If You're Happy and You Know It...

The other day my wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Over the last ten years my answer has been the same; What I truly want I cannot have. I wanted more time with my daughter. Another day with my wife of 26 years. Another chance to see the things I took for granted. A chance to see the things I would never experience.

Christmas without people in your life that were responsible for shaping you into the person you are today can be tough. I have two very close friends who are learning what it is like to not be able to call home and wish Mom a happy birthday. Or Merry Christmas. Or just to say I love you. They, like me, are having to unwrap presents that contain a little bit of sadness during the holidays.

But for me, that has become the ghost of Christmas past. 2016 was an incredible year for me. One of utter joy - and not just because the Cubs won the World Series! This year there is a little more joy in shopping. This year I don’t have to leave my shopping cart in the middle of the aisle and go somewhere to compose myself. This year I don’t have to force myself to stop when the gift tags say “from Uncle Kevin” only. This year God has blessed me with an incredible gift. This year I get to wrap and unwrap joy!

Perhaps this is a year of sadness for you. Maybe this year it is hard to focus on the good that seems so small in comparison to the bad. And maybe you are facing the holidays with dread rather than joyous anticipation. Well I’m here to tell you to STOP. But hear me out. Stop worrying that you are ruining Christmas for everyone else. Stop thinking it is wrong to mourn your losses during a joyous season. Just be where you are in your journey down your personal road of grief. It’s perfectly okay to miss a loved one. And you can still find joy in the season.

So, what do I really want for Christmas? What do you get a man who now has everything he could ever want? God has blessed me again with an incredible woman and two equally awesome girls that I fell in love with almost as quickly as I did their mother. He has given me a chance to not take things for granted as I live my life with these ladies. I will get to see weddings, graduations, babies being born and other wonderful miracles that I thought I would never get the chance to witness. He has definitely treated me, over my entire lifetime, better than I deserve to be treated.

As I review the blog posts I have made over these last several years I have seen the same theme you have. I have cooked up a dish of grief and sadness. Left alone it is a bitter dish. So I have seasoned it with occasional laughter. I’ve stirred in rare bits of happiness to add just a little taste. Sprinkled it with my love for the Father. Set the oven on high heat and let it cook for as long as God has wanted. But what has been pulled from the oven is something I hope you found pleasing to your palate. 

It has been a journey of a thousand miles but God has managed to get me there in as few steps as possible. While in future blogs I hope you will realize that I will never forget those who were a part of my journey, but my focus will always be where God wants to take me. And I couldn’t be more thrilled with who He has along for the ride!

My prayer for you, dear reader and friend, is that God will bless you with the joy He has given me in 2016. I pray that He overflows your cup with goodness and mercy. I pray that the memories you have will be memories you will pass on to your children and their children. I pray peace over you and I pray that God gives you a smile at least half as big as the one He has placed on my face.

Birthday cake in heaven?

 

Do they have cake in heaven? How do you celebrate? Do you spend it with your mom and Papaw Warren and Granny or friends you've made up there? Are you celebrating your 25th or are you perpetually 15 like you are down here? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Did you get mom to bake you your favorite? What shape did you make the cake? Have you tried the manna yet? How about the sweet milk and  honey? Does the food there have calories? Does candy rot your teeth? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Do you get to drive on the streets of gold to the bakery or can you fly? Are the butterfly decorations real butterflies that hover above the roses like they do here searching for you? Has anyone explained déjà vu to you yet? These are just a few of the questions I have for you. 

Do they have cake in heaven? Is your guest list long? Is Mom letting you have friends over? Have you made many friends? Does Jesus stop by now and then? Did you invite Moses, David, Esther or Noah? Do angels hang the decorations? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Do they let you light candles or is the fire reserved for another place?! Do they use the trick candles up there? Do you get to stay up way past your bedtime? Do you even have a bedtime in heaven? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Do you get presents? What do you want for your birthday? What can I get a girl who truly has everything she could ever want? Can you get flowers up there? Is there a FedEx delivery service? What about GPS in case I need to get to you? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Do you have time to miss us down here? Do you know how much we miss you? Do you think you could let us hear you laugh one more time? Maybe see you smile? Can you visit us in our dreams and let us hold you like before? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Can you save a slice for me? Do you like how happy I am knowing where you are? Do you know how sad I am that you're not here? Do you know that the minute you left I longed to join you? Do you know that God had a bigger plan for me here? Do you know how happy He has made me with the gifts he has given me in my new earthly family? These are just a few of the questions I have for you. 

Do they have cake in heaven? Do you love your step-sisters as much as I do? Do you love my wife for the happiness she brings me? Do you love that God has brought me into a new family just like He did you? Has anyone explained déjà vu to you yet?These are just a few of the questions I have for you. 

Yes, they have cake in heaven. I know that they do. I know you are smiling as you enjoy another piece. I know you are saving a piece for me and a place for me at your table just as Christ saved a place for you at His. I know that you and mom are responsible for God directing my new forever into my life. I know that you want me to be happy and I know you are okay with my being sad. I know you know I miss you and that the rest of your family does too. I know you still paint the sunsets for me and send the butterflies my way. I know that you have made my life sweeter than it ever could have been without you. These are just a few of the answers I have for you.

