English, the Official Language?

Why is there a debate over making English the official language of this great country of ours? Regardless of your stance on illegal immigration I cannot see how one would oppose this resolution. However, before we pass such a resolution I think that we should all agree on one thing; which English language will we make official?

Couldst thou make an argument for the English language of our ancestors? I believeth that it would help us in the reading of the King James Version of The Holy Bible and the works of Shakespeare. Asideth from that, I don’t find much use for it.

What about txt language? I no U might take a min or 2 to d-cipher it, but it wud save some printer ink. And speling don’t madder.

Then there is gangsta, Southern, Yankee, valley, surfer, and Spanglish we must consider.

With all of the choices we have before us is it any wonder that English, as I was raised to speak it, is fast becoming obsolete? We have become too reliant on spell- check on our computers to worry about spelling.

Proofreading, which should be more efficient, has actually become less so. People who are paid serious money for advertising campaigns are even showing their ignorance. One such instance was a commercial for the electronics superstore, Rex. Their slogan, "Should’ve gone to Rex" was broadcast, "Should OF gone to Rex."

A local carpet store has misspelled the word "value" in one of its commercials - and they continue to run it this way. I understand how some of these things can occur. My fingers get a little dyslexic over the keyboard as well. But shouldn’t companies we pay to promote our wares in the business world be more efficient?

These inadequacies are not limited to the advertising world. The father of a friend of mine recently had a book published. The publishers should be shot for butchering his book the way they did. You would think that you would blame the author for the mistakes but it is obvious that the publisher did a text search on the computer and replaced the word "conversation" with the word "conservation."

This simple juxtaposition of letters, needless to say, completely changes the context of the story line. It was very annoying and made it difficult to maintain any continuity while reading.

Where do we find the worst culprit of all? Why, on the Internet, of course.

I do realize that many things I see posted on the Web are posted by people who are doing their best to write in a language that is foreign to their country. I appreciate their desire to write in a language I can understand and can forgive the occasional flaw. Lord knows I can’t begin to write in another language.

Maybe our focus need not be on making English our official language. Maybe it should be on learning to use our English properly. Methinks that would prolly be best 4 us all, Bro.

We need governmental assistance

Mississippi has long lagged behind its 49 brothers and sisters in many categories. One that we must be proud to be a leader in is obesity. Many people don’t know this but Mississippi was once a northern state but, due to the wonderful fried foods we have ingested over the years we actually slipped below the Bible belt leaving America’s waistline somewhere around its armpits. Or Arkansas.

Why has Mississippi gotten so fat? For any number of reasons. We know fried foods cause us weight gain but without the grease involved in frying we would have sunk into the Gulf of Mexico. This means we mustn’t give up our chicken-fried lasagna but instead look for other alternatives.

Without a doubt we have become a very lazy people. I will admit that I fall in that category. I bought a treadmill and an exercise bike in an effort to regain the energy and shape I had 15 years ago. Like an idiot, I put them upstairs. I would use them more but I am panting after climbing the stairs. I joined a gym once. I stopped going because I got caught in that ever increasing line of cars that circled the parking lot looking for a spot to park close to the door so I wouldn’t have to walk so far. Besides, if I start getting in shape now my wife may think I found someone else. So I remain lethargic for marital harmony.

I think that I am increasing in girth because I am addicted to food. Sometimes I think that if I don’t have food I will just die. The addiction is so bad that sometimes I smear newspaper ink on my nose just trying to smell Robert St. John’s latest recipe in the American.

I know I can’t be alone in this. We need to unite and fight the weight fight. All who agree raise your Twinkies in the air and repeat after me, “I don’t want to lose the fight to lose.”

So, where do we go from here? I have to believe that there are steps that America should be forced to help us with. It’s all about self esteem, right? We should begin by asking clothing manufacturers to re-label the clothes. All marked sizes should be 6 sizes lower than they actually are. Next we should forbid advertising of any food after 9:00 PM. Munchies are hard enough to fight in the first place. A third thing America could do for us is require that the parking spaces for all fast food places be located one-quarter mile from the actual restaurant doors. While they are at it, board up drive through windows to make us actually get out of our rolling dining table. America needs to take the initiative because obviously I can’t.

I am sure that you can come up with some ideas of your own. We should all meet and discuss this over a nice Baked Alaska… and a diet coke.