I remember when I turned the corner. When I had the chance to actually see what was in my future and make steps to get there. I didn't run to my future. I limped along. But I was moving forward at least.
Shortly after losing my daughter I was attending a concert. The band was a Christian band and I'm sure they were good, but I couldn't tell you who all was there. I was lost in the fog. Not the fog generated by the machines on stage, but in a mental fog. A grief cloud hung over me and nothing was burning it off. So right there in the middle of the concert I bowed my head and prayed a prayer that I had prayed before. But this time it was different.
When we face trials in life we often tend to ask God, why. Why me Lord? Why are you putting me through this? Most often it is a scream. WHY??? That was my prayer from the day that we took our daughter to the hospital and walked out without her. It was my prayer at the concert. But this time I asked God a little differently. I asked Him why, but I asked Him from my heart. I knew there had to be a reason. This time my WHY was really a question and not just a heart's cry. I asked God to please show me what the good was that was supposed to come out of this tragedy. I wanted to know how He could use this to help me and help others. So, instead of a scream, I simply whispered, why.
Acts 2:17 says, "In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams." I don't consider myself a young man by any stretch of the imagination nor do I think we are truly in the last days. But I do believe that God can send down His Spirit. That evening, in the middle of the concert, He did. I saw a vision just as clear as the device you are reading this on. And this was my vision:
I was walking on the second floor hall of what I can only describe as some sort of temple. The floor was made of gray stone and the walls of a beige color. Much like the stucco walls you see on a number of buildings these days. To my right were rooms with no doors, simply doorways. To my left were archways which allowed someone to see from the second floor into the courtyard of the floor below. Each of the archways were covered by a thick curtain that blocked the view. Walking beside me was Jesus and we were having a conversation. I'm not sure what we talked about before then but I remember the conversation led toward my asking Him what He wanted out of this. Well, I had that thought in my head, but what actually came out of my mouth was, "Why?" Jesus looked at me with compassion and said, "You want to know why? Let me show you why." Then He took me over to the archway and pulled the curtain back. He pointed to the floor below. It was filled with hundreds of people. Praises were being sung and hands were lifted. Then He looked at me and said, "You want to know why? That is why." I was confused and looked at Him. "I don't understand." Then He said, "Do you see those people down there? Every single one of them is here, in Heaven, worshipping God, because of Beth." He went on to explain that what I had gone through and my sharing her story led to each of those people getting to experience a relationship with Christ. Some of them directly. Most of them indirectly.
I recently had the opportunity to talk to a group of young men about facing tragedy and maintaining the faith. I don't do what I do because I'm strong. Quite the opposite. I am weak. But in my weakness He is made strong. At the end of my talk with these gentlemen I asked them to imagine themselves there as I walked and talked with Christ. Then I asked them, are you one of the hundreds? Or, by telling this story, could you be responsible for one of the hundreds. What about you, my dear reader? Where do you see yourself? Are you looking down at the faces below and recognizing a few of them? Or are you looking up and seeing me and Jesus in the opening?
I have a new question why now. Why did God choose to bless me with this opportunity? A friend asked me if I had to do it all over again would I be able to do it. Was it worth it? For me, regardless of the pain,it will be. It has to be. This time we have here on this earth is so minute compared to eternity. I will get to see Beth and I will get to see Wanda again. And, thanks to my Beth and her mom and being able to share our story, so will thousands of others.
I now question God about the blessings He has given me, a filthy sinner. I do not deserve to be a husband again. I don't deserve to be a part of a family like I am now. I didn't deserve to be blessed with a second love of my life. But I have been. And I wake up every day and thank God for his grace.
Each of us has the potential to have our own courtyard full of people. And each of those people could have their own courtyard. Exponentially we can all make an eternal difference for the Kingdom of Heaven.
We just have to let God turn our WHY into why.