Enjoy your cake in heaven. I'll enjoy my life down here. I'll think of you and miss you daily and look forward to our great reunion. My shoes will be squeaking as I run down those golden avenues to your door. I'll swing your door wide open and sing Happy Birthday at the top of my lungs to make up for all the ones I've missed. These are just a few of the things I'll do for you. 

Missing in Action: What takes us away from that we know?

Where have you been? 

Just the other day I had a friend ask me if she had missed a blog I had written. (It turns out that someone actually does follow these musings.) I told her that I had not written anything for awhile but promised to get back to it soon. Well, here I am getting back to it.

Why the absence? Why haven’t I penned anything for you to laugh or cry over? That’s a really good question. Why does any writer go through periods of not writing anything? Why does an artist not paint, a songwriter not compose, or sculptor not shape something from nothing? Come to think of it, why does a writer write, an artist paint, a composer compose, and a sculptor sculpt anyway? What inspires them? 

In ancient Greece a Muse was that entity that was considered the source of the arts. It was generally understood that there were nine Muses, each with their own domain. If I were to truly follow this mythology then I would rely on any number of them. Euterpe was the Muse for Music, Song and Lyric Poetry. So for the poems that I have written she would’ve been my Muse. Erato was the Muse for Love poetry so there are times I would reach out to her. Thalia, the Muse for Comedy, would also occasionally be consulted. But the Muse I would have spent the most time with would’ve been Melpomene. She was the Muse of tragedy.

In today’s terms I would say that for the longest time my Muse was a lady named Grief. She walked with me everywhere. She slept beside me and scripted my dreams. She was there waiting for me with a big cup of sorrow in the mornings. And there were times I drank deeply. But this Muse has taken a back seat of late. She has been replaced by a Muse that has caused me to reach out in other manners. Sure, I continue to write, but now I write personal notes. This Muse, Love, has shown me other ways to express myself. And, as she continues to work her way into my heart and fill up the cracks, crevices, and ravines, I find that I can write again but with words that bring tears of a different flavor. Tears of love and tears of joy are so much sweeter than tears of grief and bitterness. And while the tears of grief may still occasionally come, the overwhelming aroma of the tears of love and joy soon bring sweetness back to my life.

So forgive me for not being as faithful to my blog as I had thought that I would be. I’m busy being faithful to someone else.

How do those tears taste?

I thought I could, I thought I could

Yes it has been awhile since I've written. Blog posts that focused on the sad came easy. So since I'm happier than I've been in a few years that must be the reason for a blog-less month. Honestly, that is far from the truth. I've obviously found someone else. Someone who I would rather spend my time with than the blogosphere. I paid a hefty price to get where I am but I am happier now. Sharing the weight of grief for 7 years pushed true happiness aside. Hefting the weight of that grief on my own shoulders for two years flushed happiness down the crapper! While there have been happy moments and there has always been joy in the Lord, I haven't truly been able to be happy for almost ten years. 

Ten years. That's a freaking long time. But happiness has returned wrapped up in a beautiful package. And it should be smooth sailing from here now that I'm happy again. Birds are singing. Butterflies dance around me. Flowers are blooming brighter... Yeah, right. 

In legalistic terms my wife and I got married July 30th. In more realistic terms, a merger and acquisition occurred. Two became one, or two, or three. And it all began more or less after the honeymoon. My wife knew that she was getting a gentle soul that loved to snuggle. She knew that my moving in with her would bring joy and peace and contentment to her days and evenings. What she didn't reckon on was that I would also be bringing with me a freight train. You see, on the first morning we woke up together she smiled at me and told me that I snored a little but that she thought it was sweet because she could gently nudge me and I would stop. Fast forward to the next night and I'm suddenly being hovered over by this face two inches from mine as she violently shakes me and a voice I had never heard from her lovely lips came out "KEVIN, you have GOT to quit SNORING." Or words to that effect. I wasn't fully awake so I may be misremembering a little bit. 

No one is at their best when faced with a lack of sleep. It turns out I have not been at my best because I have not been sleeping well for a number of years. Now my beloved is beginning to share with me that pain. And, being the incredible woman that she is she has yet to banish me to the couch. Instead she has gotten up while I've been riding the Polar Express and climbed onto the couch herself. In fact, the only major argument we have had the entire time we have been married is over who gets to sleep on the couch when the little engine that could rounds the bend. And, being the giving person she is the argument has been about who gets to sleep on the couch rather than who has to. 

Like any good business merger there has to be a little give and take. I must believe that we are off to a good start when we both are trying to give rather than take. I'm praying that this will continue for the rest of our lives. Mergers can be painful to all as we adjust to another person's way of living, eating, relaxing, sleeping, or trainspotting. But as we both learn to tell our hearts to beat again we will one day find them beating in rhythm with one another. 

