Having traveled this road of grief more than once I see many familiar signposts. But, just as each individual follows a different path of grief, each grief causing event can alter the appearance of your path. Sometimes subtly. Sometimes drastically. For this reason, the words of advice I would give someone who has lost a child would be different than to one who has lost a spouse. With that in consideration I thought I might share a few words of advice for those who may not have traveled as rocky a road as I have but find yourself face to face with one who has.
1. My first words of advice would be to not offer words of advice. I could end this post right there and call it a night. Unless you have faced a similar loss you are in no position to offer any advice. If you have faced a similar loss then you have every right to empathize, but still no right to tell the griever what they should do. The only time you can even approach this person with advice would be if they have asked you to help. And even then you should tread lightly. Which brings me to my next point:
2. Be there for the griever to listen. More importantly, be proactive. Yes, that griever might occasionally wish to be alone, but don't always expect them to seek you out. Especially if their loss has left them alone. Many grievers don't want to bring anyone else down so they will choose to try to face it all alone. Which is not the best approach for them to take. But simply saying that you'll be there for them is not enough. You should seek them out. Invite them to social functions you may plan to attend. Ask them for help with something you could easily do alone but would welcome the company. Invite them to family functions. However, through all of this, respect the times that they need to be alone. And, by all means, do not let them derive all of their happiness from you alone. Being there for someone is a noble act. Allowing them to be a leach does nothing for either of you.
3. Be willing to bring up their lost love one in conversation. Share memories you have. Ask them to tell you stories that they remember fondly. Remember, they will not be getting any new memories so if they choose to share a memory repeatedly in your presence you should act like you are hearing it for the first time. Or at least ask questions about the story to indicate that you want to know it better.
4. Keep your faith gun in your holster. Quoting specific scriptures to comfort someone screams to them that you think you would do better if you were faced with a similar situation because your faith is so strong. Well I have news for you. You won't. You may even turn them away from the very faith you are trying to share with them. Remember that we (of the Christian faith) serve a mighty God. And God may be able to send someone to wash dishes and do house work or teach them how to pay bills, but He won't come down and do it Himself. As Christians we are called to be the hands and feet of Christ. Instead of unloading on them with a scripture you think will bring them peace, why not ask God what you can do for them that will make the scripture come alive.
5. Keep a record of important dates. With today's technology it is not difficult to remember dates that may be important to the griever. Specifically, the anniversary date of the grief event and the birthdate of their lost loved one. A little text, phone call, or email is a nice touch. But, if you really want to touch them, send them a handwritten note. I have a casual acquaintance who sends me about two or three letters a year. Not just on those dates, but also on days she may be thinking of me. When we lost our daughter she sent several notes which really endeared her to my wife and I. After losing my wife the letters continued. She wrote them because she couldn't handle the emotion of talking directly to me. I still have those notes.
6. Don't be scared to say something wrong. I had a good friend of mine sit across the table from me and tell someone else to not have children. That they were only trouble. Now I know for a fact that he loves his children. Even when they do get on his last nerve. He also knows that I love his children. But, the moment those words came out of his mouth he looked at me and told me he was sorry. He knew that I would do anything to have my child back. I tell you that story to let you know that, no matter how good of a friend you are, you are going to occasionally say the wrong thing. Apologize and move on. You weren't the first. And you won't be the last.
7. Go out of your way to do something in memory of their lost loved one. Make a donation in their loved one's name to their favorite charity. You don't know their favorite charity? Then pick one of your own and make a donation there. And, afterward, find out what charity their loved one supported and send a donation there. Can't afford to make a donation, then volunteer somewhere in their honor. All of these help the memory of their loved one live on.
8. While this may a slight bit of a repeat of number 5, remember them on other important dates. Specifically on holidays. Certain holidays are tougher to get through than others. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter,Valentine's Day, and their own birthdays are always tough. But smaller holidays, those that give you the three day weekend, can be difficult as well. Nothing helps a griever deal with his or her own grief than immersing themselves in work or everyday routines. When those wonderful extended weekends come along they may not have anything planned. Think to include them in your Memorial Day or Fourth of July plans. Anything you can do to help them stay distracted and yet feel welcome will help more than you can realize.
There are so many more things that you can choose to do that would be a nice gesture. There are so many things that you can keep from doing that are equally beneficial. Please feel free to comment and tell me if you have other ideas to share. I would love to pass them on.
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