Happy Birthday to Her

"Don't weep for me when I'm gone
Those who knew me know full well that in love and in laughter I lived as a prince
And in my heart of hearts, I served my calling
waiting for this time to come, when I would see my king"

Lyrics from Requiem for the Living by the Christian group Allies echo through my soul this morning. Today my late wife spends another birthday in heaven with our daughter and the children who never got to breathe the air of earth. Today she celebrates with our King, the King of Kings. And today finds me in a better place than I was during previous birthdays. I often wondered how people move on with their lives when their purpose for breathing is gone. For me it was extremely difficult. I would live my life as full as I possibly could during the days and sob myself to sleep at night. Nothing could replace this gift that God had given me. He knew exactly what He was doing when He put her in my life. He knew she would fill in the gaps of my weaknesses and help me to be a better servant. She was a perfect fit and nothing would ever be able to fill that spot... but in the words of the great Lee Corso, "Not so fast my friend."

When the rib was pulled from the body of Adam to make his bride it left a gap, a longing to be complete again. When Wanda was ripped from my side it took more than rib, it took most of what was left of my heart. And, as with Adam, it left a longing to be complete again. I truly believed that I would find happiness again - but only when I reached heaven and got to see my King of Kings. As with Adam, He knows that we need to be complete. Sometimes we can find that completeness only in Him. And sometimes He finds that one to fill that gap that fits perfectly.

When we are in pain we often tend to self medicate. Why go see the doctor when you have leftover medicine from your last visit six years ago? And, when we treat ourselves versus seeing a physician we often make things worse because we are not truly skilled in the art of diagnosis and treatment. Pain in our heart is the same way. We would rather try to fix it on our own versus seeing the Great Physician. During the time after having my insides torn from me, I tried a number of home remedies. While some of those remedies bandaged nicely, they were not what the Physician recommended. It wasn't until I totally turned the healing over to Him that I got prescribed the most wonderful cure imaginable.

So, here I sit, facing yet another year of celebrating my late wife's birthday without her. Feelings tumble in my mind as I alternate between feeling the loss of that love in my life, feeling the joy that comes from the new love in my life, to feeling of guilt for feeling either. This is gut level honesty here my dear reader. This is something you don't understand if you haven't been there yourself. Even stranger yet, this is something you don't understand if you HAVE been yourself.

Today I am complete again. The hole that was in my heart was larger than I realized. Thinking back again to the medical, when a wound is repaired by a physician the hole isn't simply sewn up. First the dead tissue around the would must be excised. I thought the hole in my heart was all that needed to be filled. So I looked for something to fit that hole. But the Great Physician knew better. He increased the size and changed the shape of the hole by removing the dead tissue that surrounded it first. Then he found the perfect fit for the new hole.

Perhaps that is what needs to happen in your life. And perhaps that surgery will be multi-faceted and take a long time to achieve. And perhaps that only thing that will fit that hole is the Great Physician Himself. Since I cannot give her a gift, I pray that God will give you that gift on Wanda's birthday and make this Christmas the best in years.

Merry Christmas and Happy birthday in Heaven to my Wanda where you get to spend it with your King of Kings - the greatest gift of all.

Away beyond the manger

During this time of year we recall the story laid out for us so well in Luke Chapter 2. We think of sweet baby Jesus laying in a manger. And we always think of Jesus as this cherubic blonde headed, blue-eyed baby lying quietly on a soft bed of hay. But I’m sure that was not the case. There is a very real possibility that baby Jesus came into this world with dark skin and brown eyes. He was most definitely covered in afterbirth, umbilical cord still attached as they used whatever rudimentary tools they had on hand to take care of cleaning him and making him presentable to the world. And I’m sure Mary must have wondered during the weeks of morning sickness and the pain of childbirth that surely Christ was not supposed to enter the world this way. But he had to. He had to suffer the all things this world presented him.

But, before you go to thinking I have just ruined the picture of Christmas for you I ask you to picture this. This precious child lying in a manger as the angels form a line from heaven to earth to see God’s only begotten son. I can imagine them standing over him with tears in their angel eyes and smiles on their Angel faces brighter than the stars above. I imagine them hovered around him with excited angel whispers about their king. Each stretching to see over the other to see God come to earth.

This is the picture that got me to thinking, who did he look like? He had to have his mother’s features but what about his father? He couldn’t look like Joseph. Did people look at him and say how much he looks like his mom? And what about as he grew?

As we watch our own children grow we see them change in appearance. Some days looking more like mom and other days like dad. And this line of reasoning got me to thinking of how we are all sons and daughters of our Lord. And while I carry features from both biological parents, is that what I want people to see?

Lord forgive me when people look at me and don’t say that I look more and more like my Heavenly Father every day. And please help me to reflect you on a daily basis so that when I finally cross through those pearly gates no ID is required because I want them to look at me and immediately know that I am related to you. That I am your child. That I look just like you.