For my dear readers who did not get to attend the ceremony I invite you to watch at least the first ten minutes of it here. But I also encourage you to watch all 34 minutes of the story of hope and restoration we want you to hear. 

https://youtu.be/UN2mX0k1fic

I'm Gonna Love You Forever

Two rights don't make a wrong. That recently invented phrase of mine has been bouncing around my brain for about a week now. I knew it had to be the title of a blog post but I wasn't sure how to put it. What was the blog supposed to be about exactly? Where was my focus and, more importantly, what is it that I want you, my favorite reader, to take from a such a post? I don't write my blog solely for me (although at times it sure feels like it). So if I am to subject you to another of my musings what thought is it that I want you to ponder upon completion of this tome?

Anyone who has known me these past few years or more knows how much I love my Wanda and My Beth. And, yes, I did use the present tense of the word rather than the past. I will always love my family. They were so right for me. A perfect fit. Well, it became a perfect fit after we whittled away a few rough edges. Mine more than theirs. Then came the days when all that was right went wrong. I had my Mrs. Right and we had our perfect daughter. So when I lost them I lost all that was right in my world. 

And then came my new forever. 

I have again been blessed with a Mrs. Right. Well, a soon to be Mrs. Right. And she is blessing me with the opportunity to have two children to call family. So I have been doubly blessed in regards to daughters, or step-daughters if you must. I'm thankful that the girls have a father that still cares for them and I'm very thankful he feels comfortable with my being their step-father. These beautiful girls are the pretty ribbon on this incredible package the Lord has chosen to send me again.  

How is it that you know when you've found the one again? I cannot speak for you. I knew it quickly. But I also remember the night that I turned the corner. While I know that I will forever love my first love, an event that occurred the other evening let me know that my heart will never be the same. You see, I have professed my love to my new forever. I have asked her to marry me and received the response I was hoping for. But I think there was a little concern that she would be compared to the first Mrs. Right. And the other night I guess I did. But in a good way. 

When you lose someone you love it is like a part of you has been amputated. You reach for the limb that once was there only to be reminded that it isn't. And you still feel the ghosts pains of what was once there. But I have to believe (but I haven't asked so I don't know for sure) that there has to be a time when a prosthetic limb becomes so natural that you don't long for what was but focus instead on what is. And you find that you function quite well with the prosthesis. It has become a part of you. 

For almost two years I would climb in my bed and, out of habit, reach my foot over to find my first love. At times, and I remember this very vividly, my arms would literally ache to be holding her. Earlier this week I climbed in bed and felt that same ache. But this time was different. This time they ached to be holding the new forever. And, although we have yet to spend that night together where that feeling can become a reality, we are getting so much closer. 

My new forever no longer feels like a prosthesis. I can't say she ever really did. She brings me the joy that God gave her to bring me. She lights up my world in completely different ways. She has shown me a future that is full of opportunity. She has become someone to share in my faith and to serve with. I have learned so much from her and look forward to seeing what we can get accomplished together. 

But I have determined that she is no longer my new forever. Instead she will just be my forever. And I like that. 

Our house, is a very very fine house

I'm sorry to say that I sat under the leadership of one pastor for a year and the one thing that I can remember him saying that stuck out more than anything was this: "There are three things I hate in this life and moving is all three of them!"

Anytime you move there are emotions. And the longer you remain in one place the more difficult. The very walls of the house seem to absorb the memories that occurred there. Each trinket you pack up, picture you take down from the wall, piece of paper with crayon writing on it can move you to smiles and quickly to tears. 

This old house of mine holds many memories. Mostly good. Two of which were very bad. So moving for me is very bad and very good at the same time. Moving gives me a chance to start afresh. To take the wonderful lessons I learned about being a husband and a father, learn from them, and then try to be an even better husband and better (step)dad than I was before. 

Over the past month I have been working on getting my home ready to go on the market. According to the realtor there are some things I need to do to make the house easier to sell. One of those things is to de-personalize the house. In other words, turn what once was a home into a house so that someone else can turn it into their home. 

When anyone moves there is a certain emotional equity you will lose. You will not get all of that equity back out of your house when you leave. Memories of lying on the trampoline with my daughter looking up at the stars are merely memories never again to be repeated. Bed time prayers, devotional and Bible reading time are but a distant but deep seated memory. The bed is now bare. No pink comforter to fall asleep on while reading her The Hobbit. No sound of the gerbil running for eternity on the spinning wheel. Those have been memories that I would pick up and look at occasionally and place them right back where I found them. Now "where I found them" is gone. 

To say this has been emotional for me is akin to calling Niagara Fall s hill the local creek rolls over. Memories are shaken loose from where they had settled among my daughters clothes, her books, her stuffed animals. Like the gentle stirring of dust lying on undisturbed trinkets upon her shelf, some memories dance in the sunlight with the motes. Still others bring on a thunderstorm. Others offer to help only to find the motes dancing across their faces and activating allergies. How else can you explain the sudden well of tears in the eyes. 

