Find out what it means to me

Respect. There are three ways to get respect from someone. Each one will give you a different type of respect. How you can best use that respect should go a long way in determining how you get that respect.

Earn it. When you earn someone's respect it is not done immediately. Respect that is earned is done so over time. Respect that is earned goes deeper than any other respect. Respect that is earned does not wear out over time. Nick Saban, whether you like him or not, has earned the respect of other college coaches, teams, and even fans. He doesn't win every game but, even if he loses one or even two games in a year you don't hear people yelling for his job. He earned respect by being consistent over the years. Players want to play for him regardless of where he coaches. He recognizes that respect is not a one time thing. Instead it is a lifelong feeling that will one day march him into hall of fame. Earned respect means that making a mistake occasionally is somewhat acceptable. No one demands that you be perfect. They may hope you are, but even when you aren't, the respect doesn't wane. 

Command it. Commanding someone's respect is a little different. Respect that is commanded is usually done in an authoritative manner when developing that respect takes more time than you have in a particular situation. Commanding respect can be seen when you explain to a person why you need something done in a particular time or manner. Ordering your food prepared a certain way can be an example of respect that is commanded. By telling your server that you want your steak well done you are commanding respect of that server as a customer. You are about to spend your money with them. You worked hard for that money. You should get what you pay for and nothing less. When you are commanding respect of someone in the right way you can find yourself getting even more than you expected. When you command respect in the wrong way then you will be fortunate to not receive an over cooked piece of jerky. The only thing worse than poorly commanded respect is the third way. 

Demand it. Demanding respect, while it is needed on very rare occasions, is the worst way to get respect. Respect that is demanded is the shallowest form of respect you will receive. It is fleeting at best. Demand respect of someone one time you may get what you asked for. Demanding respect of someone continually ensures you will either not get what you want or get more than you bargained for. The dictator of a small country may demand respect from his larger enemy but he shouldn't expect it. A boss who demands respect from her employees will find that she not only fails to get that respect but also has made earning or even commanding respect almost impossible. Employees will never respect someone who demands something of them that they are not given themselves. And any boss who demands respect is not really showing respect to the employees. 

Respect. To get it you must give it. Earn it when you can; command it when you must; and never try to demand it. 

I've had enough!

Sometimes i am weak and need help. Other times I can toss down my crutches and run relatively carefree. The latter of those times has become fewer and fewer the longer I live. I long for the days when I can run, laugh, and jump for joy. Where I can laugh at what life brings. The more I focus on my future with my King and my girls the better. But some days that isn't enough. In fact, some days it's never enough and that overwhelms me. Today was one of those days. So rather than regale you with a wonderful story or tips on how to overcome I just want you to see that we all struggle some times. But there is joy in knowing what waits for us on the other side. 

I wish I had been enough.

Enough to have handled all that life threw at you. 

Enough to have held you above the rising tides. 

Enough to protect you from the harshness of being. 

I wish I had been enough. 

Enough to help you through the loss

Enough to remove all the pain and tears. 

Enough to bring you the joy.

I wish I had been enough.

Enough smiles in times of trouble.

Enough strength to carry us both.

Enough faith to bring you your miracle.

I wish I had been enough.

Enough reason to fight.

Enough reason to live.

Enough reason to stay.

I wish I could be enough.

Strong enough to fight alone.

Brave enough to live for you.

Bold enough to live for Him.

I am not enough.

Enough of a man to keep from crying.

Enough of a man to keep on trying.

Enough of a man to keep on fighting.

I want to be enough.

Enough to bring joy.

Enough to stand strong against the tides.

Enough for someone to love. 

I'll never be enough. 

Enough on my own.

Enough to save myself.

Enough without Him.

He is my enough.

Enough strength to bring strength to my weakness.

Enough grace to wash over my sins.

Enough love to help me...

Be enough. 

Somebody needs a nap

If you have read through the Holy Bible at anytime in your life you have probably read the Easter story. Not just the crucifixion but also the moments that led up to it. Let's go back a little bit and recall with me the events that took place as Jesus prayed at the Mount of Olives. Luke 22:39 tells us that Christ went to his usual place to pray. In verse 40 he told the disciples to pray that they not fall into temptation. He left the disciples and prayed. When he returned he found the disciples asleep. But why were they asleep? I'll get back to that in a moment. 

"Someone needs a nap." Each of us that has spent any time at all with children has probably uttered these words. We say it when a child gets cranky, unruly, or sometimes downright mean. And, usually, once the child quits fighting it and falls asleep they wake up in a better mood. Usually. 

