Looking Forward in My Rear View Mirror

One advantage to blogging is that I get to journal my journey as I go. This means that I can look back in my "journal" and see how far I have come. And Facebook is quick to remind me to see where I was last year in my memories. As I get close to key dates I can read the sadness I felt facing my trials. I am quickly approaching one of those dates in just a couple of weeks. However I noticed something recently I hadn't noticed before. Much of what I have written over the years have been sad to read. And when I go and read them again a year, two, or even ten years later the tears flow again.

Recently I realized that after I get over this coming anniversary hurdle I will face a series of changes in my blog posts. And that makes going through the sad memories a little easier to take. You see, the anniversary of my daughter's passing may loom large in the windshield but just beyond that is the anniversary of my first date with my new forever. And my blog posts of two years ago are soon to pop up in my memory newsfeed. I look forward to reading that first blog post of joy next month. I know that to get to that post I'll be rereading a lot of the sad posts. But this time it is easier to read those because I know how the story ends - or at least how it continues.

I now am looking forward to reading the story of how we met and how my heart felt. It's kind of like watching a favorite classic movie all over again. You know how the movie goes but you look forward to watching it because the end of it always makes you feel good.

Today the Lord impressed on me that this is exactly the way we, as Christians, should view life. Scripture tells us in 2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." I don't believe this is telling us that we should turn our eyes from our troubles and pretend they aren't there. Instead I believe that this means that our ultimate focus should be our heavenly rewards.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

As I get excited to see the tables turn on the painful blog memories I will still read them. It just makes the present that much better. And, as I look at this life I can truly get excited as I get closer to the day that Christ returns or that I get to join Him. I've read the book. I know how it ends. We win!

Happy Birthday to Her

"Don't weep for me when I'm gone
Those who knew me know full well that in love and in laughter I lived as a prince
And in my heart of hearts, I served my calling
waiting for this time to come, when I would see my king"

Lyrics from Requiem for the Living by the Christian group Allies echo through my soul this morning. Today my late wife spends another birthday in heaven with our daughter and the children who never got to breathe the air of earth. Today she celebrates with our King, the King of Kings. And today finds me in a better place than I was during previous birthdays. I often wondered how people move on with their lives when their purpose for breathing is gone. For me it was extremely difficult. I would live my life as full as I possibly could during the days and sob myself to sleep at night. Nothing could replace this gift that God had given me. He knew exactly what He was doing when He put her in my life. He knew she would fill in the gaps of my weaknesses and help me to be a better servant. She was a perfect fit and nothing would ever be able to fill that spot... but in the words of the great Lee Corso, "Not so fast my friend."

When the rib was pulled from the body of Adam to make his bride it left a gap, a longing to be complete again. When Wanda was ripped from my side it took more than rib, it took most of what was left of my heart. And, as with Adam, it left a longing to be complete again. I truly believed that I would find happiness again - but only when I reached heaven and got to see my King of Kings. As with Adam, He knows that we need to be complete. Sometimes we can find that completeness only in Him. And sometimes He finds that one to fill that gap that fits perfectly.

When we are in pain we often tend to self medicate. Why go see the doctor when you have leftover medicine from your last visit six years ago? And, when we treat ourselves versus seeing a physician we often make things worse because we are not truly skilled in the art of diagnosis and treatment. Pain in our heart is the same way. We would rather try to fix it on our own versus seeing the Great Physician. During the time after having my insides torn from me, I tried a number of home remedies. While some of those remedies bandaged nicely, they were not what the Physician recommended. It wasn't until I totally turned the healing over to Him that I got prescribed the most wonderful cure imaginable.

So, here I sit, facing yet another year of celebrating my late wife's birthday without her. Feelings tumble in my mind as I alternate between feeling the loss of that love in my life, feeling the joy that comes from the new love in my life, to feeling of guilt for feeling either. This is gut level honesty here my dear reader. This is something you don't understand if you haven't been there yourself. Even stranger yet, this is something you don't understand if you HAVE been yourself.

Today I am complete again. The hole that was in my heart was larger than I realized. Thinking back again to the medical, when a wound is repaired by a physician the hole isn't simply sewn up. First the dead tissue around the would must be excised. I thought the hole in my heart was all that needed to be filled. So I looked for something to fit that hole. But the Great Physician knew better. He increased the size and changed the shape of the hole by removing the dead tissue that surrounded it first. Then he found the perfect fit for the new hole.

Perhaps that is what needs to happen in your life. And perhaps that surgery will be multi-faceted and take a long time to achieve. And perhaps that only thing that will fit that hole is the Great Physician Himself. Since I cannot give her a gift, I pray that God will give you that gift on Wanda's birthday and make this Christmas the best in years.

Merry Christmas and Happy birthday in Heaven to my Wanda where you get to spend it with your King of Kings - the greatest gift of all.

Away beyond the manger

During this time of year we recall the story laid out for us so well in Luke Chapter 2. We think of sweet baby Jesus laying in a manger. And we always think of Jesus as this cherubic blonde headed, blue-eyed baby lying quietly on a soft bed of hay. But I’m sure that was not the case. There is a very real possibility that baby Jesus came into this world with dark skin and brown eyes. He was most definitely covered in afterbirth, umbilical cord still attached as they used whatever rudimentary tools they had on hand to take care of cleaning him and making him presentable to the world. And I’m sure Mary must have wondered during the weeks of morning sickness and the pain of childbirth that surely Christ was not supposed to enter the world this way. But he had to. He had to suffer the all things this world presented him.

But, before you go to thinking I have just ruined the picture of Christmas for you I ask you to picture this. This precious child lying in a manger as the angels form a line from heaven to earth to see God’s only begotten son. I can imagine them standing over him with tears in their angel eyes and smiles on their Angel faces brighter than the stars above. I imagine them hovered around him with excited angel whispers about their king. Each stretching to see over the other to see God come to earth.

This is the picture that got me to thinking, who did he look like? He had to have his mother’s features but what about his father? He couldn’t look like Joseph. Did people look at him and say how much he looks like his mom? And what about as he grew?

As we watch our own children grow we see them change in appearance. Some days looking more like mom and other days like dad. And this line of reasoning got me to thinking of how we are all sons and daughters of our Lord. And while I carry features from both biological parents, is that what I want people to see?

Lord forgive me when people look at me and don’t say that I look more and more like my Heavenly Father every day. And please help me to reflect you on a daily basis so that when I finally cross through those pearly gates no ID is required because I want them to look at me and immediately know that I am related to you. That I am your child. That I look just like you.

