Happy Birthday to Her

"Don't weep for me when I'm gone
Those who knew me know full well that in love and in laughter I lived as a prince
And in my heart of hearts, I served my calling
waiting for this time to come, when I would see my king"

Lyrics from Requiem for the Living by the Christian group Allies echo through my soul this morning. Today my late wife spends another birthday in heaven with our daughter and the children who never got to breathe the air of earth. Today she celebrates with our King, the King of Kings. And today finds me in a better place than I was during previous birthdays. I often wondered how people move on with their lives when their purpose for breathing is gone. For me it was extremely difficult. I would live my life as full as I possibly could during the days and sob myself to sleep at night. Nothing could replace this gift that God had given me. He knew exactly what He was doing when He put her in my life. He knew she would fill in the gaps of my weaknesses and help me to be a better servant. She was a perfect fit and nothing would ever be able to fill that spot... but in the words of the great Lee Corso, "Not so fast my friend."

When the rib was pulled from the body of Adam to make his bride it left a gap, a longing to be complete again. When Wanda was ripped from my side it took more than rib, it took most of what was left of my heart. And, as with Adam, it left a longing to be complete again. I truly believed that I would find happiness again - but only when I reached heaven and got to see my King of Kings. As with Adam, He knows that we need to be complete. Sometimes we can find that completeness only in Him. And sometimes He finds that one to fill that gap that fits perfectly.

When we are in pain we often tend to self medicate. Why go see the doctor when you have leftover medicine from your last visit six years ago? And, when we treat ourselves versus seeing a physician we often make things worse because we are not truly skilled in the art of diagnosis and treatment. Pain in our heart is the same way. We would rather try to fix it on our own versus seeing the Great Physician. During the time after having my insides torn from me, I tried a number of home remedies. While some of those remedies bandaged nicely, they were not what the Physician recommended. It wasn't until I totally turned the healing over to Him that I got prescribed the most wonderful cure imaginable.

So, here I sit, facing yet another year of celebrating my late wife's birthday without her. Feelings tumble in my mind as I alternate between feeling the loss of that love in my life, feeling the joy that comes from the new love in my life, to feeling of guilt for feeling either. This is gut level honesty here my dear reader. This is something you don't understand if you haven't been there yourself. Even stranger yet, this is something you don't understand if you HAVE been yourself.

Today I am complete again. The hole that was in my heart was larger than I realized. Thinking back again to the medical, when a wound is repaired by a physician the hole isn't simply sewn up. First the dead tissue around the would must be excised. I thought the hole in my heart was all that needed to be filled. So I looked for something to fit that hole. But the Great Physician knew better. He increased the size and changed the shape of the hole by removing the dead tissue that surrounded it first. Then he found the perfect fit for the new hole.

Perhaps that is what needs to happen in your life. And perhaps that surgery will be multi-faceted and take a long time to achieve. And perhaps that only thing that will fit that hole is the Great Physician Himself. Since I cannot give her a gift, I pray that God will give you that gift on Wanda's birthday and make this Christmas the best in years.

Merry Christmas and Happy birthday in Heaven to my Wanda where you get to spend it with your King of Kings - the greatest gift of all.

Away beyond the manger

During this time of year we recall the story laid out for us so well in Luke Chapter 2. We think of sweet baby Jesus laying in a manger. And we always think of Jesus as this cherubic blonde headed, blue-eyed baby lying quietly on a soft bed of hay. But I’m sure that was not the case. There is a very real possibility that baby Jesus came into this world with dark skin and brown eyes. He was most definitely covered in afterbirth, umbilical cord still attached as they used whatever rudimentary tools they had on hand to take care of cleaning him and making him presentable to the world. And I’m sure Mary must have wondered during the weeks of morning sickness and the pain of childbirth that surely Christ was not supposed to enter the world this way. But he had to. He had to suffer the all things this world presented him.

But, before you go to thinking I have just ruined the picture of Christmas for you I ask you to picture this. This precious child lying in a manger as the angels form a line from heaven to earth to see God’s only begotten son. I can imagine them standing over him with tears in their angel eyes and smiles on their Angel faces brighter than the stars above. I imagine them hovered around him with excited angel whispers about their king. Each stretching to see over the other to see God come to earth.