I believe that when we get tired we all tend to pull the emotions from deep inside and place them on our sleeves. We say things without thinking or regard to who it might hurt. We figure, if I'm hurt then I might as well take some others down with me. We also find ourselves hurt much more easily when we are tired. We no longer have the strength to fight away the temptation to lash out at someone's insensitivity. 

This holds true for me on times when I have been fighting a cold or some other such malady. I get tired and cranky and then the emotions bubble out of me. The little things that piled up just come crashing down on me in a big heap. I have learned that it is best if I find myself alone when I am exhausted. But what I once never understood was why I got so tired so easily. That was until I read the scripture. And I encourage you to read from Luke 22:39- 46. When you read that tell me why He found the disciples asleep. Was it because they knew Christ was long winded when praying? Was it because they had put in such a long day getting ready for the Last Supper? No. The scripture tells us why they were asleep. And, regardless of the times I read it over the years, it never struck home until this last grief event. 

This week I found myself coming home one evening after having dinner with some of my in-laws after work. I did enjoy my time with them but this cold I am fighting and grief have just worn me out. For this reason I found myself in an emotional edge. So, while preparing for an upcoming Financial Peace University I watched a couple of the FPU videos and suddenly found myself a sobbing mess. I watched the joy of individuals and families as they screamed that they were debt free. I wanted to scream along with them but I couldn't. Why? Not because I'm not debt free, because I am. I couldn't scream because I didn't get there on my own. As a matter of fact I probably wouldn't be there at all if it were not for my wife. And therein lies the rub. Reaching a goal as monumental as debt freedom doesn't carry the joy it would have if I could have screamed it with the woman who got us there. 

Grief is tough to shoulder alone. But sometimes joy can be just as tough. Being alone, no matter what the reason, eliminates the opportunity to turn and yell as Tom Hanks did in Castaway, "I have made fire!" Being tired can make you feel like giving up. It would be so much easier to give in to your emotions. To give in to sin. Which is why Christ told the disciples to stay and pray that they would not fall into temptation. 

Fall into temptation. Isn't that an interesting twist of words? Why didn't he say "give in to temptation?" I believe it means that some temptation sneaks up on us. I imagine a pit hidden along the jungle trail. We don't see it and we fall into it because we let our guard down. How did we not see that temptation? Perhaps it is because we were tired. How do we keep from falling into temptation? By following the instruction of Christ. Pray. 

Is this what I do every time? How do I personally keep from falling into temptations? I don't. I fall. Not every time. But occasionally I still fall. Sometimes I fall heavily. But I serve a God that forgives and forgets. I sure wish I could do that as easily as He does. 

Perhaps I need a nap. 

10 Things I Learned in 2015

I've taken some time lately to go over my previous blogs. While writing has always been cathartic to me, revisiting what I have written helps me to see how I've progressed on this journey of grief. Some of the things that I journaled have proven to be 100% true - now and forever. But some of what I wrote was only true for the season. It seems that the closer you are to your grief event the harder it is to see down the road. Grief makes myopes of us all. But in retrospect let me share what I have learned in hopes that you too can recognize your progression from whatever grief event you may have encountered. 

1. We all grieve differently. While this is true, there are many similarities in the way we grieve. We may go through the stages of grief for some events more quickly than others. Grief turns you into an expert... on your own grief. But just because you can work through a grief event faster than the next person doesn't mean that you loved the person you lost any less than another griever. And just because it takes you longer doesn't mean you loved that person any more than them either. 

2. Tsunamis of grief will always overtake you. Even years down the road. Out of nowhere a tremor below the surface creates a wave that will seemingly crush you. And there is nothing you can do to escape. But you can learn to ride it out. You can learn how to distance yourself from some of the triggers. But, when that tsunami does engulf you just hold your breath. You will get through it. 

3. Angry Me still exists, he just doesn't have as much of a say so as he did from the beginning. For those of you who are new to my blog, Angry Me is that part of me that is so hurt that he becomes selfish. He doesn't care about your pain. He doesn't care about what might be the right thing to do. He only cares about what will bring him joy, or lessen the grief at that moment. Angry Me does stupid stuff. Angry Me lashes out at people for not being caring enough to stay in constant contact. Angry Me doesn't care if you have your own life. Angry Me is all about Angry Me. And when Angry Me shows up you have a decision to make. You can choose to let him take over and win the day or you can choose to put him in his place. How you do that takes some time to learn. In the first days Angry Me always wins. Eventually you win a battle or two. And later you learn how to channel Angry Me into something productive. Exercise is a good way to channel. I recall the scene from Forrest Gump where Jenny left Forrest early one morning. When he woke up he didn't know what to do. So he ran. Sometimes a little exercise can exorcise those little Angry Me devils. 