Turning WHY into why

I remember when I turned the corner. When I had the chance to actually see what was in my future and make steps to get there. I didn't run to my future. I limped along. But I was moving forward at least. 

Shortly after losing my daughter I was attending a concert. The band was a Christian band and I'm sure they were good, but I couldn't tell you who all was there. I was lost in the fog. Not the fog generated by the machines on stage, but in a mental fog. A grief cloud hung over me and nothing was burning it off.  So right there in the middle of the concert I bowed my head and prayed a prayer that I had prayed before. But this time it was different. 

When we face trials in life we often tend to ask God, why. Why me Lord? Why are you putting me through this? Most often it is a scream. WHY??? That was my prayer from the day that we took our daughter to the hospital and walked out without her. It was my prayer at the concert. But this time I asked God a little differently. I asked Him why, but I asked Him from my heart. I knew there had to be a reason. This time my WHY was really a question and not just a heart's cry. I asked God to please show me what the good was that was supposed to come out of this tragedy. I wanted to know how He could use this to help me and help others. So, instead of a scream, I simply whispered, why. 

Acts 2:17 says, "In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams." I don't consider myself a young man by any stretch of the imagination nor do I think we are truly in the last days. But I do believe that God can send down His Spirit. That evening, in the middle of the concert, He did. I saw a vision just as clear as the device you are reading this on. And this was my vision:

I was walking on the second floor hall of what I can only describe as some sort of temple. The floor was made of gray stone and the walls of a beige color. Much like the stucco walls you see on a number of buildings these days. To my right were rooms with no doors, simply doorways. To my left were archways which allowed someone to see from the second floor into the courtyard of the floor below. Each of the archways were covered by a thick curtain that blocked the view. Walking beside me was Jesus and we were having a conversation. I'm not sure what we talked about before then but I remember the conversation led toward my asking Him what He wanted out of this. Well, I had that thought in my head, but what actually came out of my mouth was, "Why?" Jesus looked at me with compassion and said, "You want to know why? Let me show you why." Then He took me over to the archway and pulled the curtain back. He pointed to the floor below. It was filled with hundreds of people. Praises were being sung and hands were lifted. Then He looked at me and said, "You want to know why? That is why." I was confused and looked at Him. "I don't understand." Then He said, "Do you see those people down there? Every single one of them is here, in Heaven, worshipping God, because of Beth." He went on to explain that what I had gone through and my sharing her story led to each of those people getting to experience a relationship with Christ. Some of them directly. Most of them indirectly. 

I recently had the opportunity to talk to a group of young men about facing tragedy and maintaining the faith. I don't do what I do because I'm strong. Quite the opposite. I am weak. But in my weakness He is made strong. At the end of my talk with these gentlemen I asked them to imagine themselves there as I walked and talked with Christ. Then I asked them, are you one of the hundreds? Or, by telling this story, could you be responsible for one of the hundreds. What about you, my dear reader? Where do you see yourself? Are you looking down at the faces below and recognizing a few of them? Or are you looking up and seeing me and Jesus in the opening?

I have a new question why now. Why did God choose to bless me with this opportunity? A friend asked me if I had to do it all over again would I be able to do it. Was it worth it? For me, regardless of the pain,it will be. It has to be. This time we have here on this earth is so minute compared to eternity. I will get to see Beth and I will get to see Wanda again. And, thanks to my Beth and her mom and being able to share our story, so will thousands of others. 

I now question God about the blessings He has given me, a filthy sinner. I do not deserve to be a husband again. I don't deserve to be a part of a family like I am now. I didn't deserve to be blessed with a second love of my life. But I have been. And I wake up every day and thank God for his grace. 

Each of us has the potential to have our own courtyard full of people. And each of those people could have their own courtyard. Exponentially we can all make an eternal difference for the Kingdom of Heaven. 

We just have to let God turn our WHY into why. 

Put Me In Coach

The last time I took such a long break in my blog entries it was for the worst of reasons. I was at the lowest point of my life and had no one to share with but my readers. Just as I had learned to hit the fastball after all of these years, life threw me a curve and, not only did I go down swinging, I looked foolish doing it. So I went through a stretch where I just refused to step up to the plate. Sure, I found myself in the on deck circle with plenty of opportunities to move into the batters box, but I never felt like I was ready. Then my name was announced and they began to play my walk-up song. At the time that song was Toby Mac's song Move (Keep Walking). I was motivated. I was determined. And I knew I could hit the curve. 

I was wrong. 

Determination goes a long way in life. I can be determined to be an All-Star baseball player but without the training and skills it's never going to happen. I had the desire to be all that God wanted me to be. And I had reached the place in my life where I was seeing the curves, but I still did not know how to connect. That's when God had me realize that sometimes you have to lay off of certain pitches and wait for yours. So I waited. And I let Him train me to identify what my pitch was.

When you train for any event you have to start with the basics and work your way up to facing live competition. In baseball it is batting practice. So God put me through batting practice. He allowed me to see the curves and recognize which ones were my pitches and which ones were not. Some curves were in the strike zone, but they weren't "my pitch" no matter how good they looked. So I learned patience. Finally, He saw I was ready. 

I stepped up in this game and the walk-up song had changed. It was now telling my heart to beat again. So with determination and training I was ready. And then I saw it. The most beautiful curves I had ever seen. With eyes wide open I stepped into the pitch and I connected. At first I was stunned that I had made any contact at all. Then I saw that I had hit this one out of the park. 

I'm circling the bases now. And I've finally been able to make it home again. 

It feels good. 

We All Need Somebody to Lean On

Every so often God will reveal to me something new in the scriptures. Not newly written of course, but a new revelation within scripture I've probably read a hundred times. One of those times happened recently while reading the story of Ruth. Typically the focus of Ruth for me has been her faithfulness to Naomi and the fact that Boaz took care of her. But this particular time my focus became HOW Boaz took care of her. If you recall, Ruth had no one to care for her and her former mother-in-law, Naomi. So she took to the fields to work among the women there. I would recommend you read Ruth Chapter 2 but pay particular attention to this part of the chapter:
“At mealtime Boaz said to her, “Come over here. Have some bread and dip it in the wine vinegar.” When she sat down with the harvesters, he offered her some roasted grain. She ate all she wanted and had some left over. As she got up to glean, Boaz gave orders to his men, “Let her gather among the sheaves and don’t reprimand her. Even pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up, and don’t rebuke her.” So Ruth gleaned in the field until evening. Then she threshed the barley she had gathered, and it amounted to about an ephah. She carried it back to town, and her mother-in-law saw how much she had gathered."