Slowly I have packed up the memories. Some have been given away. Others placed in storage boxes for me to go through at a later time. Many have gone to new homes where I pray they will bring joy.

Alas, the emotions for this part of her world are not tied to her room alone as her presence is seen and felt throughout every room in the house. So as I go through the guest room where she stored her games in the closet and the study where she did school, as I move furniture from the room that has seen less living than ever before, while I pack away dishes and even sippy cups, and as I venture into the playroom where she entertained evening interlopers at slumber parties, there will continue to be memories. All of this on the heels of a second anniversary I never wanted to celebrate. 

I can get through this. It is for a worthy cause. You see, with every memory that brings on tears there is also a new memory to be made with my New Forever and her girls. They have brought new meaning to my life. The past looked bright with the memories. The future is beautifully illuminated with potential.

My first team did wonders at spreading joy and love wherever they went. Satan tried to put an end to the joy. But what Satan intended for evil God intends for good. My second team has taken the torch and has run with it all for the glory of God. 

I thank God everyday for the memories. And I thank him for the memories to come.  Because looking back on the past can be fun. But looking at where I'm going brings so much joy to my life. And it's a joy my first forevers have been longing for. For a long time for me. 

Is it over?

It has been longer between my blog posts than at any other time in the last two years. For those who have kept up with me on Facebook you know why. Preparing for my new forever is consuming my time. And I love it.

I've never been one to question why. I haven't dropped to my knees asking God why He would do this to me or allow me to go through these grief events. But now I must ask Him. Why would you consider this sinner worthy enough to blessed not once, but twice with a love as wonderful as I have? I know what I deserve. The wages of sin are death. But God has given me the gift of eternal life. When does that eternal life begin? It already has. And God has blessed me throughout this Pilgrim's Progress. 

My journey isn't over. My grief is still there. But God has blessed me with a woman who wants to know how best to minister to me when I'm having one of those moments. How cool is that? And how incredible is that woman? I will still have my moments but God has a new forever planned for me and I'm excited to see what this journey has in store for me. 

In conclusion I want to ask one question. And this question goes out to my first forever:

Did you bend God's ear?

Tell Him I didn't need to be alone.

Did you show Him my tears?

Tell Him to make my house a home?

Did you whisper my name?

Like you would in my ear. 

Did you look at my scars?

Tell Him that I needed her near.

Did you tug on his hem?

The way you tugged at my heart

Did you take my pen?

And write her name in the stars.

Did you cry at my pain?

And beg Him to answer

Can you hear my refrain?

I need to know, Did you send her?

Have you seen the beginning?

And tell me, how about the end?

Do you see me winning?

As I've found hope once again.

Did you see one forever?

See it come to a bitter end.

Did you plan this new forever?

Did you bring me love again?

She doesn't love me like you do

She has her own special way

No better or worse than you

I know my new forever is here to stay

There's no way this was chance

And I think those around will concur

So my question to this day still stands.

Did you send her?

How did you find the one?

The one to fill up my heart.

I guess you simply asked the Son

And that is the best place to start.

A woman of beauty and grace you have found

A blessed man I must surely be

And finally from this home comes a sound

As mourning becomes dancing with glee

I've never asked God why.

Why would He let me suffer so.

But now I guess I must try

To wrap my mind around what I know.

I now have a question I seek

One that has been filling my brain

Why did He choose to let me be?

Blessed beyond measure again. 

So, my first forever, let me say

If you've had a hand in my world since you've gone

You've witnessed above as I pray

And you've sent such a beautiful one

As I end this silly little rhyme

I guess I don't have to wonder

So I won't ask you one more time

Because I'm sure that you sent her

Do you think she will mind?

What would you think if I told you I met someone and felt an instant connection? Someone that I took out only two weeks after I first met her and couldn't take my eyes off of her. What if I told you I professed my love to her within a week? And that I planned to marry her shortly after that. What would you tell me? That it's too fast? That I need to plan it out. Slow it down. It's too soon. What if I told you that it was right and nothing you could say would make me change my mind? Would you call me foolish behind my back? Would you expect it to end as quickly as it began? You know, if I were in your shoes I would probably be thinking the same thing. But I'm not in your shoes. I'm in mine and I know what my heart wants no matter how quickly it happens. 

Now what if I told you that you were too late to change my mind? My decision has been made and I know that I'm supposed to be with this woman until death do us part. And what if I told you that she makes me the happiest man alive? Would you tell me to be cautious? What if I told you that the relationship that started so quickly burned brightly for 26 years? Until death did us part. Still feel like it is a bad decision?

Do you recognize the name Roy C. Sullivan? It's not exactly a household name. Roy C. Sullivan was a man who was struck by lightning and survived. Surviving a lightning strike is pretty incredible. Surviving a lightning strike twice is almost unheard of. Surviving a lightning strike SEVEN times puts you in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Does being with someone new make all the old go away? Absolutely not. Will being with someone new make you no longer grieve your losses? Never gonna happen. Does being with someone new give you someone who will comfort you in your grief and help shoulder the load? I would certainly hope so. It would have to be someone very special though. So far I think she is. Could I be giving Mr. Sullivan a run for his money? I hope not seven times. But twice could happen. And if it does I pray that everyone understands. 