This is the picture that got me to thinking, who did he look like? He had to have his mother’s features but what about his father? He couldn’t look like Joseph. Did people look at him and say how much he looks like his mom? And what about as he grew?

As we watch our own children grow we see them change in appearance. Some days looking more like mom and other days like dad. And this line of reasoning got me to thinking of how we are all sons and daughters of our Lord. And while I carry features from both biological parents, is that what I want people to see?

Lord forgive me when people look at me and don’t say that I look more and more like my Heavenly Father every day. And please help me to reflect you on a daily basis so that when I finally cross through those pearly gates no ID is required because I want them to look at me and immediately know that I am related to you. That I am your child. That I look just like you.

Turning WHY into why

I remember when I turned the corner. When I had the chance to actually see what was in my future and make steps to get there. I didn't run to my future. I limped along. But I was moving forward at least. 

Shortly after losing my daughter I was attending a concert. The band was a Christian band and I'm sure they were good, but I couldn't tell you who all was there. I was lost in the fog. Not the fog generated by the machines on stage, but in a mental fog. A grief cloud hung over me and nothing was burning it off.  So right there in the middle of the concert I bowed my head and prayed a prayer that I had prayed before. But this time it was different. 

When we face trials in life we often tend to ask God, why. Why me Lord? Why are you putting me through this? Most often it is a scream. WHY??? That was my prayer from the day that we took our daughter to the hospital and walked out without her. It was my prayer at the concert. But this time I asked God a little differently. I asked Him why, but I asked Him from my heart. I knew there had to be a reason. This time my WHY was really a question and not just a heart's cry. I asked God to please show me what the good was that was supposed to come out of this tragedy. I wanted to know how He could use this to help me and help others. So, instead of a scream, I simply whispered, why. 

Acts 2:17 says, "In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams." I don't consider myself a young man by any stretch of the imagination nor do I think we are truly in the last days. But I do believe that God can send down His Spirit. That evening, in the middle of the concert, He did. I saw a vision just as clear as the device you are reading this on. And this was my vision:

I was walking on the second floor hall of what I can only describe as some sort of temple. The floor was made of gray stone and the walls of a beige color. Much like the stucco walls you see on a number of buildings these days. To my right were rooms with no doors, simply doorways. To my left were archways which allowed someone to see from the second floor into the courtyard of the floor below. Each of the archways were covered by a thick curtain that blocked the view. Walking beside me was Jesus and we were having a conversation. I'm not sure what we talked about before then but I remember the conversation led toward my asking Him what He wanted out of this. Well, I had that thought in my head, but what actually came out of my mouth was, "Why?" Jesus looked at me with compassion and said, "You want to know why? Let me show you why." Then He took me over to the archway and pulled the curtain back. He pointed to the floor below. It was filled with hundreds of people. Praises were being sung and hands were lifted. Then He looked at me and said, "You want to know why? That is why." I was confused and looked at Him. "I don't understand." Then He said, "Do you see those people down there? Every single one of them is here, in Heaven, worshipping God, because of Beth." He went on to explain that what I had gone through and my sharing her story led to each of those people getting to experience a relationship with Christ. Some of them directly. Most of them indirectly. 

I recently had the opportunity to talk to a group of young men about facing tragedy and maintaining the faith. I don't do what I do because I'm strong. Quite the opposite. I am weak. But in my weakness He is made strong. At the end of my talk with these gentlemen I asked them to imagine themselves there as I walked and talked with Christ. Then I asked them, are you one of the hundreds? Or, by telling this story, could you be responsible for one of the hundreds. What about you, my dear reader? Where do you see yourself? Are you looking down at the faces below and recognizing a few of them? Or are you looking up and seeing me and Jesus in the opening?

I have a new question why now. Why did God choose to bless me with this opportunity? A friend asked me if I had to do it all over again would I be able to do it. Was it worth it? For me, regardless of the pain,it will be. It has to be. This time we have here on this earth is so minute compared to eternity. I will get to see Beth and I will get to see Wanda again. And, thanks to my Beth and her mom and being able to share our story, so will thousands of others. 