4. Things and people will show up in your life. Sometimes just when you need them. Sometimes at the worst possible moment. Angry Me has a tendency to invite a lot of the latter into your life! The toughest part is recognizing whether those things or people are good for you or not. Which brings me to my next point. 

5. Craters form where your loved one once stood. In a previous blog I wrote about how when a grief event occurs it is like the creation of a crater. That crater can be large or small but it's there. It's that huge gaping wound in your heart. Once that crater appears it wipes out what you lost and immediately replaces it with grief. Your journey will not be about replacing your loved one. No one knows better than you that your loved one is no longer there. What is there now is grief and you have to focus on replacing that grief. Too many times I have seen people replace that grief with the wrong thing or person. I've done it myself. But if you can learn to replace that grief with things that will build you up and, more importantly, with God who will show you how to plant the right things, then you can win this battle over grief. This is an excellent time to surround yourself with friends that you really trust to be sure that what is planted in that hole in your heart is something that won't need to be ripped out again. 

6. Sharing your grief is tough. I hate to burden others with my grief. But finding an outlet for your grief is crucial. My outlet has been writing. This modest size house I live in became larger at the loss of my child. It became a huge empty mansion at the loss of my wife. Writing made me feel like I had someone to talk to. Even when I didn't post what I wrote as a blog but just kept it as a journal entry. So, find someone who will cry with you. Someone who will not judge you for your bad days but will encourage you just by their presence. And, if you can't find someone to share with then keep a journal. Bitterness can creep in if you aren't careful and social media can become a poor outlet if your bitterness oozes out onto your Facebook page. The more bitter you are in your posts on social media the more people want to distance themselves from you. 

7. Faith will get you through it...but it certainly helps if you have a friend to walk with you. Or, better yet, friends. People are going to constantly bombard you with well meaning scripture but, especially close to the grief event, those scriptures don't hold you at night. They don't snuggle up on the couch with you. You can't touch them. If anything, and I'm being brutally honest and transparent here, they can make you feel worse. It's like that person, no matter their intentions, is saying that if you had enough faith you could get through this. Personally I didn't find the scriptures thrown at me to be comforting. But before you ask for my Christian Card back, let me say that what I found comforting was people around me who lived out the scriptures. I needed those people who could be the arms of Jesus. That could weep with me rather than tell me how I'm supposed to get over losing the biggest part of my life here on earth. 

8. Time will speed by so slowly. You don't know how you are going to get through a day when suddenly it has been a week. After a year the wounds are so fresh that it seems like yesterday that your grief event happened and yet it seems like you have lived an eternity without your loved one in your life. I lost my child over seven years before losing my spouse. But it seems as if I've grieved for them both equally long. Now that it has been 18 months since I last spoke with my wife (I've spoken TO her several times since she left), and almost nine years since my daughter crossed that finish line first, I can tell you that the hurt seems like yesterday but the missing them has been decades long. The one thing about time as we know it here on this earth is that it is moving me progressively toward my reunion with them!

9. It's okay to laugh. My joy comes from the Lord. My happiness comes from within. I've always enjoyed a good laugh. Laughter is like a medicine. Your loved one no longer lives on this earth. But you do. They didn't take your life with them (even though it feels they did) so you have to go to school and learn all over the three L's. Learn to live. Learn to laugh. Learn to love.

10. Your life will never be the same. But you can choose to let the changes you go through be positive changes. You can choose to let your experience be there to help others when they need it. You can choose to live a better life in their honor. Most importantly you can choose to tell the whole world about how great your loved one was and how important it is for us to tell our loved ones how we feel about them. Equally important is to allow what you have experienced to let you see how trivial most of life's problems really are. Those things that stress you most suddenly pale in comparison to what you have endured so far. It is all downhill from now. As I told a friend recently, you can say what you want, it can't hurt me any more than I have already been hurt. 

My retrospective look may mean nothing to you. Or it may bring back memories of your own grief event and let you see how far you have come. Just remember that it is a journey so no matter whether you are on day one or day 10,000, keep walking. We will eventually get to cross that finish line. And what a glorious reunion it will be.