ChChChCh Changes

Change. They say change is good. And I can't disagree. At least not 100%. But I really believe that the change the proverbial "they" is referring to is change that you choose to make. Not change that is forced on you. I've never been totally resistant to change. At least in many areas of my life. Things change and so you must change with them. In my business I have found this to be true. In my personal life as well. But I have found that resistance to change is elevated in my personal life. 

In business I know I am not operating as I was even ten years ago. I must follow the current of the marketplace. Computers are an integral part of my operations whereas they were simply a necessary evil at the turn of the millennium. The products I sell and the way they are fabricated have also undergone some wholesale changes. And all of these changes truly are for the better. 

In my personal life the changes over that same time period have been much more drastic. First, learning to live without my child. Missing those things I once begrudgingly attended. No more dance recitals. No more soccer games. No more noisy sleep-overs. But also, no more snuggles with my little girl in my lap. No more donut runs. No more daddy-daughter date nights. Now, even more recently, learning to live without my spouse. I would like to think that if I knew where I would be today, if I knew how much I would progress and how to make that progression 11 months ago, that it would've made things so much easier last June. But I would be lying to myself. The changes I have undergone have been forced upon me. Just today I found another simple reason to miss my bride. And it was a purely selfish reason. I got too much sun. I have no one to apply the soothing lotion to my back. I have no one to scratch it when it itches so bad as it heals. Yes, some changes really (insert your adjective here).

The other thing I have noticed is how much I have changed over the last quarter of a century. Changes that both my child and my wife caused me to make. The lid - both of them- gets put down EVERY time. My shoes come off at the door. The dishes are cleaned before I head to bed. I shave in the shower because it makes it easier to clean up. Dirt and clutter bother me. I put away all of my toys before going to bed. I remain a gentleman around the ladies... mostly. 

In the last eleven months there have been a number of other changes I have had to make. I wash my own clothes every time. I pay the bills. I've learned how to sleep in the bed alone (except for my daughter's stuffed dog). I pick out my own clothes. I pack my own suitcase when I go on trips. I cook. Well, that last one is a bit of a stretch. The list is endless. But I've noticed how much of these things I do I choose to do my wife's old way. I try to honor her that way. 

Now is the time to face the biggest change though. The change in my heart. My love for my wife will never go away. And anyone that chooses to spend any of the rest of my life with me knows that or they don't get to spend any of the rest of my life with me. My heart has scabbed over. There are scars. It is bruised and beaten. It has been pressed, persecuted, struck down, but it has not been crushed, abandoned or destroyed. The attacks of the devil have been numerous and they have knocked me to my knees. I fall down. But I get up. And now it is time for me to step out there and truly see what this heart wants for the rest of my life. More importantly it's time for me to see what the Lord wants for my heart. And one day, maybe months from now, maybe years, I hope to be able to share with you, dear reader, how God can restore if you'll let Him. 

I once was lost...

Who do you go to when your go to person is gone? Who do you share your day with when the person you would most want to share the rest of your life with is no longer there? Who do you tell your dreams to? Who will listen to you cry and cry with you? In spite of what you may think intimacy is, men, this is true intimacy. If you have those times when something occurs and you can't wait to get home and tell your wife, you have found intimacy. If you can't wait to hear what is going on in her life, you have found intimacy. If you can't imagine a future without her, you have found intimacy. And I bet you weren't even looking for it. 

Gentlemen, don't take this for granted. If you look at the woman who was the woman of your dreams and she no longer holds that position of honor, then, you have lost that intimacy. If you look forward to time away from the one person you couldn't imagine life without, then you have lost that intimacy. If you spend time with the woman who shares your last name and that time is spent in silence, you have lost that intimacy. And I'm here to tell you that it is harder to get it back than it was to attain in the first place. 

How do you keep that intimacy? I am no expert as my wife and I had our own ups and downs. But I waited too long to do all I should've been doing in the first place. There were so many things that I wanted to share with her in the journey we were supposed to take. So many things left unsaid and undone. A relationship is not a convenience store transaction. It is not supposed to be there for what we can quickly get out of it. It is, instead, more like a financial institution. A place to deposit our life so we can watch it grow. It's funny how we treat our relationship like we do our church. Expect to get everything just for being who we are. 

We gave her our last name. Do we sometimes think that she is honored to have it? That that, and that alone, should require her to do the things for us we want done. Dinner. Housework. Sex. Do we feel she is obligated to that because we work hard to put food on the table and a roof over her head? If so, then you have your work cut out for you. 

Regaining lost intimacy is like trying to fill up a leaking bucket. We have to patch the leaks while simultaneously filling the bucket. And, once the bucket is full, we have to maintain that bucket because every time she does something for you she draws from that bucket. And, if you have allowed this bucket to drain completely due to all of the cracks in it, you are going to have to patch those cracks before you can ever hope to refill it. But once you do refill it then you must continue to fill to overflowing. 