I now question God about the blessings He has given me, a filthy sinner. I do not deserve to be a husband again. I don't deserve to be a part of a family like I am now. I didn't deserve to be blessed with a second love of my life. But I have been. And I wake up every day and thank God for his grace. 

Each of us has the potential to have our own courtyard full of people. And each of those people could have their own courtyard. Exponentially we can all make an eternal difference for the Kingdom of Heaven. 

We just have to let God turn our WHY into why. 

Put Me In Coach

The last time I took such a long break in my blog entries it was for the worst of reasons. I was at the lowest point of my life and had no one to share with but my readers. Just as I had learned to hit the fastball after all of these years, life threw me a curve and, not only did I go down swinging, I looked foolish doing it. So I went through a stretch where I just refused to step up to the plate. Sure, I found myself in the on deck circle with plenty of opportunities to move into the batters box, but I never felt like I was ready. Then my name was announced and they began to play my walk-up song. At the time that song was Toby Mac's song Move (Keep Walking). I was motivated. I was determined. And I knew I could hit the curve. 

I was wrong. 

Determination goes a long way in life. I can be determined to be an All-Star baseball player but without the training and skills it's never going to happen. I had the desire to be all that God wanted me to be. And I had reached the place in my life where I was seeing the curves, but I still did not know how to connect. That's when God had me realize that sometimes you have to lay off of certain pitches and wait for yours. So I waited. And I let Him train me to identify what my pitch was.

When you train for any event you have to start with the basics and work your way up to facing live competition. In baseball it is batting practice. So God put me through batting practice. He allowed me to see the curves and recognize which ones were my pitches and which ones were not. Some curves were in the strike zone, but they weren't "my pitch" no matter how good they looked. So I learned patience. Finally, He saw I was ready. 

I stepped up in this game and the walk-up song had changed. It was now telling my heart to beat again. So with determination and training I was ready. And then I saw it. The most beautiful curves I had ever seen. With eyes wide open I stepped into the pitch and I connected. At first I was stunned that I had made any contact at all. Then I saw that I had hit this one out of the park. 

I'm circling the bases now. And I've finally been able to make it home again. 

It feels good. 

We All Need Somebody to Lean On

Every so often God will reveal to me something new in the scriptures. Not newly written of course, but a new revelation within scripture I've probably read a hundred times. One of those times happened recently while reading the story of Ruth. Typically the focus of Ruth for me has been her faithfulness to Naomi and the fact that Boaz took care of her. But this particular time my focus became HOW Boaz took care of her. If you recall, Ruth had no one to care for her and her former mother-in-law, Naomi. So she took to the fields to work among the women there. I would recommend you read Ruth Chapter 2 but pay particular attention to this part of the chapter:
“At mealtime Boaz said to her, “Come over here. Have some bread and dip it in the wine vinegar.” When she sat down with the harvesters, he offered her some roasted grain. She ate all she wanted and had some left over. As she got up to glean, Boaz gave orders to his men, “Let her gather among the sheaves and don’t reprimand her. Even pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up, and don’t rebuke her.” So Ruth gleaned in the field until evening. Then she threshed the barley she had gathered, and it amounted to about an ephah. She carried it back to town, and her mother-in-law saw how much she had gathered."

What Boaz did for Ruth probably differs from what we often would feel lead to do for someone in need. Boaz did not give her barley that was gathered already. Nor did he give her barley that had already been threshed. Instead he had work left for her to do to allow her to take care of her mother-in-law and herself.

There were two takeaways I got from this. First, taking care of those in need doesn't always mean giving them what they need. Instead it can mean providing them the opportunity to get what they need if they are capable of doing it themselves. Countless times I see people with their cardboard signs saying they will work for food. We drive past them believing that they don't want to actually work but that they want a handout instead. So rather than asking them to help wash windows or mow a yard or mend something that is broken we travel down the road with our self righteousness buckled into the seat beside us. Perhaps God doesn't want us to give them a handout, but perhaps God doesn't want us to ignore them either. Just giving them the benefit of the doubt is all they really need.

