Those who knew me know full well that in love and in laughter I lived as a prince
And in my heart of hearts, I served my calling
waiting for this time to come, when I would see my king"
Lyrics from Requiem for the Living by the Christian group Allies echo through my soul this morning. Today my late wife spends another birthday in heaven with our daughter and the children who never got to breathe the air of earth. Today she celebrates with our King, the King of Kings. And today finds me in a better place than I was during previous birthdays. I often wondered how people move on with their lives when their purpose for breathing is gone. For me it was extremely difficult. I would live my life as full as I possibly could during the days and sob myself to sleep at night. Nothing could replace this gift that God had given me. He knew exactly what He was doing when He put her in my life. He knew she would fill in the gaps of my weaknesses and help me to be a better servant. She was a perfect fit and nothing would ever be able to fill that spot... but in the words of the great Lee Corso, "Not so fast my friend."
When the rib was pulled from the body of Adam to make his bride it left a gap, a longing to be complete again. When Wanda was ripped from my side it took more than rib, it took most of what was left of my heart. And, as with Adam, it left a longing to be complete again. I truly believed that I would find happiness again - but only when I reached heaven and got to see my King of Kings. As with Adam, He knows that we need to be complete. Sometimes we can find that completeness only in Him. And sometimes He finds that one to fill that gap that fits perfectly.
When we are in pain we often tend to self medicate. Why go see the doctor when you have leftover medicine from your last visit six years ago? And, when we treat ourselves versus seeing a physician we often make things worse because we are not truly skilled in the art of diagnosis and treatment. Pain in our heart is the same way. We would rather try to fix it on our own versus seeing the Great Physician. During the time after having my insides torn from me, I tried a number of home remedies. While some of those remedies bandaged nicely, they were not what the Physician recommended. It wasn't until I totally turned the healing over to Him that I got prescribed the most wonderful cure imaginable.
So, here I sit, facing yet another year of celebrating my late wife's birthday without her. Feelings tumble in my mind as I alternate between feeling the loss of that love in my life, feeling the joy that comes from the new love in my life, to feeling of guilt for feeling either. This is gut level honesty here my dear reader. This is something you don't understand if you haven't been there yourself. Even stranger yet, this is something you don't understand if you HAVE been yourself.
Today I am complete again. The hole that was in my heart was larger than I realized. Thinking back again to the medical, when a wound is repaired by a physician the hole isn't simply sewn up. First the dead tissue around the would must be excised. I thought the hole in my heart was all that needed to be filled. So I looked for something to fit that hole. But the Great Physician knew better. He increased the size and changed the shape of the hole by removing the dead tissue that surrounded it first. Then he found the perfect fit for the new hole.
Perhaps that is what needs to happen in your life. And perhaps that surgery will be multi-faceted and take a long time to achieve. And perhaps that only thing that will fit that hole is the Great Physician Himself. Since I cannot give her a gift, I pray that God will give you that gift on Wanda's birthday and make this Christmas the best in years.
Merry Christmas and Happy birthday in Heaven to my Wanda where you get to spend it with your King of Kings - the greatest gift of all.
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