What Boaz did for Ruth probably differs from what we often would feel lead to do for someone in need. Boaz did not give her barley that was gathered already. Nor did he give her barley that had already been threshed. Instead he had work left for her to do to allow her to take care of her mother-in-law and herself.

There were two takeaways I got from this. First, taking care of those in need doesn't always mean giving them what they need. Instead it can mean providing them the opportunity to get what they need if they are capable of doing it themselves. Countless times I see people with their cardboard signs saying they will work for food. We drive past them believing that they don't want to actually work but that they want a handout instead. So rather than asking them to help wash windows or mow a yard or mend something that is broken we travel down the road with our self righteousness buckled into the seat beside us. Perhaps God doesn't want us to give them a handout, but perhaps God doesn't want us to ignore them either. Just giving them the benefit of the doubt is all they really need.

My own personal mantra has been that I don't mind helping people in need, but I refuse to help needy people. Sometimes we don't get the breaks. Sometimes life throws us a curve while we were sitting on a fastball. I've been there. You've been there. The encouraging word, a meal, a hug, or just someone to listen to is often all we need to get through. Other times we need that handout to get us right again.

Recently I have had the opportunity to help a family in need. They are deep in debt and saw no sign of getting out. But they didn't come to me asking for a handout. They realized that their position was caused by their mistakes. They wanted help to not make those mistakes again all while doing the right thing and cleaning up after themselves. Rather than mope about how bad things were they began to see that, with a lot of hard work, they could get out of this mess. And I'm proud of the progress they've made in just a few months. By allowing them to gather for themselves they received value for their work.

My second takeaway is how we oftentimes don't recognize those opportunities when God gives them to us. We ask for food on our table so He gives us a job. We ask for His help in finding a mate and He shows us a Sunday School class to join. We ask for so many things and, when He gives us the opportunity to do the things necessary to get what we ask for, we ask Him why He doesn't want to answer our prayers.

Perhaps we should ask Him for direction and for the wisdom and ability to recognize those chances when they present themselves. Finding your mate, your job, your house or that big stack of money you've been looking for may be easier than you first expected. Seeking first His kingdom would be a great starting point. Then asking God for the opportunity to bless others and for His help in recognizing those opportunities when they show up should be a daily prayer. After we ask Him to use us to bless others then we can ask Him to recognize the path to the blessings He has for us.

I don't know why this revelation of scripture came to me or who else it might have been for, but I do know that it was meant for more than just me. I pray that it sits well with you and maybe even makes a difference in how you look at life. I know it has mine. And He has begun a good work in me. And He will continue to perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
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Alone again

Last night I learned a lesson. It was one that I thought I knew before but the view I got was completely different this time. I was alone. All by myself in a sea of people. I chose to end a long day by relaxing at a sporting event. Alone. I went by myself. Sat by myself. Cheered by myself. Left by myself. Yes, tonight I was alone. But I wasn't lonely. And tonight I welcomed the difference. 

Just a year ago I felt what it was like to be lonely. What it was like to be in a large crowd but feel so alone. I didn't like it. Not one bit. To me, one who is very much a people person, there was a big reason that “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone." So I was so happy when He again found the helper who was a suitable mate for me. 

But you, my dear reader, may not be there. You may not know what it is like to be alone without being lonely. You may be struggling and asking yourself why you have to face this life alone. And the answer to that one question is the greatest gift I could give you. But, alas, it is not my gift to give. I wish that I could put a timetable on your loneliness. Some sort of red letter day to let you know that loneliness will end. I have not forgotten the pain of wanting desperately to hold someone special in your arms again. The actual physical ache that cannot be fully understood by someone else until they too have been through it. The end to my pain finally arrived. Yours will too. Even though you may feel that frustration. That sense of dread as you go to bed and lay your head on your tear soaked pillow wishing someone were there beside you. Even though you see no end to your days of trying to choke back that ever present lump in your throat as you write one name only on a return address. God sees it. God sees the red letter day. God sees that it is not good for you to be alone. And God has the timing already in place. 

For several years I lived in the same town as my new forever. Went to the same church. Shopped in the same stores. Frequented the same restaurants. So many times our paths came ever so close to crossing. But they didn't. They didn't cross until God wanted them to cross. I've said before that the Holy Spirit will bring you peace but the Holy Spirit cannot come down and hug you. He cannot physically entwine His fingers within yours. Cannot reach His foot over in bed and find yours in the middle of the night. But He can bring you someone who will. He WILL bring you someone. Like Adam, you may have to set about the task of naming animals. You may have to set your mind on the tasks that God has assigned to you rather than on what is missing, but eventually you will look up and see that special someone just waiting to help you with that task. And in that moment, whether it is a sudden flame or a slow boil, you will know. 

It is not good for him to be alone. It is worse for him to be lonely. Thank God for the suitable helper. Now may the God who brought me mine bless you with yours. 

In His timing. 

Image via creation.com

If You're Happy and You Know It...

The other day my wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Over the last ten years my answer has been the same; What I truly want I cannot have. I wanted more time with my daughter. Another day with my wife of 26 years. Another chance to see the things I took for granted. A chance to see the things I would never experience.

Christmas without people in your life that were responsible for shaping you into the person you are today can be tough. I have two very close friends who are learning what it is like to not be able to call home and wish Mom a happy birthday. Or Merry Christmas. Or just to say I love you. They, like me, are having to unwrap presents that contain a little bit of sadness during the holidays.

But for me, that has become the ghost of Christmas past. 2016 was an incredible year for me. One of utter joy - and not just because the Cubs won the World Series! This year there is a little more joy in shopping. This year I don’t have to leave my shopping cart in the middle of the aisle and go somewhere to compose myself. This year I don’t have to force myself to stop when the gift tags say “from Uncle Kevin” only. This year God has blessed me with an incredible gift. This year I get to wrap and unwrap joy!

Perhaps this is a year of sadness for you. Maybe this year it is hard to focus on the good that seems so small in comparison to the bad. And maybe you are facing the holidays with dread rather than joyous anticipation. Well I’m here to tell you to STOP. But hear me out. Stop worrying that you are ruining Christmas for everyone else. Stop thinking it is wrong to mourn your losses during a joyous season. Just be where you are in your journey down your personal road of grief. It’s perfectly okay to miss a loved one. And you can still find joy in the season.

