Your Guest is as Good as Mine

Sometimes you go through life seeing someone everyday for awhile. Perhaps it's a school classmate. Perhaps it's a coworker. Regardless, you get used to seeing them there. Then, slowly, life takes you in a different direction and you start seeing one another less often. Days become weeks and weeks become months. Sometimes, during that time, you begin to wonder whatever happened to them (unless you are Facebook friends in which case you know what their cat had for breakfast that morning). Then one day, from out of nowhere, they show back up in your life. Maybe for a moment. Maybe for a lifetime. This has occurred to me more times than I care to remember and in most cases the reunion is a good one as you reminisce about the good old days. But other times you see them coming and you try to avoid them without it looking like you're trying to avoid them. That too has happened to me and, to be completely honest, I have dodged a person or two myself in my lifetime. 

My visitor today was someone I had not seen in awhile and really didn't care to ever see again. I know that sounds harsh but, if you're honest with yourself, you know of people like that too. If you have read my blog in the past you have heard me talk about this individual. And if you've ever met him you too have probably tried to avoid him. I'm referring to my old pal, Angry Me. 

Angry Me lived with me all last Summer and most of the Fall and Winter too. He began to move out in the Spring and by the beginning of the next Summer he only came back occasionally to collect some things he had left behind. 

If you aren't familiar with Angry Me let me tell you a little bit about him. Angry Me is a very selfish individual. He concerns himself only with how he feels and not how others feel. He only wants what he thinks is good for him and doesn't care who he has to hurt to get those things. Angry Me refuses to put anyone else first. Especially God. 

I don't like Angry Me. 

This time of year can be a bit difficult to say the least. What once was at one end of the joy spectrum has now swung in the complete opposite direction. This creates a very welcome environment for Angry Me. Angry Me carries all of his hurt on his shoulder and, if that doesn't make it noticeable enough for you, then he will hold that hurt high above his head until someone comes along, feels sorry for him, and tries to take the load. And he will trick you into thinking you are helping. In his convoluted Tom Sawyer way he will convince you to take away his pain when he knows that there is no way you can. Misery loves company and he wants to bring you down to his level so he doesn't have to be there alone. I bet you don't like Angry Me either. 

This time was different. This time I saw Angry Me from far enough off to do two things. The first thing I did was shield as many people as I could from Angry Me as possible. I wanted to show Angry Me that he was no longer welcome in my home. And, so far, it has worked. Angry Me has sat silently as I've prayed for the help I need. As I've prayed for God to make me a better man. As I've tried to let God slowly into the room I had fixed up for Angry Me to live in and totally remodel it. Secondly I made a conscious decision to focus on other things than what Angry Me wanted me to focus on. The first thing only made the second thing that much more difficult. Angry Me doesn't do well if he doesn't have a captive audience. And anything that would divide my attention is not good for his well being. 

Angry Me wants me to be alone. Being alone makes me recognize how lonely life can be. Never before in my life have I ever felt more alone even when I sit among other people. Angry Me likes me to focus on that. The more I focus on the fact that I am alone, the more time he has to move back in. But I'm working hard to let my alone time be spent focusing on the blessings I have rather than the blessings I no longer have. 

I'm sure that Angry Me will probably hang around for the holidays looking for a chance to step in where he is not wanted. And he may even try to bunk up in his friend Sad Me's room. Sad Me will be like Matthew McConaughy in Failure to Launch and stay for a long time but eventually he too will have to go to.

Please be patient with me. I can only work on one Me at a time!

Eight Steps for Helping the Grieving Friend

Having traveled this road of grief more than once I see many familiar signposts. But, just as each individual follows a different path of grief, each grief causing event can alter the appearance of your path. Sometimes subtly. Sometimes drastically. For this reason, the words of advice I would give someone who has lost a child would be different than to one who has lost a spouse. With that in consideration I thought I might share a few words of advice for those who may not have traveled as rocky a road as I have but find yourself face to face with one who has. 