Especially Wanda.

DO YOU MIND

One thing weighs heavy on my mind.

One thing grips at my heart

One thing I kneed to know

It's about a brand new start

Do you mind if I give my heart to someone new

Do you mind? 

Do you mind if it beats for one who isn't you

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I try to love again

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I have a peace within

Do you mind?

I've met someone else

Someone to help me bear the pain

The pain of losing you forever

Someone helped me love again

Do you mind if I give my heart to someone new?

Do you mind? 

Do you mind if it beats for one who isn't you?

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I try to love again?

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I have a peace within?

Do you mind?

To the one who helped me love again

Something I need for you to tell

As I rise above the pain

I ask one thing of you as well

Do you mind if my heart was held by one?

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I cry for that which has been done?

Do you mind?

Do you mind cause it's just too much to bear?

Do you mind?

Do you mind that I'm asking you to share?

Do you mind?

So much came from so little

You can learn a lot from a little. The scripture tells us that if we simply had the faith of a mustard seed we could move a mountain. While some may see this as a sign of how little faith we have I prefer to look at it as to how much faith we could have. If faith can be as small as a mustard seed then imagine what faith the size of a sunflower seed or even a walnut could do. I began to think about seeds that have been planted in my life along the way. Then that led me to think about the very nature of seeds. And here is what I have learned. 

1. Not all seeds will produce what they were intended to produce immediately. 

A seed, once planted, takes some time to germinate. It must be watered and fed on a daily basis. Some seeds can sprout within a few days but more tend to sprout over a longer period of time. Why is this? Why don't all seeds germinate in the same length of time? When a seed is planted and watered it takes some time for the water and nutrients to work their way through the outer shell and into that portion of the seed that needs to activate. For some seeds with a soft shell the activation may happen sooner while harder shells may take a little while longer.

2. A seed must be planted in the right soil

Surrounded by bad soil, seeds may never grow. If they do grow the end result will usually wither and die. Surrounded by good soil a seed can grow and even flourish. 

What is planted in our hearts can be the same way. If we build up walls around our hearts like a thick shell we may keep the bad out but we also keep the good from reaching what God intended to grow there. 

3. Some seeds can be crushed but that doesn't mean they are useless

Sometimes a heart is broken and what's inside is exposed to a number of things. Some can be good. Some are not so healthy. If the unhealthy reaches the inside first, what grows will not be pretty and it will eventually die. But if it is exposed to good then something healthy can grow. But what if what has happened is so bad that the shell around your heart becomes too thick for anything to get through?  How can anything grow when the hurt has been so great that we would never consider letting the walls down?

4. Sometimes, even through the toughest shell, life can happen suddenly

When it comes to gardening there is a solution to the problem of getting a seed to produce quickly. Using a process called seed scarification the shells of the seeds can be shaved, sanded, or clipped to allow the nutrients to get to the heart of the seed more quickly. 

I believe sometimes God has to shave, sand, or clip our shells to get through to us. The blessings He has for you may not occur until after the pain has. It didn't for Job.

Would you consider letting God shave away that part of you that you have built up to keep the pain away?  What if He already has? Can you make a point of letting the  heart of your seed be exposed to all of that around you? Try it? Ask God to whittle away the bad and expose the heart to that which is good. When you do, you will be surprised at what can quickly sprout up from your heart.

I know I am. 

If only we had waited

After an emotional days this week that centered around cleaning out my wife's closet I had a discussion with a friend. The question came up that essentially focused on when too much is too much. Having suffered through the tragedies I have had to face, it is quite tempting to say that enough is enough. After all, how much is a man supposed to endure? 

The discussion turned to the book of Job. During the time of his testing Job never turned his back on God. He continued to believe even though his closest friends told him he was cursed by God. After all, hadn't God indeed cursed him? Hadn't God taken everything from Job? Didn't Job have every right to be angry with God? Yes. Yes he did. And was he angry with God? Yes he was. Was he wrong to be angry? No. Was he wrong to be angry at God? Again I think not. Was it good for him to be angry? Absolutely not. “Because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” James 1:20

However, God did not punish Job for his anger. Why not? Well the first and most obvious answer was that God had allowed Job to go through so much already that punishing him would have been unjust. Secondly, throughout the trials Job went through he did not sin. Ephesians 4:26 tells us: “"In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are angry."

So why did Job go through all that he went through. As I told my friend, personally I believe we go through trials for three reasons. 1.) The wages of sin is death. We reap what we sow. 2.) Satan attacks us unmercifully in an attempt to get us to take our eyes off of God. 3.) God allows us to go through things to help us grow and to be a witness for Him. And I don't think we are limited to just one of the three. I think at times we can have big ole heaping doses of all three at once!