So, what do I really want for Christmas? What do you get a man who now has everything he could ever want? God has blessed me again with an incredible woman and two equally awesome girls that I fell in love with almost as quickly as I did their mother. He has given me a chance to not take things for granted as I live my life with these ladies. I will get to see weddings, graduations, babies being born and other wonderful miracles that I thought I would never get the chance to witness. He has definitely treated me, over my entire lifetime, better than I deserve to be treated.

As I review the blog posts I have made over these last several years I have seen the same theme you have. I have cooked up a dish of grief and sadness. Left alone it is a bitter dish. So I have seasoned it with occasional laughter. I’ve stirred in rare bits of happiness to add just a little taste. Sprinkled it with my love for the Father. Set the oven on high heat and let it cook for as long as God has wanted. But what has been pulled from the oven is something I hope you found pleasing to your palate. 

It has been a journey of a thousand miles but God has managed to get me there in as few steps as possible. While in future blogs I hope you will realize that I will never forget those who were a part of my journey, but my focus will always be where God wants to take me. And I couldn’t be more thrilled with who He has along for the ride!

My prayer for you, dear reader and friend, is that God will bless you with the joy He has given me in 2016. I pray that He overflows your cup with goodness and mercy. I pray that the memories you have will be memories you will pass on to your children and their children. I pray peace over you and I pray that God gives you a smile at least half as big as the one He has placed on my face.

Birthday cake in heaven?

 

Do they have cake in heaven? How do you celebrate? Do you spend it with your mom and Papaw Warren and Granny or friends you've made up there? Are you celebrating your 25th or are you perpetually 15 like you are down here? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Did you get mom to bake you your favorite? What shape did you make the cake? Have you tried the manna yet? How about the sweet milk and  honey? Does the food there have calories? Does candy rot your teeth? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Do you get to drive on the streets of gold to the bakery or can you fly? Are the butterfly decorations real butterflies that hover above the roses like they do here searching for you? Has anyone explained déjà vu to you yet? These are just a few of the questions I have for you. 

Do they have cake in heaven? Is your guest list long? Is Mom letting you have friends over? Have you made many friends? Does Jesus stop by now and then? Did you invite Moses, David, Esther or Noah? Do angels hang the decorations? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Do they let you light candles or is the fire reserved for another place?! Do they use the trick candles up there? Do you get to stay up way past your bedtime? Do you even have a bedtime in heaven? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Do you get presents? What do you want for your birthday? What can I get a girl who truly has everything she could ever want? Can you get flowers up there? Is there a FedEx delivery service? What about GPS in case I need to get to you? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Do you have time to miss us down here? Do you know how much we miss you? Do you think you could let us hear you laugh one more time? Maybe see you smile? Can you visit us in our dreams and let us hold you like before? These are just a few of the questions I have for you.

Do they have cake in heaven? Can you save a slice for me? Do you like how happy I am knowing where you are? Do you know how sad I am that you're not here? Do you know that the minute you left I longed to join you? Do you know that God had a bigger plan for me here? Do you know how happy He has made me with the gifts he has given me in my new earthly family? These are just a few of the questions I have for you. 

Do they have cake in heaven? Do you love your step-sisters as much as I do? Do you love my wife for the happiness she brings me? Do you love that God has brought me into a new family just like He did you? Has anyone explained déjà vu to you yet?These are just a few of the questions I have for you. 

Yes, they have cake in heaven. I know that they do. I know you are smiling as you enjoy another piece. I know you are saving a piece for me and a place for me at your table just as Christ saved a place for you at His. I know that you and mom are responsible for God directing my new forever into my life. I know that you want me to be happy and I know you are okay with my being sad. I know you know I miss you and that the rest of your family does too. I know you still paint the sunsets for me and send the butterflies my way. I know that you have made my life sweeter than it ever could have been without you. These are just a few of the answers I have for you.

Enjoy your cake in heaven. I'll enjoy my life down here. I'll think of you and miss you daily and look forward to our great reunion. My shoes will be squeaking as I run down those golden avenues to your door. I'll swing your door wide open and sing Happy Birthday at the top of my lungs to make up for all the ones I've missed. These are just a few of the things I'll do for you. 

Missing in Action: What takes us away from that we know?

Where have you been? 

Just the other day I had a friend ask me if she had missed a blog I had written. (It turns out that someone actually does follow these musings.) I told her that I had not written anything for awhile but promised to get back to it soon. Well, here I am getting back to it.

Why the absence? Why haven’t I penned anything for you to laugh or cry over? That’s a really good question. Why does any writer go through periods of not writing anything? Why does an artist not paint, a songwriter not compose, or sculptor not shape something from nothing? Come to think of it, why does a writer write, an artist paint, a composer compose, and a sculptor sculpt anyway? What inspires them? 

In ancient Greece a Muse was that entity that was considered the source of the arts. It was generally understood that there were nine Muses, each with their own domain. If I were to truly follow this mythology then I would rely on any number of them. Euterpe was the Muse for Music, Song and Lyric Poetry. So for the poems that I have written she would’ve been my Muse. Erato was the Muse for Love poetry so there are times I would reach out to her. Thalia, the Muse for Comedy, would also occasionally be consulted. But the Muse I would have spent the most time with would’ve been Melpomene. She was the Muse of tragedy.

In today’s terms I would say that for the longest time my Muse was a lady named Grief. She walked with me everywhere. She slept beside me and scripted my dreams. She was there waiting for me with a big cup of sorrow in the mornings. And there were times I drank deeply. But this Muse has taken a back seat of late. She has been replaced by a Muse that has caused me to reach out in other manners. Sure, I continue to write, but now I write personal notes. This Muse, Love, has shown me other ways to express myself. And, as she continues to work her way into my heart and fill up the cracks, crevices, and ravines, I find that I can write again but with words that bring tears of a different flavor. Tears of love and tears of joy are so much sweeter than tears of grief and bitterness. And while the tears of grief may still occasionally come, the overwhelming aroma of the tears of love and joy soon bring sweetness back to my life.

So forgive me for not being as faithful to my blog as I had thought that I would be. I’m busy being faithful to someone else.

How do those tears taste?

