Two Decembers ago my parents celebrated 50 years of marriage in a sweet vow renewal ceremony and a reception to follow. Looking over the room I saw so many of their friends. Then I looked at my wife and thought to myself, "I can hardly wait to celebrate 50 years with this woman." We were already over half way there and I was working, always, on being the man of my wife's dreams for the remainder of our lives. We had our ups and downs. Fortunately, mostly ups. I deeply love my wife and, having been through so much tragedy in our lives, I was sure we could weather any storm.
Fast forward to this more recent event. My parents were in attendance while their best friends celebrated their 50th Anniversary. The room was packed with their friends and family. And, having had this wonderful couple as my other set of parents for so many years, most of those friends were friends of mine. The celebration was wonderful. Good food, good music and dancing, and, best of all, good company. Smiles were on everyone's faces. Including mine. I was very surprised at how much I was enjoying myself. And I know, having been on grief's road for quite a few years now, that it's okay to find happy moments in the midst of grief.
Four times I found myself on the dance floor. And I enjoyed it each time. But then I would step back and have my "I'd rather" moments. I danced and enjoyed my time dancing with the ladies who each danced with me. But I couldn't help but think, "I'd rather be with my wife." I didn't want to be somewhere else at that moment. But I wanted my wife with me. I wanted to share this experience with her. It wasn't that I didn't want to be around these people, it's just that I wanted even more to have my bride by my side.
There have been many experiences these last ten-plus months that I wish my bride had been able to walk through with me. I enjoy my time with others, no less than I ever did, but I would've enjoyed it so much more if she had been there. I also know that there will be moments in the future that will be the same.
To reach that intersection of the roads of grief and of joy, I'll have to endure several of these moments. And, as I continue to focus on the good memories and good experiences and less on the bad or on the things I don't have or won't have, the closer I get to the merging of those roads. I will never get to celebrate 50 years with my bride. Even if God blesses me with a future Mrs. Harrison. But I did get to celebrate 26 years. I never had the opportunity to walk my daughter down the aisle to the man that would hopefully make her happy for 50 years. And I'd rather it were different. But I did get to experience so much of her life and the little victories she had. As hard as it may be, I will continue to try to focus on what I have been blessed with rather than what is missing.
One day in the future I may be able to look someone else in the eyes and tell her that I'd rather be there with her than with anyone else on the planet. And I would be telling the truth. But I hope that she recognizes that I am who I am because of my first "I'd rather."
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