We are always being selfish. Grief is a selfish emotion. But it is an emotion that God gives us and he knows what grief is like. When he heard that his friend Lazarus had died, he wept. It grieves his heart when we are in pain. He holds our tears in his hand. Let's look again at Job. He complained (something many people forget) but He never blames God. He asks God to take him and remove him from his pain but imagine if God had removed him from his pain. But what if God had answered his prayer? What if God had said that Job had gone through too much to ever be able to recover and just called him home?

The final chapter of Job shows us that God restored to him in greater measure all that he lost. But it does not tell us the timeline. That restoration may have begun immediately or several years later. Regardless, God rewarded Job's faithfulness. But if God had answered Job's prayer and taken him home he would never had the opportunity to experience the reward God had in store for him here on earth. 

If you read carefully you will find that the Lord didn't restore things to Job until after Job had prayed for forgiveness for his friend's folly. Even in his lowest moment Job put the needs of his friend's first by praying for God to forgive them. This has been, is, and always will be my goal. Put other's needs first and pray for them. My prayer for me? May God bless me with the wisdom to recognize when opportunities to be a blessing pop up. 

I don't pretend to have it all together. I don't call my blog the Life of the Perpetual Overcomer for no reason. Every day is a struggle. Some days greater than others. But my prayer is that God will be able to use my story to help others much as he used Job's story. My restoration may not happen this side of heaven and I'm perfectly okay with that. I'd rather store up my treasures elsewhere anyway. But restoration will occur in spite of my sin and in spite of how many times I let the Lord down. And that restoration may start tomorrow. So, tomorrow I will get up. I will make my bed. I will start my day because tomorrow could be the day...perpetually.   

Find out what it means to me

Respect. There are three ways to get respect from someone. Each one will give you a different type of respect. How you can best use that respect should go a long way in determining how you get that respect.

Earn it. When you earn someone's respect it is not done immediately. Respect that is earned is done so over time. Respect that is earned goes deeper than any other respect. Respect that is earned does not wear out over time. Nick Saban, whether you like him or not, has earned the respect of other college coaches, teams, and even fans. He doesn't win every game but, even if he loses one or even two games in a year you don't hear people yelling for his job. He earned respect by being consistent over the years. Players want to play for him regardless of where he coaches. He recognizes that respect is not a one time thing. Instead it is a lifelong feeling that will one day march him into hall of fame. Earned respect means that making a mistake occasionally is somewhat acceptable. No one demands that you be perfect. They may hope you are, but even when you aren't, the respect doesn't wane. 

Command it. Commanding someone's respect is a little different. Respect that is commanded is usually done in an authoritative manner when developing that respect takes more time than you have in a particular situation. Commanding respect can be seen when you explain to a person why you need something done in a particular time or manner. Ordering your food prepared a certain way can be an example of respect that is commanded. By telling your server that you want your steak well done you are commanding respect of that server as a customer. You are about to spend your money with them. You worked hard for that money. You should get what you pay for and nothing less. When you are commanding respect of someone in the right way you can find yourself getting even more than you expected. When you command respect in the wrong way then you will be fortunate to not receive an over cooked piece of jerky. The only thing worse than poorly commanded respect is the third way. 

Demand it. Demanding respect, while it is needed on very rare occasions, is the worst way to get respect. Respect that is demanded is the shallowest form of respect you will receive. It is fleeting at best. Demand respect of someone one time you may get what you asked for. Demanding respect of someone continually ensures you will either not get what you want or get more than you bargained for. The dictator of a small country may demand respect from his larger enemy but he shouldn't expect it. A boss who demands respect from her employees will find that she not only fails to get that respect but also has made earning or even commanding respect almost impossible. Employees will never respect someone who demands something of them that they are not given themselves. And any boss who demands respect is not really showing respect to the employees. 

Respect. To get it you must give it. Earn it when you can; command it when you must; and never try to demand it. 

I've had enough!

Sometimes i am weak and need help. Other times I can toss down my crutches and run relatively carefree. The latter of those times has become fewer and fewer the longer I live. I long for the days when I can run, laugh, and jump for joy. Where I can laugh at what life brings. The more I focus on my future with my King and my girls the better. But some days that isn't enough. In fact, some days it's never enough and that overwhelms me. Today was one of those days. So rather than regale you with a wonderful story or tips on how to overcome I just want you to see that we all struggle some times. But there is joy in knowing what waits for us on the other side. 

I wish I had been enough.

Enough to have handled all that life threw at you. 

Enough to have held you above the rising tides. 

Enough to protect you from the harshness of being. 

I wish I had been enough. 

Enough to help you through the loss

Enough to remove all the pain and tears. 

Enough to bring you the joy.

I wish I had been enough.

Enough smiles in times of trouble.

Enough strength to carry us both.

Enough faith to bring you your miracle.

I wish I had been enough.

Enough reason to fight.

Enough reason to live.

Enough reason to stay.

I wish I could be enough.

Strong enough to fight alone.

Brave enough to live for you.

Bold enough to live for Him.

I am not enough.

