If you've ever lost a loved one then you know there are days that are tougher than others. Some are explainable such as holidays and birthdays and some are just what a friend of mine called "blue days." In many cases I would rather face the special days than the blue days because you are prepared. As a matter of fact, the preparation for those days are often worse than the actual days themselves. That's why, sometimes, the second year is worse than the first because you think, "I've been through this before. I've got this." But then the day hits you and, because you didn't spread the pain out over several days, it becomes a huge load. Then there are days that you know will be bad and no amount of preparation is enough.
If you've ever lost a loved one then you understand. But if you've lost a loved one and then lose the one who shared your grief... This is tough. The emotions flood over you and the one person that you had to hold and cry with is no longer there. You want to scream. You want to kick, hit, scratch. Angry Me shows up and he ain't leaving for awhile. Prayer helps. Both mine and those praying for me (thank you). But prayer doesn't hold you in tangible arms. Prayer doesn't kiss the tears away. Prayer doesn't snuggle up and fall asleep in your arms. So, what do I do? I pray. I pray because it's all I have left.
This evening I wanted desperately to not attend my church small group. Angry Me wanted to be halfway through a bottle searching for the worm. But I couldn't. God only knows why, but I had volunteered to help pick up one of my little ones and bring him home while his mom prepared for a bunch of adults seeking The Case for Christ. God only knows why, but I invited friends to join us and I couldn't very well not be there when they showed up. Well, maybe God isn't the only one to know. Tonight I got to hold a little one for much of the evening. I got hugs from a dozen friends that wanted to make my pain all go away. And, while it didn't go away, it at least dropped to a dull throb.
Tonight I'm hoping the sandman finds me early. I'm hoping that the morning sun will help me rise and get my chores done. I'm hoping that my trip to the cemetery, and to another special place to honor my daughter who has not been by my side for 8 years, will not overwhelm me. I'm praying that my getaway to see her friends and mine will be just what I need. And I'm praying that a good time will be had by all.
Please don't misunderstand me. I know that others will also mourn the day tomorrow. My daughter left an incredible legacy for one so young. Her friends have already begun to contact me. So have my friends. And my wife's friends. And I love them all and appreciate that they still remember the significance of February 5th. And the friends who will be occupying my long weekend, both new and old, will be doing so because they recognize the pain and share in it. And I know my in-laws and my family will also be mourning the loss of their grand-daughter, niece, and cousin. And their grief adds to mine, as mine does to theirs, as we all wish we didn't have to remember February 5th as having any significance.
The pain will be greater this time during my day. I know it will. I've accepted it. My wife, while we were going through struggles that married couples face told me that she never wanted to be separated from me because I was the only one that would know the significance of February 5th held in her heart. That no one would ever appreciate the struggle she went through the way I would. Well, now it's my turn. I get to face the struggle without her by my side and it does threaten to overwhelm me. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I am going bring flowers to my beautiful little girl alone. And, while my wife won't be there I know that the prayers of my friends and my family will be. And I know, thanks to them, Angry Me will stay at home this time.
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