I thought I could, I thought I could

Yes it has been awhile since I've written. Blog posts that focused on the sad came easy. So since I'm happier than I've been in a few years that must be the reason for a blog-less month. Honestly, that is far from the truth. I've obviously found someone else. Someone who I would rather spend my time with than the blogosphere. I paid a hefty price to get where I am but I am happier now. Sharing the weight of grief for 7 years pushed true happiness aside. Hefting the weight of that grief on my own shoulders for two years flushed happiness down the crapper! While there have been happy moments and there has always been joy in the Lord, I haven't truly been able to be happy for almost ten years. 

Ten years. That's a freaking long time. But happiness has returned wrapped up in a beautiful package. And it should be smooth sailing from here now that I'm happy again. Birds are singing. Butterflies dance around me. Flowers are blooming brighter... Yeah, right. 

In legalistic terms my wife and I got married July 30th. In more realistic terms, a merger and acquisition occurred. Two became one, or two, or three. And it all began more or less after the honeymoon. My wife knew that she was getting a gentle soul that loved to snuggle. She knew that my moving in with her would bring joy and peace and contentment to her days and evenings. What she didn't reckon on was that I would also be bringing with me a freight train. You see, on the first morning we woke up together she smiled at me and told me that I snored a little but that she thought it was sweet because she could gently nudge me and I would stop. Fast forward to the next night and I'm suddenly being hovered over by this face two inches from mine as she violently shakes me and a voice I had never heard from her lovely lips came out "KEVIN, you have GOT to quit SNORING." Or words to that effect. I wasn't fully awake so I may be misremembering a little bit. 

No one is at their best when faced with a lack of sleep. It turns out I have not been at my best because I have not been sleeping well for a number of years. Now my beloved is beginning to share with me that pain. And, being the incredible woman that she is she has yet to banish me to the couch. Instead she has gotten up while I've been riding the Polar Express and climbed onto the couch herself. In fact, the only major argument we have had the entire time we have been married is over who gets to sleep on the couch when the little engine that could rounds the bend. And, being the giving person she is the argument has been about who gets to sleep on the couch rather than who has to. 

Like any good business merger there has to be a little give and take. I must believe that we are off to a good start when we both are trying to give rather than take. I'm praying that this will continue for the rest of our lives. Mergers can be painful to all as we adjust to another person's way of living, eating, relaxing, sleeping, or trainspotting. But as we both learn to tell our hearts to beat again we will one day find them beating in rhythm with one another. 

For my dear readers who did not get to attend the ceremony I invite you to watch at least the first ten minutes of it here. But I also encourage you to watch all 34 minutes of the story of hope and restoration we want you to hear. 

https://youtu.be/UN2mX0k1fic

I'm Gonna Love You Forever

Two rights don't make a wrong. That recently invented phrase of mine has been bouncing around my brain for about a week now. I knew it had to be the title of a blog post but I wasn't sure how to put it. What was the blog supposed to be about exactly? Where was my focus and, more importantly, what is it that I want you, my favorite reader, to take from a such a post? I don't write my blog solely for me (although at times it sure feels like it). So if I am to subject you to another of my musings what thought is it that I want you to ponder upon completion of this tome?

Anyone who has known me these past few years or more knows how much I love my Wanda and My Beth. And, yes, I did use the present tense of the word rather than the past. I will always love my family. They were so right for me. A perfect fit. Well, it became a perfect fit after we whittled away a few rough edges. Mine more than theirs. Then came the days when all that was right went wrong. I had my Mrs. Right and we had our perfect daughter. So when I lost them I lost all that was right in my world. 

And then came my new forever. 

I have again been blessed with a Mrs. Right. Well, a soon to be Mrs. Right. And she is blessing me with the opportunity to have two children to call family. So I have been doubly blessed in regards to daughters, or step-daughters if you must. I'm thankful that the girls have a father that still cares for them and I'm very thankful he feels comfortable with my being their step-father. These beautiful girls are the pretty ribbon on this incredible package the Lord has chosen to send me again.  

How is it that you know when you've found the one again? I cannot speak for you. I knew it quickly. But I also remember the night that I turned the corner. While I know that I will forever love my first love, an event that occurred the other evening let me know that my heart will never be the same. You see, I have professed my love to my new forever. I have asked her to marry me and received the response I was hoping for. But I think there was a little concern that she would be compared to the first Mrs. Right. And the other night I guess I did. But in a good way. 

When you lose someone you love it is like a part of you has been amputated. You reach for the limb that once was there only to be reminded that it isn't. And you still feel the ghosts pains of what was once there. But I have to believe (but I haven't asked so I don't know for sure) that there has to be a time when a prosthetic limb becomes so natural that you don't long for what was but focus instead on what is. And you find that you function quite well with the prosthesis. It has become a part of you. 

For almost two years I would climb in my bed and, out of habit, reach my foot over to find my first love. At times, and I remember this very vividly, my arms would literally ache to be holding her. Earlier this week I climbed in bed and felt that same ache. But this time was different. This time they ached to be holding the new forever. And, although we have yet to spend that night together where that feeling can become a reality, we are getting so much closer. 

My new forever no longer feels like a prosthesis. I can't say she ever really did. She brings me the joy that God gave her to bring me. She lights up my world in completely different ways. She has shown me a future that is full of opportunity. She has become someone to share in my faith and to serve with. I have learned so much from her and look forward to seeing what we can get accomplished together. 

But I have determined that she is no longer my new forever. Instead she will just be my forever. And I like that. 

Our house, is a very very fine house

I'm sorry to say that I sat under the leadership of one pastor for a year and the one thing that I can remember him saying that stuck out more than anything was this: "There are three things I hate in this life and moving is all three of them!"

Anytime you move there are emotions. And the longer you remain in one place the more difficult. The very walls of the house seem to absorb the memories that occurred there. Each trinket you pack up, picture you take down from the wall, piece of paper with crayon writing on it can move you to smiles and quickly to tears. 

This old house of mine holds many memories. Mostly good. Two of which were very bad. So moving for me is very bad and very good at the same time. Moving gives me a chance to start afresh. To take the wonderful lessons I learned about being a husband and a father, learn from them, and then try to be an even better husband and better (step)dad than I was before. 

Over the past month I have been working on getting my home ready to go on the market. According to the realtor there are some things I need to do to make the house easier to sell. One of those things is to de-personalize the house. In other words, turn what once was a home into a house so that someone else can turn it into their home. 

When anyone moves there is a certain emotional equity you will lose. You will not get all of that equity back out of your house when you leave. Memories of lying on the trampoline with my daughter looking up at the stars are merely memories never again to be repeated. Bed time prayers, devotional and Bible reading time are but a distant but deep seated memory. The bed is now bare. No pink comforter to fall asleep on while reading her The Hobbit. No sound of the gerbil running for eternity on the spinning wheel. Those have been memories that I would pick up and look at occasionally and place them right back where I found them. Now "where I found them" is gone. 

