You put your heart in, and you shake it all about

Earlier this month I recognized (there is no celebration this side of heaven) my daughter's birthday. Unlike other times, I did it without my wife at my side. And the week leading up to it was extremely emotional. But the days that followed have been surprisingly easier. I have filled those days with people and events that have been wonderful distractions. And there is no doubt that has made it easier. As I have been making progress at replacing the grief in my life with new relationships and functions I find myself in a moment of peace. But those moments can be fleeting. Today, with no real thought in my head but recapping the day's events and preparing for the busy day and week ahead I was suddenly overcome by another tsunami of grief. And, like an underwater earthquake, the source was unseen but the effects were devastating nonetheless. 

I know what it is that I want to replace the grief. I want what the grief replaced. I want that same person at my side that has helped me grieve the loss of our daughter through her last seven birthdays. But I also know that I will not get this wish. Rather than focus on the difficult days to come in the coming 6 weeks I flashed back to the lyrics to an unsung song I wrote around the ten week mark. I went back and retread it and realized that I cannot say how I feel now any better than I did then so I will share it with my blog readers rather than just my Facebook followers. I hope you recognize the grief that comes out of nowhere. But I also want you to recognize the hope that comes in the future. 

Night Falls

The days are long but filled with friends

Friends who help to carry the load

But they can't help but ask me again

How I was able, able to let you go

And I smile and say it's all in God's hands

That I am able as I lean on His grace

That I know, I know He has a plan

And one day I'll finally see her face

But when night falls it falls so hard

And the silence the silence is so loud

And I cry out and wonder where you are

Cause there's nothing I want more than to see you now

Another day another smile on my face

Placed there for all the world to see

And if they ask me, I know what I'll say

My God has given, He's given me this peace

And I'll turn away these tears in my eyes

And do my best to show you I'm strong

You'll see I can, I can put up the fight

And tell you that it won't be too long

But when night falls it falls so hard

And the silence the silence is so loud

And I cry out and wonder where you are

Cause there's nothing I want more than to see you now

And in that moment I'm weak

And I fall to the ground

When all that I seek

Is the joy I'd found

And I lift up my eyes

And I lift up a cry

And lift up the question

And ask you why

Then you wipe all my tears 

And you help me to stand

And you calm all my fears

And you show me I can

When night falls and it falls so hard

And the silence the silence is so loud

And I cry out and you show me you are

There for me, you're there for me now. 

You're there for me now.