Sometimes you go through life seeing someone everyday for awhile. Perhaps it's a school classmate. Perhaps it's a coworker. Regardless, you get used to seeing them there. Then, slowly, life takes you in a different direction and you start seeing one another less often. Days become weeks and weeks become months. Sometimes, during that time, you begin to wonder whatever happened to them (unless you are Facebook friends in which case you know what their cat had for breakfast that morning). Then one day, from out of nowhere, they show back up in your life. Maybe for a moment. Maybe for a lifetime. This has occurred to me more times than I care to remember and in most cases the reunion is a good one as you reminisce about the good old days. But other times you see them coming and you try to avoid them without it looking like you're trying to avoid them. That too has happened to me and, to be completely honest, I have dodged a person or two myself in my lifetime.
My visitor today was someone I had not seen in awhile and really didn't care to ever see again. I know that sounds harsh but, if you're honest with yourself, you know of people like that too. If you have read my blog in the past you have heard me talk about this individual. And if you've ever met him you too have probably tried to avoid him. I'm referring to my old pal, Angry Me.
Angry Me lived with me all last Summer and most of the Fall and Winter too. He began to move out in the Spring and by the beginning of the next Summer he only came back occasionally to collect some things he had left behind.
If you aren't familiar with Angry Me let me tell you a little bit about him. Angry Me is a very selfish individual. He concerns himself only with how he feels and not how others feel. He only wants what he thinks is good for him and doesn't care who he has to hurt to get those things. Angry Me refuses to put anyone else first. Especially God.
I don't like Angry Me.
This time of year can be a bit difficult to say the least. What once was at one end of the joy spectrum has now swung in the complete opposite direction. This creates a very welcome environment for Angry Me. Angry Me carries all of his hurt on his shoulder and, if that doesn't make it noticeable enough for you, then he will hold that hurt high above his head until someone comes along, feels sorry for him, and tries to take the load. And he will trick you into thinking you are helping. In his convoluted Tom Sawyer way he will convince you to take away his pain when he knows that there is no way you can. Misery loves company and he wants to bring you down to his level so he doesn't have to be there alone. I bet you don't like Angry Me either.
This time was different. This time I saw Angry Me from far enough off to do two things. The first thing I did was shield as many people as I could from Angry Me as possible. I wanted to show Angry Me that he was no longer welcome in my home. And, so far, it has worked. Angry Me has sat silently as I've prayed for the help I need. As I've prayed for God to make me a better man. As I've tried to let God slowly into the room I had fixed up for Angry Me to live in and totally remodel it. Secondly I made a conscious decision to focus on other things than what Angry Me wanted me to focus on. The first thing only made the second thing that much more difficult. Angry Me doesn't do well if he doesn't have a captive audience. And anything that would divide my attention is not good for his well being.
Angry Me wants me to be alone. Being alone makes me recognize how lonely life can be. Never before in my life have I ever felt more alone even when I sit among other people. Angry Me likes me to focus on that. The more I focus on the fact that I am alone, the more time he has to move back in. But I'm working hard to let my alone time be spent focusing on the blessings I have rather than the blessings I no longer have.
I'm sure that Angry Me will probably hang around for the holidays looking for a chance to step in where he is not wanted. And he may even try to bunk up in his friend Sad Me's room. Sad Me will be like Matthew McConaughy in Failure to Launch and stay for a long time but eventually he too will have to go to.
Please be patient with me. I can only work on one Me at a time!
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