To say this has been emotional for me is akin to calling Niagara Fall s hill the local creek rolls over. Memories are shaken loose from where they had settled among my daughters clothes, her books, her stuffed animals. Like the gentle stirring of dust lying on undisturbed trinkets upon her shelf, some memories dance in the sunlight with the motes. Still others bring on a thunderstorm. Others offer to help only to find the motes dancing across their faces and activating allergies. How else can you explain the sudden well of tears in the eyes. 

Slowly I have packed up the memories. Some have been given away. Others placed in storage boxes for me to go through at a later time. Many have gone to new homes where I pray they will bring joy.

Alas, the emotions for this part of her world are not tied to her room alone as her presence is seen and felt throughout every room in the house. So as I go through the guest room where she stored her games in the closet and the study where she did school, as I move furniture from the room that has seen less living than ever before, while I pack away dishes and even sippy cups, and as I venture into the playroom where she entertained evening interlopers at slumber parties, there will continue to be memories. All of this on the heels of a second anniversary I never wanted to celebrate. 

I can get through this. It is for a worthy cause. You see, with every memory that brings on tears there is also a new memory to be made with my New Forever and her girls. They have brought new meaning to my life. The past looked bright with the memories. The future is beautifully illuminated with potential.

My first team did wonders at spreading joy and love wherever they went. Satan tried to put an end to the joy. But what Satan intended for evil God intends for good. My second team has taken the torch and has run with it all for the glory of God. 

I thank God everyday for the memories. And I thank him for the memories to come.  Because looking back on the past can be fun. But looking at where I'm going brings so much joy to my life. And it's a joy my first forevers have been longing for. For a long time for me. 

Is it over?

It has been longer between my blog posts than at any other time in the last two years. For those who have kept up with me on Facebook you know why. Preparing for my new forever is consuming my time. And I love it.

I've never been one to question why. I haven't dropped to my knees asking God why He would do this to me or allow me to go through these grief events. But now I must ask Him. Why would you consider this sinner worthy enough to blessed not once, but twice with a love as wonderful as I have? I know what I deserve. The wages of sin are death. But God has given me the gift of eternal life. When does that eternal life begin? It already has. And God has blessed me throughout this Pilgrim's Progress. 

My journey isn't over. My grief is still there. But God has blessed me with a woman who wants to know how best to minister to me when I'm having one of those moments. How cool is that? And how incredible is that woman? I will still have my moments but God has a new forever planned for me and I'm excited to see what this journey has in store for me. 

In conclusion I want to ask one question. And this question goes out to my first forever:

Did you bend God's ear?

Tell Him I didn't need to be alone.

Did you show Him my tears?

Tell Him to make my house a home?

Did you whisper my name?

Like you would in my ear. 

Did you look at my scars?

Tell Him that I needed her near.

Did you tug on his hem?

The way you tugged at my heart

Did you take my pen?

And write her name in the stars.

Did you cry at my pain?

And beg Him to answer

Can you hear my refrain?

I need to know, Did you send her?

Have you seen the beginning?

And tell me, how about the end?

Do you see me winning?

As I've found hope once again.

Did you see one forever?

See it come to a bitter end.

Did you plan this new forever?

Did you bring me love again?

She doesn't love me like you do

She has her own special way

No better or worse than you

I know my new forever is here to stay

There's no way this was chance

And I think those around will concur

So my question to this day still stands.

Did you send her?

How did you find the one?

The one to fill up my heart.

I guess you simply asked the Son

And that is the best place to start.

A woman of beauty and grace you have found

A blessed man I must surely be

And finally from this home comes a sound

As mourning becomes dancing with glee

I've never asked God why.

Why would He let me suffer so.

But now I guess I must try

To wrap my mind around what I know.

I now have a question I seek

One that has been filling my brain

Why did He choose to let me be?

Blessed beyond measure again. 

So, my first forever, let me say

If you've had a hand in my world since you've gone

You've witnessed above as I pray

And you've sent such a beautiful one

As I end this silly little rhyme

I guess I don't have to wonder

So I won't ask you one more time

Because I'm sure that you sent her

Do you think she will mind?

What would you think if I told you I met someone and felt an instant connection? Someone that I took out only two weeks after I first met her and couldn't take my eyes off of her. What if I told you I professed my love to her within a week? And that I planned to marry her shortly after that. What would you tell me? That it's too fast? That I need to plan it out. Slow it down. It's too soon. What if I told you that it was right and nothing you could say would make me change my mind? Would you call me foolish behind my back? Would you expect it to end as quickly as it began? You know, if I were in your shoes I would probably be thinking the same thing. But I'm not in your shoes. I'm in mine and I know what my heart wants no matter how quickly it happens. 

Now what if I told you that you were too late to change my mind? My decision has been made and I know that I'm supposed to be with this woman until death do us part. And what if I told you that she makes me the happiest man alive? Would you tell me to be cautious? What if I told you that the relationship that started so quickly burned brightly for 26 years? Until death did us part. Still feel like it is a bad decision?

Do you recognize the name Roy C. Sullivan? It's not exactly a household name. Roy C. Sullivan was a man who was struck by lightning and survived. Surviving a lightning strike is pretty incredible. Surviving a lightning strike twice is almost unheard of. Surviving a lightning strike SEVEN times puts you in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Does being with someone new make all the old go away? Absolutely not. Will being with someone new make you no longer grieve your losses? Never gonna happen. Does being with someone new give you someone who will comfort you in your grief and help shoulder the load? I would certainly hope so. It would have to be someone very special though. So far I think she is. Could I be giving Mr. Sullivan a run for his money? I hope not seven times. But twice could happen. And if it does I pray that everyone understands. 

Especially Wanda.

DO YOU MIND

One thing weighs heavy on my mind.

One thing grips at my heart

One thing I kneed to know

It's about a brand new start

Do you mind if I give my heart to someone new

Do you mind? 

Do you mind if it beats for one who isn't you

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I try to love again

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I have a peace within

Do you mind?

I've met someone else

Someone to help me bear the pain

The pain of losing you forever

Someone helped me love again

Do you mind if I give my heart to someone new?

Do you mind? 

Do you mind if it beats for one who isn't you?

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I try to love again?

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I have a peace within?