I share this with you not because I was a perfect husband, but because her life was over before I had a chance to attain perfection. I share this with you because I don't want you having the same regrets I have. I share this with you because I want you to recognize, sooner than I did, what makes a perfect home. I share this with you because there has to be a reason for my losses and that reason may be you. And, finally, I share this with you because I don't have anyone else to share it with. You may never attain perfection. Lord knows I haven't. And I'm sure my wife would tell you the same if she could. But the journey sure can be fun if you'll make the investment. 

Is there Mother's Day in heaven?

She refused to stand. 

"Honey, the pastor asked you to stand."

"No he didn't. He asked all the mothers to stand. I'm not a mother anymore."

I'm not sure which Mother's Day it was since the loss of our only child. I believe it to be the third or fourth. But, regardless, my wife refused to stand. And no matter what I said to convince her, she would not be budged. And to think she called me stubborn. 

I will never know what it is like to lose someone you gave birth to. Someone you carried in your womb for 40 weeks. Someone you nursed through infancy.  I only know what it is like to say goodbye for this lifetime to my only child. One that I loved as much as my wife did. But there is something to be said about the relationship a child has with her or his mother. And the severing of that relationship was something my wife could never get over. It was like the umbilical cord was being cut all over again 

I'm blessed to still have my mother. I'm blessed that she remains a Godly mother in spite of losing, first her granddaughter, and then her daughter-n-law. There are few who have had to go through the trials of these losses. And I know she hurts even more when she sees her son go through the pain I have had to endure. And yet she still manages to give glory to God for His many blessings. 

The same holds true for the woman I have the honor of calling my mother-in-law. Still. How would you, my dear reader, feel if you had to attend the funeral of your granddaughter... And then your husband... And then your own daughter? Can you imagine the pain she must be feeling? And yet she too, although angry at the circumstances, hasn't turned away from our God. 

They are not alone in this journey of grief. Ladies (and even some of you men), as you go about your day on Mother's Day you will encounter several people who will tell you Happy Mother's Day. You will thank them and probably say the same in return. It's become habit. So much so that you are more than likely to return the wishes to a guy. But what about those who struggle with the day? What about the young man who sits silently on the seat next to you in church that only wishes he could tell his mom just one more time how much he loves her? And what about that woman who sheds silent tears thinking about the child that should be wishing her a happy day that never got to see the light of it? The woman who lost a child after raising her? The woman who sits by the phone just praying that the child she hasn't heard from in three years would call just this once? The unwed mother who holds her child close and raises her chin against the shame she sometimes feels?

Today you will fight the crowds at a local restaurant to celebrate with your mom this day that had been set aside to honor her. But before you do may I make a suggestion? Put yourself in the shoes of another for just a few minutes. Seek out that person you know may be having a difficult day and embrace them. Weep with them. Pray with them. Then, Mom's, once you have, please push those feelings to the back and enjoy your day! You've earned it. 

Whether your child is with you in spirit or in flesh you are a Mom! And you are special. 

And, to my mom, happy Mother's Day. And to my lovely bride, I pray you enjoy your first Mother's Day with your children in heaven. Save a place for me.

It's a Saturday night and I ain't got nobody...

I never wanted to be a fireman. Never wanted to be a policeman. Not a doctor. As a matter of fact, I really can't remember what my career aspirations were as a small child. But I know what I didn't think I would be. I did not think I would be alone. I did not think that I would be sitting in a hotel room alone the eve before my 50th birthday. I did not think that I would spend my 50th birthdays without my wife in my arms or my child sitting across from my birthday cake with possibly a husband and child of her own. 

Today I found myself in the company of some pretty incredible people and yet I was alone. During dinner my feeling of loneliness for the day seemed to reach its peak and I had to slip quietly out and step outside the restaurant so that my body could join my soul in a moment of solitude. Each time I thought I would gather myself and rejoin my friends another wave of loneliness struck. Fortunately a small child came to my rescue with a sweet hug. It got me through dinner and my cup didn't run out until I returned to my hotel room. Alone. The words to an old song I heard this afternoon came flooding back to me. "It's a Saturday night and I ain't got nobody..."

Tomorrow morning I will awaken another day closer to my great reunion. I will again spend the day with some good friends that will serve as a good distraction. I will begin my journey on the second half-century of my life. I will again return home to an empty house and climb in bed alone in hopes of visiting my family in my dreams. But I will also do something else. I will also take another step forward. I will be a friend to someone who needs a friend. I will smile at someone who needs a smile. I will serve someone in some capacity that is in need. And I will continue to heal even if that healing means excising a little infection now and then. 

This Sunday and the next Sunday will be two of the last firsts I have to face as the first year is approaching an end. Mother's Day will probably be just as difficult as a birthday. But I refuse to let it get me down. I don't know what it's like to be a mother but I have to believe that being with your children on Mother's Day is probably the best way to spend that day and, for the first time in 8 years my wife will get to spend Mother's Day with her daughter. And I will rejoice in that for her. 

So, if you are a close friend and you want to know what to get me for my birthday, send me a picture of you with your family enjoying the day. Allow me to live vicariously through you. No matter how hard you try you cannot give me what I truly want for this birthday, but if I can make you see the beauty in your family and make you hold them a little closer then that alone will be cause for celebration. And it will give me hope for the next half century.