Stop, In the name of love

In the old West, they called it scouting for sign. Scout would travel down the trails and look for signs of game, enemies, or any other threats. They could track outlaws and missing people. Good trackers could see signs in the smallest of details. 

In Judges, chapter 6, Gideon asked God for a different form of sign. In the famous story, Gideon placed a fleece out and one day asked God to bring dew to the ground and not the fleece and another day asked God to bring dew to the fleece but not the Ground. And we, as Christians, have been doing it ever since. God should I take this job? God should I talk to this boy or girl? God should I do this or that? We use God as a magic eight ball. I've often wondered at what would've happened had God not chosen to show Gideon the signs that He did. Would he have continued? Would he have made wise decisions, poor decisions, or, worse yet, no decision at all? 

But this blog post is not about fleecing God. This blog post is about when we look for a sign from those who have left us here on earth to run on the greener pastures of heaven. 

Admit it, we all see our loved ones in the many things around us. Things that were common but not really noticed before. How often have you seen a butterfly and thought of your lost loved one? (Why is it always butterflies?) A beautiful sunset could only have been painted by my daughter. The birds in the trees could only have been taught their song by my wife. Everywhere I look I see signs. Everywhere you look you see signs. But sometimes we need more. 

I'm going to confess something to you. I'm no good on my own. I can't make it. My wife did more for me than I ever realized and it bothers me that I didn't acknowledge it enough. Let that be a warning to you as well. I try cooking, cleaning, washing clothes and dishes, making up the bed. But sometimes I need direction. Sometimes I need that voice to ring out that I can't put apple cores in the disposal or that the garage door is still down so don't forget to open it before I back out (hasn't happened yet but may on any given day). That voice, now, remains silent. And I miss it. 

As I move on into the next chapter of my life and close out this year of firsts I find myself again looking for a sign. I need a sign that says it's okay to move on; I need a sign that says it's okay to remodel the house; I need a sign that it's ok to give away clothes, furniture, jewelry and the like that neither my wife nor my daughter will ever use again. I need a sign. And I don't want it to be a sunset or a butterfly, or anything else that can be easily explained. I need a fleece. I need to know that I am not only doing the right thing but that I'm doing what honors my family and makes them proud of what Daddy/husband is doing. 

Please don't get me wrong. I know they both want me to be happy and I know they both like to see that I can be happy again. I know that they will approve of the person or things I choose to bring me happiness. I can picture them at the feet of Jesus imploring Him to let them see me smile like I once did. And, as I move on and prepare my heart to make it more appealing to another (as appealing as something broken, torn, and tattered can be) I simply ask that they show me a sign as undeniable as a damp fleece. But if they don't. If they choose not to or if God chooses not to allow them to send me a sign then I'll continue on this path anyway. I have found people, things, and activities that make me happy and I choose to believe that God sent them to me in spite of how unworthy I am. 

As much as I would like a sign from my family, I want a sign from God more. And until He tells me that the sign He has for me is a STOP sign, I'll keep moving along and I'll keep smiling the smile that my girls want to see.