Do you mind?

To the one who helped me love again

Something I need for you to tell

As I rise above the pain

I ask one thing of you as well

Do you mind if my heart was held by one?

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I cry for that which has been done?

Do you mind?

Do you mind cause it's just too much to bear?

Do you mind?

Do you mind that I'm asking you to share?

Do you mind?

So much came from so little

You can learn a lot from a little. The scripture tells us that if we simply had the faith of a mustard seed we could move a mountain. While some may see this as a sign of how little faith we have I prefer to look at it as to how much faith we could have. If faith can be as small as a mustard seed then imagine what faith the size of a sunflower seed or even a walnut could do. I began to think about seeds that have been planted in my life along the way. Then that led me to think about the very nature of seeds. And here is what I have learned. 

1. Not all seeds will produce what they were intended to produce immediately. 

A seed, once planted, takes some time to germinate. It must be watered and fed on a daily basis. Some seeds can sprout within a few days but more tend to sprout over a longer period of time. Why is this? Why don't all seeds germinate in the same length of time? When a seed is planted and watered it takes some time for the water and nutrients to work their way through the outer shell and into that portion of the seed that needs to activate. For some seeds with a soft shell the activation may happen sooner while harder shells may take a little while longer.

2. A seed must be planted in the right soil

Surrounded by bad soil, seeds may never grow. If they do grow the end result will usually wither and die. Surrounded by good soil a seed can grow and even flourish. 

What is planted in our hearts can be the same way. If we build up walls around our hearts like a thick shell we may keep the bad out but we also keep the good from reaching what God intended to grow there. 

3. Some seeds can be crushed but that doesn't mean they are useless

Sometimes a heart is broken and what's inside is exposed to a number of things. Some can be good. Some are not so healthy. If the unhealthy reaches the inside first, what grows will not be pretty and it will eventually die. But if it is exposed to good then something healthy can grow. But what if what has happened is so bad that the shell around your heart becomes too thick for anything to get through?  How can anything grow when the hurt has been so great that we would never consider letting the walls down?

4. Sometimes, even through the toughest shell, life can happen suddenly

When it comes to gardening there is a solution to the problem of getting a seed to produce quickly. Using a process called seed scarification the shells of the seeds can be shaved, sanded, or clipped to allow the nutrients to get to the heart of the seed more quickly. 

I believe sometimes God has to shave, sand, or clip our shells to get through to us. The blessings He has for you may not occur until after the pain has. It didn't for Job.

Would you consider letting God shave away that part of you that you have built up to keep the pain away?  What if He already has? Can you make a point of letting the  heart of your seed be exposed to all of that around you? Try it? Ask God to whittle away the bad and expose the heart to that which is good. When you do, you will be surprised at what can quickly sprout up from your heart.

I know I am. 

If only we had waited

After an emotional days this week that centered around cleaning out my wife's closet I had a discussion with a friend. The question came up that essentially focused on when too much is too much. Having suffered through the tragedies I have had to face, it is quite tempting to say that enough is enough. After all, how much is a man supposed to endure? 

The discussion turned to the book of Job. During the time of his testing Job never turned his back on God. He continued to believe even though his closest friends told him he was cursed by God. After all, hadn't God indeed cursed him? Hadn't God taken everything from Job? Didn't Job have every right to be angry with God? Yes. Yes he did. And was he angry with God? Yes he was. Was he wrong to be angry? No. Was he wrong to be angry at God? Again I think not. Was it good for him to be angry? Absolutely not. “Because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” James 1:20

However, God did not punish Job for his anger. Why not? Well the first and most obvious answer was that God had allowed Job to go through so much already that punishing him would have been unjust. Secondly, throughout the trials Job went through he did not sin. Ephesians 4:26 tells us: “"In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are angry."

So why did Job go through all that he went through. As I told my friend, personally I believe we go through trials for three reasons. 1.) The wages of sin is death. We reap what we sow. 2.) Satan attacks us unmercifully in an attempt to get us to take our eyes off of God. 3.) God allows us to go through things to help us grow and to be a witness for Him. And I don't think we are limited to just one of the three. I think at times we can have big ole heaping doses of all three at once!

We are always being selfish. Grief is a selfish emotion. But it is an emotion that God gives us and he knows what grief is like. When he heard that his friend Lazarus had died, he wept. It grieves his heart when we are in pain. He holds our tears in his hand. Let's look again at Job. He complained (something many people forget) but He never blames God. He asks God to take him and remove him from his pain but imagine if God had removed him from his pain. But what if God had answered his prayer? What if God had said that Job had gone through too much to ever be able to recover and just called him home?

The final chapter of Job shows us that God restored to him in greater measure all that he lost. But it does not tell us the timeline. That restoration may have begun immediately or several years later. Regardless, God rewarded Job's faithfulness. But if God had answered Job's prayer and taken him home he would never had the opportunity to experience the reward God had in store for him here on earth. 

If you read carefully you will find that the Lord didn't restore things to Job until after Job had prayed for forgiveness for his friend's folly. Even in his lowest moment Job put the needs of his friend's first by praying for God to forgive them. This has been, is, and always will be my goal. Put other's needs first and pray for them. My prayer for me? May God bless me with the wisdom to recognize when opportunities to be a blessing pop up. 

I don't pretend to have it all together. I don't call my blog the Life of the Perpetual Overcomer for no reason. Every day is a struggle. Some days greater than others. But my prayer is that God will be able to use my story to help others much as he used Job's story. My restoration may not happen this side of heaven and I'm perfectly okay with that. I'd rather store up my treasures elsewhere anyway. But restoration will occur in spite of my sin and in spite of how many times I let the Lord down. And that restoration may start tomorrow. So, tomorrow I will get up. I will make my bed. I will start my day because tomorrow could be the day...perpetually.   

Find out what it means to me

Respect. There are three ways to get respect from someone. Each one will give you a different type of respect. How you can best use that respect should go a long way in determining how you get that respect.

Earn it. When you earn someone's respect it is not done immediately. Respect that is earned is done so over time. Respect that is earned goes deeper than any other respect. Respect that is earned does not wear out over time. Nick Saban, whether you like him or not, has earned the respect of other college coaches, teams, and even fans. He doesn't win every game but, even if he loses one or even two games in a year you don't hear people yelling for his job. He earned respect by being consistent over the years. Players want to play for him regardless of where he coaches. He recognizes that respect is not a one time thing. Instead it is a lifelong feeling that will one day march him into hall of fame. Earned respect means that making a mistake occasionally is somewhat acceptable. No one demands that you be perfect. They may hope you are, but even when you aren't, the respect doesn't wane. 