Enough of a man to keep from crying.

Enough of a man to keep on trying.

Enough of a man to keep on fighting.

I want to be enough.

Enough to bring joy.

Enough to stand strong against the tides.

Enough for someone to love. 

I'll never be enough. 

Enough on my own.

Enough to save myself.

Enough without Him.

He is my enough.

Enough strength to bring strength to my weakness.

Enough grace to wash over my sins.

Enough love to help me...

Be enough. 

Somebody needs a nap

If you have read through the Holy Bible at anytime in your life you have probably read the Easter story. Not just the crucifixion but also the moments that led up to it. Let's go back a little bit and recall with me the events that took place as Jesus prayed at the Mount of Olives. Luke 22:39 tells us that Christ went to his usual place to pray. In verse 40 he told the disciples to pray that they not fall into temptation. He left the disciples and prayed. When he returned he found the disciples asleep. But why were they asleep? I'll get back to that in a moment. 

"Someone needs a nap." Each of us that has spent any time at all with children has probably uttered these words. We say it when a child gets cranky, unruly, or sometimes downright mean. And, usually, once the child quits fighting it and falls asleep they wake up in a better mood. Usually. 

I believe that when we get tired we all tend to pull the emotions from deep inside and place them on our sleeves. We say things without thinking or regard to who it might hurt. We figure, if I'm hurt then I might as well take some others down with me. We also find ourselves hurt much more easily when we are tired. We no longer have the strength to fight away the temptation to lash out at someone's insensitivity. 

This holds true for me on times when I have been fighting a cold or some other such malady. I get tired and cranky and then the emotions bubble out of me. The little things that piled up just come crashing down on me in a big heap. I have learned that it is best if I find myself alone when I am exhausted. But what I once never understood was why I got so tired so easily. That was until I read the scripture. And I encourage you to read from Luke 22:39- 46. When you read that tell me why He found the disciples asleep. Was it because they knew Christ was long winded when praying? Was it because they had put in such a long day getting ready for the Last Supper? No. The scripture tells us why they were asleep. And, regardless of the times I read it over the years, it never struck home until this last grief event. 

This week I found myself coming home one evening after having dinner with some of my in-laws after work. I did enjoy my time with them but this cold I am fighting and grief have just worn me out. For this reason I found myself in an emotional edge. So, while preparing for an upcoming Financial Peace University I watched a couple of the FPU videos and suddenly found myself a sobbing mess. I watched the joy of individuals and families as they screamed that they were debt free. I wanted to scream along with them but I couldn't. Why? Not because I'm not debt free, because I am. I couldn't scream because I didn't get there on my own. As a matter of fact I probably wouldn't be there at all if it were not for my wife. And therein lies the rub. Reaching a goal as monumental as debt freedom doesn't carry the joy it would have if I could have screamed it with the woman who got us there. 

Grief is tough to shoulder alone. But sometimes joy can be just as tough. Being alone, no matter what the reason, eliminates the opportunity to turn and yell as Tom Hanks did in Castaway, "I have made fire!" Being tired can make you feel like giving up. It would be so much easier to give in to your emotions. To give in to sin. Which is why Christ told the disciples to stay and pray that they would not fall into temptation. 

Fall into temptation. Isn't that an interesting twist of words? Why didn't he say "give in to temptation?" I believe it means that some temptation sneaks up on us. I imagine a pit hidden along the jungle trail. We don't see it and we fall into it because we let our guard down. How did we not see that temptation? Perhaps it is because we were tired. How do we keep from falling into temptation? By following the instruction of Christ. Pray. 

Is this what I do every time? How do I personally keep from falling into temptations? I don't. I fall. Not every time. But occasionally I still fall. Sometimes I fall heavily. But I serve a God that forgives and forgets. I sure wish I could do that as easily as He does. 

Perhaps I need a nap. 

10 Things I Learned in 2015

I've taken some time lately to go over my previous blogs. While writing has always been cathartic to me, revisiting what I have written helps me to see how I've progressed on this journey of grief. Some of the things that I journaled have proven to be 100% true - now and forever. But some of what I wrote was only true for the season. It seems that the closer you are to your grief event the harder it is to see down the road. Grief makes myopes of us all. But in retrospect let me share what I have learned in hopes that you too can recognize your progression from whatever grief event you may have encountered. 

1. We all grieve differently. While this is true, there are many similarities in the way we grieve. We may go through the stages of grief for some events more quickly than others. Grief turns you into an expert... on your own grief. But just because you can work through a grief event faster than the next person doesn't mean that you loved the person you lost any less than another griever. And just because it takes you longer doesn't mean you loved that person any more than them either. 

2. Tsunamis of grief will always overtake you. Even years down the road. Out of nowhere a tremor below the surface creates a wave that will seemingly crush you. And there is nothing you can do to escape. But you can learn to ride it out. You can learn how to distance yourself from some of the triggers. But, when that tsunami does engulf you just hold your breath. You will get through it. 

