $200. God had replaced our losses… but He wasn’t finished.
After lunch one day I was approached by a sweet lady who said she had something in her car for me. When she took me out to the car she showed me… a bucket of pennies. She had read in the paper about the theft and wanted to do something about it. The thought choked me with emotion but the story she had to tell about her pennies burst the dam.
These pennies came from a collection that belonged to her son who had passed away sometime back at the young age of 43. He would find pennies on the road and put them in a container back home. God had sent me a mother who had lost her child. This child, like mine, had saved pennies. This 43 year-old man’s name is Ford Shepherd. How coincidental – a shepherd revealed God’s glory at Christmas time.
When we first purchased the property our church building will one day occupy, there was a small out building on the land. After months of trying to decide what to call the building we have finally settled on a wonderful name – The “Shepherd’s Shed”. I hope Ford’s mother is as honored as I was the day she brought me the pennies.
To say I was a little upset at the theft of those pennies would be an understatement. I thought of a number of things I wanted to do to the person or persons responsible. Ashamedly, most of those thoughts were not Godly – but you can find them in the Bible! You see, those pennies belonged to my daughter. Those pennies represented what we had worked on for years. Each day I would come home from work and call her to come get her pennies. The person who took those pennies stole from the youth, and from my Beth. However, instead of allowing me to stay angry, God reminded me that these pennies were not mine. They were not the students’. They were not Beth’s. They belonged to God. They were given to Him for His glory and He would receive the glory whether the pennies were used for the building or not. The Hattiesburg American published a letter I wrote that expressed my displeasure but also told the thief that I was praying for him. I asked that the pennies please be returned.
A week later there were no pennies. However, a member of my church pulled me aside and, along with his mother – who is not a member of the church – gave us $200. God had replaced our losses… but He wasn’t finished.
After lunch one day I was approached by a sweet lady who said she had something in her car for me. When she took me out to the car she showed me… a bucket of pennies. She had read in the paper about the theft and wanted to do something about it. The thought choked me with emotion but the story she had to tell about her pennies burst the dam.
These pennies came from a collection that belonged to her son who had passed away sometime back at the young age of 43. He would find pennies on the road and put them in a container back home. God had sent me a mother who had lost her child. This child, like mine, had saved pennies. This 43 year-old man’s name is Ford Shepherd. How coincidental – a shepherd revealed God’s glory at Christmas time.
When we first purchased the property our church building will one day occupy, there was a small out building on the land. After months of trying to decide what to call the building we have finally settled on a wonderful name – The “Shepherd’s Shed”. I hope Ford’s mother is as honored as I was the day she brought me the pennies.
Driving Miss Dixie
Recent road construction outside my store has given me the opportunity to witness first-hand something I once thought was an anomaly. What I have witnessed is that there are some insane drivers on the road. And believe me, I do not mean that in the best sense of the word. I am going to give these drivers the benefit of the doubt and give them some pointers that might make them (as well as others) live past 8:00 in the morning.
Let’s begin with checking with your vehicle’s owner’s manual about added options that your vehicle may have. I am sure that somewhere on those pages you will find what is called the turn signal or turn indicator. Usually this is a lever to the left of your steering wheel (you know, that thing you call a book rest). I am surprised by how many newer automobiles evidently have left off this option.
Next you might wish to look at the Mississippi Driver’s License Instruction Manual. There should be a chapter there on what a turn lane was designed to do. I am almost positive that it was not designed to allow you to pass other motorists who must be going only the speed limit. When you pass me on the right I pray that the car in front of you in this lane doesn’t suddenly need to turn, or that no one pulls out into the turn lane from one of the businesses it was intended to service
The next rant I want to go on is what station my radio is tuned to. I know that my music must not be as loud as yours but must you really ride so close to my bumper that you can change the station on MY radio? When I can read your rear license plate and you are behind me, you are probably too close.
In case you were unaware, emergency vehicles have the right of way. They should pass you on the left and you should make every attempt to safely pull off to the right to allow them to do so. If this means you have to miss a traffic light, then so be it. Is your being on time to be the first to rent the latest video so important that you would hinder an ambulance from getting to the victim of an auto accident caused by one of the aforementioned drivers?
I also want to let the parents know that, although our parents did it to us and we came out okay, it is not a good idea to let your toddler ride in the front seat with you… standing up… with your arm as his seatbelt.
With newly licensed drivers on the road daily, I spend much of my time in my truck praying for their safety. We need to set a better example. Please. I can’t stand the thought of losing one of these precious ones just so you can get your coffee before work.
Let’s begin with checking with your vehicle’s owner’s manual about added options that your vehicle may have. I am sure that somewhere on those pages you will find what is called the turn signal or turn indicator. Usually this is a lever to the left of your steering wheel (you know, that thing you call a book rest). I am surprised by how many newer automobiles evidently have left off this option.
Next you might wish to look at the Mississippi Driver’s License Instruction Manual. There should be a chapter there on what a turn lane was designed to do. I am almost positive that it was not designed to allow you to pass other motorists who must be going only the speed limit. When you pass me on the right I pray that the car in front of you in this lane doesn’t suddenly need to turn, or that no one pulls out into the turn lane from one of the businesses it was intended to service
The next rant I want to go on is what station my radio is tuned to. I know that my music must not be as loud as yours but must you really ride so close to my bumper that you can change the station on MY radio? When I can read your rear license plate and you are behind me, you are probably too close.
In case you were unaware, emergency vehicles have the right of way. They should pass you on the left and you should make every attempt to safely pull off to the right to allow them to do so. If this means you have to miss a traffic light, then so be it. Is your being on time to be the first to rent the latest video so important that you would hinder an ambulance from getting to the victim of an auto accident caused by one of the aforementioned drivers?
I also want to let the parents know that, although our parents did it to us and we came out okay, it is not a good idea to let your toddler ride in the front seat with you… standing up… with your arm as his seatbelt.
With newly licensed drivers on the road daily, I spend much of my time in my truck praying for their safety. We need to set a better example. Please. I can’t stand the thought of losing one of these precious ones just so you can get your coffee before work.
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