1. My first words of advice would be to not offer words of advice. I could end this post right there and call it a night. Unless you have faced a similar loss you are in no position to offer any advice. If you have faced a similar loss then you have every right to empathize, but still no right to tell the griever what they should do. The only time you can even approach this person with advice would be if they have asked you to help. And even then you should tread lightly. Which brings me to my next point:

2. Be there for the griever to listen. More importantly, be proactive. Yes, that griever might occasionally wish to be alone, but don't always expect them to seek you out. Especially if their loss has left them alone. Many grievers don't want to bring anyone else down so they will choose to try to face it all alone. Which is not the best approach for them to take. But simply saying that you'll be there for them is not enough. You should seek them out. Invite them to social functions you may plan to attend. Ask them for help with something you could easily do alone but would welcome the company. Invite them to family functions. However, through all of this, respect the times that they need to be alone. And, by all means, do not let them derive all of their happiness from you alone. Being there for someone is a noble act. Allowing them to be a leach does nothing for either of you. 

3. Be willing to bring up their lost love one in conversation. Share memories you have. Ask them to tell you stories that they remember fondly. Remember, they will not be getting any new memories so if they choose to share a memory repeatedly in your presence you should act like you are hearing it for the first time. Or at least ask questions about the story to indicate that you want to know it better.

4. Keep your faith gun in your holster. Quoting specific scriptures to comfort someone screams to them that you think you would do better if you were faced with a similar situation because your faith is so strong. Well I have news for you. You won't. You may even turn them away from the very faith you are trying to share with them. Remember that we (of the Christian faith) serve a mighty God. And God may be able to send someone to wash dishes and do house work or teach them how to pay bills, but He won't come down and do it Himself. As Christians we are called to be the hands and feet of Christ. Instead of unloading on them with a scripture you think will bring them peace, why not ask God what you can do for them that will make the scripture come alive. 

5. Keep a record of important dates. With today's technology it is not difficult to remember dates that may be important to the griever. Specifically, the anniversary date of the grief event and the birthdate of their lost loved one. A little text, phone call, or email is a nice touch. But, if you really want to touch them, send them a handwritten note. I have a casual acquaintance who sends me about two or three letters a year. Not just on those dates, but also on days she may be thinking of me. When we lost our daughter she sent several notes which really endeared her to my wife and I. After losing my wife the letters continued. She wrote them because she couldn't handle the emotion of talking directly to me. I still have those notes. 

6. Don't be scared to say something wrong. I had a good friend of mine sit across the table from me and tell someone else to not have children. That they were only trouble. Now I know for a fact that he loves his children. Even when they do get on his last nerve. He also knows that I love his children. But, the moment those words came out of his mouth he looked at me and told me he was sorry. He knew that I would do anything to have my child back. I tell you that story to let you know that, no matter how good of a friend you are, you are going to occasionally say the wrong thing. Apologize and move on. You weren't the first. And you won't be the last.

7. Go out of your way to do something in memory of their lost loved one. Make a donation in their loved one's name to their favorite charity. You don't know their favorite charity? Then pick one of your own and make a donation there. And, afterward, find out what charity their loved one supported and send a donation there. Can't afford to make a donation, then volunteer somewhere in their honor. All of these help the memory of their loved one live on. 

8. While this may a slight bit of a repeat of number 5, remember them on other important dates. Specifically on holidays. Certain holidays are tougher to get through than others. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter,Valentine's Day, and their own birthdays are always tough. But smaller holidays, those that give you the three day weekend, can be difficult as well. Nothing helps a griever deal with his or her own grief than immersing themselves in work or everyday routines. When those wonderful extended weekends come along they may not have anything planned. Think to include them in your Memorial Day or Fourth of July plans. Anything you can do to help them stay distracted and yet feel welcome will help more than you can realize. 

There are so many more things that you can choose to do that would be a nice gesture. There are so many things that you can keep from doing that are equally beneficial. Please feel free to comment and tell me if you have other ideas to share. I would love to pass them on.