3. Angry Me still exists, he just doesn't have as much of a say so as he did from the beginning. For those of you who are new to my blog, Angry Me is that part of me that is so hurt that he becomes selfish. He doesn't care about your pain. He doesn't care about what might be the right thing to do. He only cares about what will bring him joy, or lessen the grief at that moment. Angry Me does stupid stuff. Angry Me lashes out at people for not being caring enough to stay in constant contact. Angry Me doesn't care if you have your own life. Angry Me is all about Angry Me. And when Angry Me shows up you have a decision to make. You can choose to let him take over and win the day or you can choose to put him in his place. How you do that takes some time to learn. In the first days Angry Me always wins. Eventually you win a battle or two. And later you learn how to channel Angry Me into something productive. Exercise is a good way to channel. I recall the scene from Forrest Gump where Jenny left Forrest early one morning. When he woke up he didn't know what to do. So he ran. Sometimes a little exercise can exorcise those little Angry Me devils. 

4. Things and people will show up in your life. Sometimes just when you need them. Sometimes at the worst possible moment. Angry Me has a tendency to invite a lot of the latter into your life! The toughest part is recognizing whether those things or people are good for you or not. Which brings me to my next point. 

5. Craters form where your loved one once stood. In a previous blog I wrote about how when a grief event occurs it is like the creation of a crater. That crater can be large or small but it's there. It's that huge gaping wound in your heart. Once that crater appears it wipes out what you lost and immediately replaces it with grief. Your journey will not be about replacing your loved one. No one knows better than you that your loved one is no longer there. What is there now is grief and you have to focus on replacing that grief. Too many times I have seen people replace that grief with the wrong thing or person. I've done it myself. But if you can learn to replace that grief with things that will build you up and, more importantly, with God who will show you how to plant the right things, then you can win this battle over grief. This is an excellent time to surround yourself with friends that you really trust to be sure that what is planted in that hole in your heart is something that won't need to be ripped out again. 

6. Sharing your grief is tough. I hate to burden others with my grief. But finding an outlet for your grief is crucial. My outlet has been writing. This modest size house I live in became larger at the loss of my child. It became a huge empty mansion at the loss of my wife. Writing made me feel like I had someone to talk to. Even when I didn't post what I wrote as a blog but just kept it as a journal entry. So, find someone who will cry with you. Someone who will not judge you for your bad days but will encourage you just by their presence. And, if you can't find someone to share with then keep a journal. Bitterness can creep in if you aren't careful and social media can become a poor outlet if your bitterness oozes out onto your Facebook page. The more bitter you are in your posts on social media the more people want to distance themselves from you. 

7. Faith will get you through it...but it certainly helps if you have a friend to walk with you. Or, better yet, friends. People are going to constantly bombard you with well meaning scripture but, especially close to the grief event, those scriptures don't hold you at night. They don't snuggle up on the couch with you. You can't touch them. If anything, and I'm being brutally honest and transparent here, they can make you feel worse. It's like that person, no matter their intentions, is saying that if you had enough faith you could get through this. Personally I didn't find the scriptures thrown at me to be comforting. But before you ask for my Christian Card back, let me say that what I found comforting was people around me who lived out the scriptures. I needed those people who could be the arms of Jesus. That could weep with me rather than tell me how I'm supposed to get over losing the biggest part of my life here on earth. 

8. Time will speed by so slowly. You don't know how you are going to get through a day when suddenly it has been a week. After a year the wounds are so fresh that it seems like yesterday that your grief event happened and yet it seems like you have lived an eternity without your loved one in your life. I lost my child over seven years before losing my spouse. But it seems as if I've grieved for them both equally long. Now that it has been 18 months since I last spoke with my wife (I've spoken TO her several times since she left), and almost nine years since my daughter crossed that finish line first, I can tell you that the hurt seems like yesterday but the missing them has been decades long. The one thing about time as we know it here on this earth is that it is moving me progressively toward my reunion with them!

9. It's okay to laugh. My joy comes from the Lord. My happiness comes from within. I've always enjoyed a good laugh. Laughter is like a medicine. Your loved one no longer lives on this earth. But you do. They didn't take your life with them (even though it feels they did) so you have to go to school and learn all over the three L's. Learn to live. Learn to laugh. Learn to love.

10. Your life will never be the same. But you can choose to let the changes you go through be positive changes. You can choose to let your experience be there to help others when they need it. You can choose to live a better life in their honor. Most importantly you can choose to tell the whole world about how great your loved one was and how important it is for us to tell our loved ones how we feel about them. Equally important is to allow what you have experienced to let you see how trivial most of life's problems really are. Those things that stress you most suddenly pale in comparison to what you have endured so far. It is all downhill from now. As I told a friend recently, you can say what you want, it can't hurt me any more than I have already been hurt. 

My retrospective look may mean nothing to you. Or it may bring back memories of your own grief event and let you see how far you have come. Just remember that it is a journey so no matter whether you are on day one or day 10,000, keep walking. We will eventually get to cross that finish line. And what a glorious reunion it will be.