Command it. Commanding someone's respect is a little different. Respect that is commanded is usually done in an authoritative manner when developing that respect takes more time than you have in a particular situation. Commanding respect can be seen when you explain to a person why you need something done in a particular time or manner. Ordering your food prepared a certain way can be an example of respect that is commanded. By telling your server that you want your steak well done you are commanding respect of that server as a customer. You are about to spend your money with them. You worked hard for that money. You should get what you pay for and nothing less. When you are commanding respect of someone in the right way you can find yourself getting even more than you expected. When you command respect in the wrong way then you will be fortunate to not receive an over cooked piece of jerky. The only thing worse than poorly commanded respect is the third way. 

Demand it. Demanding respect, while it is needed on very rare occasions, is the worst way to get respect. Respect that is demanded is the shallowest form of respect you will receive. It is fleeting at best. Demand respect of someone one time you may get what you asked for. Demanding respect of someone continually ensures you will either not get what you want or get more than you bargained for. The dictator of a small country may demand respect from his larger enemy but he shouldn't expect it. A boss who demands respect from her employees will find that she not only fails to get that respect but also has made earning or even commanding respect almost impossible. Employees will never respect someone who demands something of them that they are not given themselves. And any boss who demands respect is not really showing respect to the employees. 

Respect. To get it you must give it. Earn it when you can; command it when you must; and never try to demand it. 

I've had enough!

Sometimes i am weak and need help. Other times I can toss down my crutches and run relatively carefree. The latter of those times has become fewer and fewer the longer I live. I long for the days when I can run, laugh, and jump for joy. Where I can laugh at what life brings. The more I focus on my future with my King and my girls the better. But some days that isn't enough. In fact, some days it's never enough and that overwhelms me. Today was one of those days. So rather than regale you with a wonderful story or tips on how to overcome I just want you to see that we all struggle some times. But there is joy in knowing what waits for us on the other side. 

I wish I had been enough.

Enough to have handled all that life threw at you. 

Enough to have held you above the rising tides. 

Enough to protect you from the harshness of being. 

I wish I had been enough. 

Enough to help you through the loss

Enough to remove all the pain and tears. 

Enough to bring you the joy.

I wish I had been enough.

Enough smiles in times of trouble.

Enough strength to carry us both.

Enough faith to bring you your miracle.

I wish I had been enough.

Enough reason to fight.

Enough reason to live.

Enough reason to stay.

I wish I could be enough.

Strong enough to fight alone.

Brave enough to live for you.

Bold enough to live for Him.

I am not enough.

Enough of a man to keep from crying.

Enough of a man to keep on trying.

Enough of a man to keep on fighting.

I want to be enough.

Enough to bring joy.

Enough to stand strong against the tides.

Enough for someone to love. 

I'll never be enough. 

Enough on my own.

Enough to save myself.

Enough without Him.

He is my enough.

Enough strength to bring strength to my weakness.

Enough grace to wash over my sins.

Enough love to help me...

Be enough. 

Somebody needs a nap

If you have read through the Holy Bible at anytime in your life you have probably read the Easter story. Not just the crucifixion but also the moments that led up to it. Let's go back a little bit and recall with me the events that took place as Jesus prayed at the Mount of Olives. Luke 22:39 tells us that Christ went to his usual place to pray. In verse 40 he told the disciples to pray that they not fall into temptation. He left the disciples and prayed. When he returned he found the disciples asleep. But why were they asleep? I'll get back to that in a moment. 

"Someone needs a nap." Each of us that has spent any time at all with children has probably uttered these words. We say it when a child gets cranky, unruly, or sometimes downright mean. And, usually, once the child quits fighting it and falls asleep they wake up in a better mood. Usually. 

I believe that when we get tired we all tend to pull the emotions from deep inside and place them on our sleeves. We say things without thinking or regard to who it might hurt. We figure, if I'm hurt then I might as well take some others down with me. We also find ourselves hurt much more easily when we are tired. We no longer have the strength to fight away the temptation to lash out at someone's insensitivity. 

This holds true for me on times when I have been fighting a cold or some other such malady. I get tired and cranky and then the emotions bubble out of me. The little things that piled up just come crashing down on me in a big heap. I have learned that it is best if I find myself alone when I am exhausted. But what I once never understood was why I got so tired so easily. That was until I read the scripture. And I encourage you to read from Luke 22:39- 46. When you read that tell me why He found the disciples asleep. Was it because they knew Christ was long winded when praying? Was it because they had put in such a long day getting ready for the Last Supper? No. The scripture tells us why they were asleep. And, regardless of the times I read it over the years, it never struck home until this last grief event. 

This week I found myself coming home one evening after having dinner with some of my in-laws after work. I did enjoy my time with them but this cold I am fighting and grief have just worn me out. For this reason I found myself in an emotional edge. So, while preparing for an upcoming Financial Peace University I watched a couple of the FPU videos and suddenly found myself a sobbing mess. I watched the joy of individuals and families as they screamed that they were debt free. I wanted to scream along with them but I couldn't. Why? Not because I'm not debt free, because I am. I couldn't scream because I didn't get there on my own. As a matter of fact I probably wouldn't be there at all if it were not for my wife. And therein lies the rub. Reaching a goal as monumental as debt freedom doesn't carry the joy it would have if I could have screamed it with the woman who got us there. 

Grief is tough to shoulder alone. But sometimes joy can be just as tough. Being alone, no matter what the reason, eliminates the opportunity to turn and yell as Tom Hanks did in Castaway, "I have made fire!" Being tired can make you feel like giving up. It would be so much easier to give in to your emotions. To give in to sin. Which is why Christ told the disciples to stay and pray that they would not fall into temptation. 

Fall into temptation. Isn't that an interesting twist of words? Why didn't he say "give in to temptation?" I believe it means that some temptation sneaks up on us. I imagine a pit hidden along the jungle trail. We don't see it and we fall into it because we let our guard down. How did we not see that temptation? Perhaps it is because we were tired. How do we keep from falling into temptation? By following the instruction of Christ. Pray. 

Is this what I do every time? How do I personally keep from falling into temptations? I don't. I fall. Not every time. But occasionally I still fall. Sometimes I fall heavily. But I serve a God that forgives and forgets. I sure wish I could do that as easily as He does. 

Perhaps I need a nap.