Over the last few months I have pulled out our wedding album and looked through the pictures of these kids as they began their journey together. I opened the photo albums where we had placed all of the pictures we had of our daughter after she passed away. So many memories. I have found a place on the floor of my wife's closet and organized her bountiful collection of shoes. Through tears I placed each pair neatly in a box and stacked the boxes up. It was like playing a live version of Tetris but I finally managed to make a short wall of shoe boxes. I have washed and hung all of her clothes in that same closet and run my fingers over the fabric as if I could, in some small way, stir up the dust of memories from the last time she wore that particular dress, shirt, or pair of pants. I have pulled out each ring, necklace, bracelet or set of earrings and imagined them as they rested against her silky smooth skin. I have purposely stayed away from the lingerie drawer because some memories need no help. But nothing prepared me for the treasure I found this particular night.
One of the more difficult things that I was forced to do in the first weeks following her passing was to cancel a cruise my wife and I were to take this past November. Every year we saved up money to get out of town on either our daughter's birthday or for Christmas. This time it was for her birthday. It was a ship we had not been on and it was for a longer period of time than we usually would book. We budgeted all year long for these cruises so that we would not have to be paying for our cruise long after the ship had docked. We didn't have a lot of money but we (that really should read, SHE) did a good job of setting money aside and prepaying for just about everything. When I called and cancelled the cruise I broke down twice while telling the story to the woman on the other end of the phone line. I made this call while in my office and then promptly went home for the day. (It pays to own your own business where you can occasionally work from home!) I was ruined. We had talked of this cruise just days before she went in the hospital. We had looked forward to the break in the mundanity of the work schedules we both had and to relaxing in the sun.
Fast forward to last week. I began a search for a card I knew she kept in her wallet. I went to her purse and pulled everything out of it again. No card. I looked through a travel portfolio we each had and didn't find it there. I looked through the shelves and the various storage places she had but it was nowhere to be found. Then I found a wallet that she had placed on a back shelf. I recognized this wallet as our cruise wallet. I was sure the card wasn't there but pulled it out anyway. The only thing in the card section was a stack of my personal business cards. I knew this to be our cruise wallet because she would stash cash in it to save for our trips. And, as a surprise, I would sneak in there and add some to it so we would have more spending money than she expected. Just before I put the wallet up I slid my fingers into the back section in case she had chosen to store the card I was searching for there. There was no card. Instead I found cash. Cold. Hard. Cash. And not just a little either. She had already saved over half of the money she had expected we would need for the trip. I had discovered a hidden treasure. Cash that would pay for a future trip. Only, there would be no future trip.
Most people get excited when they find money laying around. It had the opposite effect on me. There was enough money here for me to take another weekend trip away. There was money enough to buy me a piece of furniture I had been looking for. There was cash in my hand that would let me landscape the yard. There were enough bills to buy me anything I had thought about saving up for these last few months. There was only one thing that I couldn't buy with that money. I couldn't buy any more time with my wife or my daughter. The Beatles told us that money can't buy you love and they were right. (But, no, you can't have it!)
If you have been reading my blog for awhile then this next statement is something you have heard from me before and you will hear it again. If you are a first time visitor to my blog, welcome, and listen if you will to just a little advice. There are some things money cannot buy. We know that better than knowing that 15 minutes can save you on you car insurance. But sometimes it bears repeating. Don't waste your time on things that don't matter. Family matters. Let them know before you are forced to face the misfortune I have had to face. Look each person in your family in the eye and let them know how much you love them. And then tell them why you love them. Don't let that chance pass you by. Please. PLEASE.
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