My own personal mantra has been that I don't mind helping people in need, but I refuse to help needy people. Sometimes we don't get the breaks. Sometimes life throws us a curve while we were sitting on a fastball. I've been there. You've been there. The encouraging word, a meal, a hug, or just someone to listen to is often all we need to get through. Other times we need that handout to get us right again.

Recently I have had the opportunity to help a family in need. They are deep in debt and saw no sign of getting out. But they didn't come to me asking for a handout. They realized that their position was caused by their mistakes. They wanted help to not make those mistakes again all while doing the right thing and cleaning up after themselves. Rather than mope about how bad things were they began to see that, with a lot of hard work, they could get out of this mess. And I'm proud of the progress they've made in just a few months. By allowing them to gather for themselves they received value for their work.

My second takeaway is how we oftentimes don't recognize those opportunities when God gives them to us. We ask for food on our table so He gives us a job. We ask for His help in finding a mate and He shows us a Sunday School class to join. We ask for so many things and, when He gives us the opportunity to do the things necessary to get what we ask for, we ask Him why He doesn't want to answer our prayers.

Perhaps we should ask Him for direction and for the wisdom and ability to recognize those chances when they present themselves. Finding your mate, your job, your house or that big stack of money you've been looking for may be easier than you first expected. Seeking first His kingdom would be a great starting point. Then asking God for the opportunity to bless others and for His help in recognizing those opportunities when they show up should be a daily prayer. After we ask Him to use us to bless others then we can ask Him to recognize the path to the blessings He has for us.

I don't know why this revelation of scripture came to me or who else it might have been for, but I do know that it was meant for more than just me. I pray that it sits well with you and maybe even makes a difference in how you look at life. I know it has mine. And He has begun a good work in me. And He will continue to perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
‭

Alone again

Last night I learned a lesson. It was one that I thought I knew before but the view I got was completely different this time. I was alone. All by myself in a sea of people. I chose to end a long day by relaxing at a sporting event. Alone. I went by myself. Sat by myself. Cheered by myself. Left by myself. Yes, tonight I was alone. But I wasn't lonely. And tonight I welcomed the difference. 

Just a year ago I felt what it was like to be lonely. What it was like to be in a large crowd but feel so alone. I didn't like it. Not one bit. To me, one who is very much a people person, there was a big reason that “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone." So I was so happy when He again found the helper who was a suitable mate for me. 

But you, my dear reader, may not be there. You may not know what it is like to be alone without being lonely. You may be struggling and asking yourself why you have to face this life alone. And the answer to that one question is the greatest gift I could give you. But, alas, it is not my gift to give. I wish that I could put a timetable on your loneliness. Some sort of red letter day to let you know that loneliness will end. I have not forgotten the pain of wanting desperately to hold someone special in your arms again. The actual physical ache that cannot be fully understood by someone else until they too have been through it. The end to my pain finally arrived. Yours will too. Even though you may feel that frustration. That sense of dread as you go to bed and lay your head on your tear soaked pillow wishing someone were there beside you. Even though you see no end to your days of trying to choke back that ever present lump in your throat as you write one name only on a return address. God sees it. God sees the red letter day. God sees that it is not good for you to be alone. And God has the timing already in place. 

For several years I lived in the same town as my new forever. Went to the same church. Shopped in the same stores. Frequented the same restaurants. So many times our paths came ever so close to crossing. But they didn't. They didn't cross until God wanted them to cross. I've said before that the Holy Spirit will bring you peace but the Holy Spirit cannot come down and hug you. He cannot physically entwine His fingers within yours. Cannot reach His foot over in bed and find yours in the middle of the night. But He can bring you someone who will. He WILL bring you someone. Like Adam, you may have to set about the task of naming animals. You may have to set your mind on the tasks that God has assigned to you rather than on what is missing, but eventually you will look up and see that special someone just waiting to help you with that task. And in that moment, whether it is a sudden flame or a slow boil, you will know. 

It is not good for him to be alone. It is worse for him to be lonely. Thank God for the suitable helper. Now may the God who brought me mine bless you with yours. 

In His timing. 

Image via creation.com